[SeptemberMorn]

My heart goes out to both {{{{{{{{{{{Charlote and Duchess.}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Don't give up. There's always a silver lining at the end of the storm.

NINE TYPES OF THINKING MISTAKES

1. All or Nothing - or black or white: Seeing things as though there were only two possible choices.

2. Over generalizing: A negative event is seen as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. Mental Filter: Seeing only the negative aspects of a situation while screening out the positive aspects. (Call me on this if I'm wrong, Everyone, but I want to add "What if..." thinking here. What if my dad finds out. What if she laughs in my face... etc.)

4. Jumping to Conclusions: Predicting things will go a certain way before you have the facts.

*A. Mind Reading: Assuming that you know exactly what someone is thinking about you.

*B. Fortune-telling: Predicting that things will turn out badly and that you won't be able to cope.

5. Magnifying or Minimizing: Overvaluing or minimizing the importance of a situation or certain information.

6. Emotional Reasoning: Assuming that how you feel is an accurate reflection of how things really are. (Feelings are just feelings, the are NOT facts.)

7. Shoulds: You tell yourself that things "should" or "shouldn't" be a certain way. (Even how we feel physically.) We do this with ourselves, other people and situations. Variations of this can include "musts," "have to's" and other imperatives which sound like they come from some external authority figure. (Critical parent)

8. Labeling: This is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking which can be damaging to our self-esteem and our relationships. Instead of simply acknowledging a mistake, we say "I'm such a screw-up, loser, jerk, idiot, etc." Applying labels to others will tend to blind us to other qualities which could benefit us in the relationship.

9. Personalizing: (Blaming) This thinking creates enormous preventable suffering. This occurs when we hold ourselves responsible for something which isn't or wasn't entirely under our control. As children, we take much of what happens around us personally, including how we are treated. When a child is mistreated by a parent, she/he will tend to assume that she/he is somehow to blame and may see her/himself as defective. We can reverse this process and blame someone else for a situation we have a part in creating. We do this as adults often without realizing it. We have a choice about becoming aware of this destructive thinking mistake and WE CAN CHANGE IT!

Thanks to "Ellie" for the following instructions:

What we need to do after the negative thoughts are all written down is to decide which one is most upsetting. The idea of whether it's a core belief or self-esteem issue is actually not important. Just the most upsetting negative thought about a specific negative situation. Identify the most upsetting thought, gather evidence for and against it. Next, write a balanced thought that considers evidence for and against and either illuminates why we think that way in connection with the situation and how rational or irrational the thought is. Also, before the whole process is begun, the emotions associated with the specific situation are listed and rated on a scale between 0 and 100. After the balanced thought has been written, we would look back at the emotions and ask if they are less intense and more bearable. This is the method in the book Mind Over Mood.

Dr. Burns’ method in Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy and The Feeling Good handbook just has you answer every negative thought with a rational response after you've figured out the cognitive distortions. In the Mind Over Mood method the cognitive distortions may be identified. They seem to be helpful in creating balanced thoughts and gathering evidence and writing rational responses.

Anyway, the Mind Over Mood Method is more difficult to do, but more efficient. The Dr. Burns’ method is much easier and I find it does provide a mood lift and is good if I want to take the time to counter every negative thought and just get it all out of my system.

Example: find time to write down all the negative thoughts you had in a given situation.. Write yourself a more rational thought. When you first start, find a neutral thought to replace the negative thought.

Negative thought: I can't speak. I'm going to say something stupid.

Errors you are making in the thought: You are trying to tell the future and predicting it negatively. You are telling yourself it is impossible for you to say anything acceptable.

Rational Response: How do I know I'm going to say something stupid? What will happen if I do say something stupid? Do I really have so little self-control I'm going to intentionally say dumb things? I don't have to say anything if I don't want to. If I decide to face my fear of saying something stupid, if I do say something I think is stupid, I'll forgive myself. I'm human. I can make mistakes. I know plenty of people who say stupid things.

Make two columns on your paper. Entitle one column: These are the times I've said smart things..... Entitle the second column: These are the low number of times I've really said stupid things......

Give yourself evidence for and against the truthfulness of the thought and ask yourself what you would like to believe.

Positive affirmations are great. They set you up for good behavior. I also think that if you are having lots of negative thoughts, you need to neutralize them first. Use the positive thoughts to build self-esteem. Use neutralizing your thoughts to keep from thinking and believing the negative ones so that the positive ones get in easier.

Recommended books are: The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns, Mind Over Mood, and The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook. Recording all your thoughts is the first step. Review the cognitive distortions above.

[Duchess]

XoXo~xoxo~XOXO~xoxo~
SeptemberMorn~
you are my sushine,4.A&B are something I definitely specialize in.
Exp: driving my boyfriend crazy!!!
9. YES, always taking everything to heart..
Positive affirmations are just what I need.
Thanks too you Sept.Dr. Burns Book~Mind over Mood method~ will be the only Book I want for X~mas. I luv books !!!
Hopefully my cognitve distortions can be figured out...
I will definitely try this out. Thank you lot's
How's the weather down in C.A.

[happysoul]

I just read your nine helpful hints and the book recommendation...I want to thank you for posting that...I need those reminders in my life and I will pass this along in my local anxiety support group.

I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water and I'm scared as hell, but I know theres something better..yes I know there's something better -- Paula Cole

[charlotte16]

Thank you so much for the ideas! Everyone has been soo nice to me here and I appreciate it more than you can know. Without people to talk to at home or in friends, this chat has really become a great place to go to share my feelings without fear.