[hey_hey]

It's weekend night here, but I'm feeling depressed. It was triggered by something between me and a friend of mine. I was going to explain the sitation, but suddenly mentally got tired of even mentioning it...

I can't believe this is what I can contribute to the forum after long time of laying low. I'm feeling guilty. But it also reminds me the greatness of this place and people here. Whenever we are feeling down, this is always a good and safe place to come. As the way I'm feeling now, I could really use some warm hugs from you guys. I'm sitting right now in this empty office room all by myself, and ourside there's the crazy world. The people are running to where they wanted to go, to be with their friends, family, loved ones... I'm just suddenly feel I'm so alone Can't remember when was the last time I've cried, but I'm certainly tearing at this very moment I hope it will brush away some of the bad feeling I have and make my heart pure again, like crystal.

I can't believe these depressing feelings come back to me again. I thought I've defeated them, even I didn't win completely, at least it shouldn't attack me in a so sudden way, I wasn't prepared. I thought I've managed pretty well, but I guess I am losing again staying in busy schedules has made my nerves less sensitive in detecting my emotional patterns, less conscious to find peace for my mind.

I can't believe why right now my feelings are so contradictory. I feel I don't want to care about anything, on the other hand there is really a world for me to care; I thought my firend needed me and I was there everytime, but on the other hand, my friend showed me something otherwise... maybe I am misunderstanding something, maybe my friend is just so confused. What should I do? Should I say:"It's ok, I am still your good friend." or should I say:"Why the hell you do this? I've had enough, please get out of my way." or "I think I need some time to figure out if our friendship is really on the right track because I don't think the way you behave is friend-like."...... ??? I don't know if there really is some sort of line(like bottom line) needs to be drawn between friends, or a point where one can say "ok, enough." Ain't being someone's real friend meaning being there for whatever, whenever?

I can't believe I had such good time yesterday, and I'm feeling like "the end" today. But I know things always turn to their opposite when they reaches peak. Maybe I was too damn happy yesterday and I lost my damn mind since then. Maybe I shouldn't have enjoyed the happiness that came so suddenly, I should have thought about how did it come, and why? Why now?

My forever girlfriend saved me. Before I write this, I called her. Since her mobile phone had bad signal, she looked for a public phone and literally standing in snow winds and low temps and talked to me. Oh, my good God, I thank You so much for keeping such a wonderful friend for me, for ever. I admit I have to look at it again on what friendship means when it's with the right person. Althought it was a short conversation but it worth uncountable. Guilty again for why I'm feeling sorry for myself when I do have something like this...

Ohhh.... I got better. BTW, I can't believe how great is the healing power of writing ...

It is so quiet now, only sound is from me tapping on keyboard. Maybe this is what I need-- a moment of seeking within my heart, examining the pains, crying it all out, finding strength and belief again, go on...... Huh, ironically, I wasn't able to complete the process in real world, but it's accomplished in this fabulous virtual community. Thinking about how true each of you are in flesh and bones; having all emotions, happy and sad; reaching out to those who need help like I am now; laughing and crying for joy and sadness... I just love you all, folks.

OK, let's see what good things I can contribute... oh, you guys should have seen this major snow here. It's been beautiful like a wonderland. I have never seen this city is as so spectaculaly pretty as this. Everything is in perfect white, and I'm loving it...

Well, don't want to make this too lengthy. But I hope it find everyone in good spirit. Stay warm for those who live in winter time now

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Toni}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I was just thinking of you this morning and here you are

Please know that we are always here for you and always will be. Never feel guilty for laying low. We all need that every now and again.

I am glad you are feeling a bit better after writing down your thoughts...that always helps doesn't it and you can write as much as you need to....I am listening.

You are in my thoughts and I hope that your day is going to be a good one.....take care.


Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown

[Fuzzybear]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Toni}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've been thinking of you too ... hoping today is warm and good for you,

Take care,
Fuzzy

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Toni}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm so glad to see you back and hopefully being better.

It always helps to write things out here, esp. knowing everyone is here.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. We haven't had any snow here yet, but the coldness has certainly crept in.



Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

Keeping you in my thoughts, (((((((Toni)))))))...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Toni}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

I was getting prepared to answer your many questions but as I read on to the end, I realized that you answered them yourself, and very well, I might add. You did the right thing when you needed a little support! Look at all the hugs you've gotten!

Glad you came back to us. We were missing you!! Don't stay away so long next time, ok?

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Toni}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for writing. I'm glad it made you feel better. There's a hug for you too - you deserve hugs. I'm glad that you have a true friend too. Weekends and holidays are just the worst when you are alone if you don't have something to do. Come hang out with us, and remember that you are not really alone because we are with you in spirit and always just a keyboard away. The world is so much smaller than it seems sometimes.

Warm Wishes,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[nowheretorun]

((((((((((((((( Toni ))))))))))))))))

Yeah, writing is a great way to sort feelings, isn't it?

Maybe we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to always be happy. I don't think it's very realistic though, is it?

As much as sadness sucks, certain kinds of sadness are just our heart telling us something is missing or not right. It would be like the fuzz you get on your radio when the station isn't tuned in properly. If only it were that easy to fine tune life, huh?

I think this great world surrounding us has many examples of too much and not enough. Seems there is always something in need of more or less.

I think if we listen to the "radio" we can hear what messages are being sent and in our own life turn the dials for a better reception. What you've said about sitting down with your thoughts and seperating the fuzz from the music is the way it is done. Congratulations on responding positively to your needs

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

[hey_hey]

Thank you all for the hugs, that's what I needed...

I noticed all of you are either Grand members or Veteran Huh, just when will I have an adjective before the M, sigh...

All right, I'm ready to explain what bothered me that concerns the friend of mine last night. Although I'm feeling much better today, but still, I don't know what is right to do, I need to find my position and then set this matter aside.

The friendship we have is the kind of between generations. He is about 20yrs older than me. He has been assigned to work in a very depressing country where he sees a lot of social and political pressure, it's hard to live in such country for a westerner like him. Everytime he gets to spend some days in Beijing, he'd feel like paying a visit to heaven. He calls going back there is back to prison. Anyway, we've known each other more than 2 yrs, and he seemed pretty normal in the beginning, the time he just got to that country. In the last 10 month, he's been acting strangely, he didn't reply my emails, once in a blue moon, he'd drop some lines suggesting he'd been fighting with flu, or the damn situation he's in, then disappeared again. I somehow understood why he's been like that, complained nothing, but I kept on writing him cause I figure if I were in such situation, I'd need all my friends' spirits still be around. I wrote him when I felt it's time to do so, regardless if there is reply or not. But my heart has never been calmed, especially when the situation got worsen politically in that country over the last 3 month, I'd worried westerners could be kidnapped there. So, I wrote to express my concerns and expected to get something back even just serveral words like "I'm ok."... But nothing...

The day before yesterday, I recieved his call. Was a big surprise and a great relief. Met up and had dinner. He explained that he wasn't able to write back because he had been really down staying that place. And there were also many other factors. He wasn't able to write to none of his friends, and he felt bad about it... I detected he was truthful about what he said, and seriously, he is my friend, I should be supportive. He said he had to go back to "prison" this morning, and he only had one more day in Beijing and that just made him sort of feeling depressed. I asked him why he didn't consider changing job, he gave no direct answer, but sounded to me a lot of concerns were disturbing him from making a clear decision.

At last, he asked if I had time the next day after work, and he'd like to call and meet again. I said ok. Then was yesterday, I heard nothing from him. When I was off work, I called him, nobody answered. Can you believe that? There he goes again... I know it's no big deal, but it is a big deal considering how much I've tried to just be his friend. I think if he wasn't able to make it to have another meet, then at least drop a call and let me know. It's like when you make an appointment with someone, when you can't do it, you'd definitely need to call and cancel it, right? Do you mean I don't deserve to be respected because it's a small thing and it's between two good friends? Scraw that! Even there's no decent excuse, what's wrong to just say:" Toni, I'm sorry I'm feeling depressed again, I think I'd rather be by myself."... Is it hard to do to be just true to me, to himself??

I know he isn't the kind of discourteous people, he is as a matter of fact very polite and decent British gentleman. So, let's just assume he is depressive as hell because of the idea of going back. Why? Why he can't talk it out? He made the decision to stay in that positon, didn't he? Can a person neglect what his friends feel becasue of his own problems? Isn't he worried about losing all friends someday because of his own behaviors? Should I be taken for granted that I'd be there for him for whatever? I know what depression is, but maybe he's going through something more serious? Like autism?

I couldn't and can't be mad at him because when I see the sad expression on his face, I just think maybe there's something I can't understand but he needs to be understood. I don't know what it is. He told me he is currently having a relationship with someone who is emotionally depending on him, that made him so worried and scared. He describe this woman would have mega problems if he wasn't there. But he can't support her any longer sicne he really has enough of his own stuff to deal with. I guess it's really hard to reach out for others when you don't get your own stuff together... I don't look at his life as a mess, because it's not although it appears to be. For someone who is in 50s and not happy, I think there is a decision to make. Oh, maybe... I don't know, I don't think I'm in a position to have an opinion about it since I'm relatively too "young".

He is probably already in the "prison" by now. I don't know what I should do. Still be his friend when he needs? Let it go?... Just what the hell does his freaking silence mean? (pardon me). I thought I have a big heart, but I'm not feeling very ok about what happened.

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[hey_hey]

Hi Heather,

Thanks for your thoughts. Having you there is a wonderful feeling

It's a fine Saturday morning, abundant sunshine, really cold though. Snow is melting, but still white on top or trees and houses. I hope your night is warm, are you staying comfortablly inside, by your fireplace, maybe?

Enjoy!

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[hey_hey]

Hi Fuzzy,

How have you been? Read one of your post, and I was irritated by your friend's statement on you. That's a BS and please pay no attention. Guess most of those who wrote you back were right, this friend is really not a real friend if such word should be said, or even be thought.

Seems we are having some same problems here. What is it about friendship??

Have a nice weekend night, fuzzy. To me, you are a genuinely caring person. You are important and of great value, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise!

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[hey_hey]

Hi Mary A,

Thanks for your hugs, I wanna hug you back. I assume you are doing well, look at your smiling face. You're influencing me to be smiling as shining as you

Are you having enjoyable weekend night? Stay warm

(((((((((((Mary A)))))))))))))))))

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[hey_hey]

Hi Peanut,

Whenever I see that big heart of yours, I'm cheered up

((((((((((((((Peanut)))))))))))))))

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[hey_hey]

Hi Sept Morn,

Did I? Well, I think I'm still puzzled and disturbed Maybe I'm just damn too serious. But your hugs were really something special, thank you

How have you been?

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[hey_hey]

Hi Wendy,

For sure I love to hang out here with ya'll... your warm welcome makes me feel great, thank you Wonderful community here and people are splendidly great...

I hope you are having great time now, how are you and your family?

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[hey_hey]

Hi nowhere,

You metaphor of radio is good. I was certainly benefited by having some quiet meditation time. But why sometimes when I thought I'd found solution or conclusion, there'd be some new feelings come out and totally put those I believed once into denial?

Thanks for the hugs. Even to this day, I can't forget you are the first person responded me when I first came to the forum. To me, that'd been something special...

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[nowheretorun]

Toni

Well, to answer the first part of your question, let's stay with the radio metaphor....

So here we are, we sat with our thoughts and some clarity has come to us. Then we might feel directed and centered on some new plan of action to solve the previous dilemma. Maybe we've only put our thoughts into a perspective that has more understanding and de-toxified the gunk.

We return back into the situation and the dynamics that created our previous funk are still existant. The other party has made no adjustments on thier own or our behalf and is not suspecting that anything has changed. His/her normal method of "fuzzing" begins.

At this point if you don't follow thru on the conclusions you'd previously decided to end this cycle, you can find yourself it's participant again.

It's important to remember that you are the fence tender. You have the final say on what enters your center. You choose the music on your radio.

What could happen is that we aren't persistent in our new committment to ourselves. Sometime we are caught off guard and find we've re-entered an old pattern. If the situation comes quietly as in the case of your friend, it would be hard to detect it's approaching, and soon we could be surrounded by it. Again, I think the answer is that you control the music you dance to.

Sometimes I believe we could have compassion for someone and want to be humane and give this person a dignity and respect that could boost most people up from their place, but for some, this person might have needs beyond what best intentions can repair. We might feel we keep giving more and more and yet no progress seems accomplished.

I think this is a point we should evaluate the cost of our effort. All we give sometimes feels like a black hole is taking more and more. Sometimes when we give gifts of spirit it might be just the words or act another needs and as such, the cost is very minimal, the gift is equally exchanged. In other cases, the person's need is so great we can literally give every ounce of spirit we have and still the need is unsatisfied.

I think different people have different tolerance levels. I think it is best to know what tolerance you possess and be true to your own spirit. No one can help others who cannot help themself.

Sorry for the long-winded reply, hope this helps.....

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

[hey_hey]

Hi nowhere,

Maybe the best thing is to do nothing. As for the matter with this person, I think I've done my part as a friend to a degree that I thought I could and should have done. I will be quiet and maybe silent at my side and see what may happen as time goes. And decide then what I want to do, maybe it's easier to figure out. I don't consider dealing with friends as a ball game or something, but the ball's indeed in his hands.

Look beyond at a larger scale to the replacement of new dynamics of old ones, I think what you've said made sense. Just sometimes I want to be a kind of "tough" people. Like when I've set my attitude on a matter, I won't change it anymore no matter what new circumstances may occur, because the reasoning for my previous conclusion was based on clear recognition of the essential of the troubles that bothered me. If the same thing is repeating, that should at least suggests nothing fundamental has changed. But, this type of "toughness", I don't always have

Compassion. That must be a hard feeling for someone who learns the treatments he or she recieves are out of people's compassion. I feel compassion sometimes suggests unfairness, the person who in lower position may feel things are not fair because the ones who are nice to them had no such problems or whatsoever. I can be compassinate to refugees, starved people, homeless ones, but I don't know if I should hold something similar when a friend who is in down time. As for this friend, I don't feel I was pitying him, though I have to admit I was disturbed seeing sadness on his face and in his eyes. I hate to do something wrong out of a result of misunderstanding or mis-interpreted the reasons for such sadnesses. But there shouldn't be shameness in talking with what's troubling us to friends, should it? Maybe some people just are withdrawn like that. Guess nothing I can do to help with this matter.

I guess I was reaching the bottom line of my tolerance level because of the high intensity of my feeling last night. But I'm much relaxed today. So, am I gonna have more capacity of tolerance? I don't know. All I want now is to relax a bit more.

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

[bunny44]

my fine person---you don't give your heart away, never refuse a good offer, and avoid the pit of self-remorse. punp yourself up with ego-mania if need be. be narcissistic, most of us are, and Love youself. it is rather a sad fate, as you can't 'be in love' with anyone but you. and it has problems---you may certainly love others---always risk in that---but usually worth it. seems to me, the impact is hitting you very hard. that's a problem. i can only guess its basis, but i think you can whup this. like tuning new gutar strings....

pirate

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{Toni}}}}}}}}}

I can understand your feelings of frustration. I think you are a wonderful friend and will always have your heart open to him when he needs it. That is a great quality to have and hang onto that.

I am in agreement with Darrel (Hi Darrel ) and love the radio analogy....fine tuning your needs as much as his.

What are your plans for the weekend? Try to find one relaxing thing to do...curling up on the couch watching a nice movie.....going for a walk in the cold.....try to remember to do something nice for you too ok? You deserve it hun.


Heather

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
~~author unknown