I turn into a disorganized slob when I am depressed. Anyone else have that problem.

oh my gosh, Rose! I'M SO SORRY THE DOCTOR SAID THAT! that's just plain insensitive and hello, does he not realize his patients are in very sensitive states?!

as far as all the med switches, does your doc even give enough time to see if the drugs are actually working? sometimes it takes months for that stuff to truly kick in and if you're constantly having them switched on you, you may not be getting a good judgement.

I'm sorry you're going through this. hang in there!

Suki22 - Thank you.

Thank you for your post about getting things done in "small increments." I feel encouraged just to read that another person knows how this state of mind can be. The putting of one foot in front of the other seems a monumental task to me right now. I have to break it down, somehow, in order to not be unbearably overwhelmed. It so helps to have someone besides me articulate the feeling. I will be adding your "commercial" technique to my little bag of tricks. Yes, I have to "trick" myself into not thinking about all that I could think about, because then I will not even try. Just what the doctor accused me of. He has no conception of the amount of "trying" that went into putting my shoes on today to get ready to keep my appointment with him. Like others who have been kind enough to post replies here, I do believe that you, Suki22, don't need me to draw you a picture. You know how it can get. You've been here and done this. There is no explaining this to someone who hasn't gone through it. And there double-sure is no way of explaining to the uninitiated what it is like to have this as a recurring feature of one's life. I am very grateful to feel heard and understood. Why that should feel so gratifying I can't explain either, but it helps a lot.

Thank you for your second post, which is a much needed kindness, coming to me as I am licking my wounds, into which the pdoc managed to pour some salt. I don't think he's a bad guy. I do think that the facility he's in is majorly dysfunctional and that the standard of care there is abysmally low.

I was rude to him. It seems that I am expected to be a shining model of tolerance in the face of highly disorganized treatment. He is the 3rd pdoc assigned to me over the past 18 months. I guess the outgoing pdocs don't talk to the incoming pdocs. So I start from square one with each new pdoc. I used to be a nurse. When I would turn over the care of a patient to an on-coming nurse, it would be expected that I would inform her of anything important that I had learned that might be of use to her in planning the care that she would give. I don't understand the seeming absence of accountability that I am finding is the norm in the way this place conducts its care of clients. During my career, I could have been (and more or less was) crucified for less. They live such privileged existences - these apprentice physicians - unencumbered by much responsibility to be answerable for much of anything. This seems to be peculiarly an issue with docs doing residencies in psychiatry. (Maybe things are better elsewhere, but this is where I am.) I am exhausted with explaining the same things over and over . . . and hearing the same shallow banalities repeatedly . . . about what would be good for a person with depression.

If I could be the person that they want me to be, then I don't think I would need to be going to a psychiatric care center.

The understanding offered by peers is a blessing that never ceases to amaze me. I only hope that, once in a while, I make some similar kind of sense to another in need of empathy and compassion.

It's really been way too long since I last brushed my teeth. The bathroom sink is dirty. I want to clean up around here a bit and attend to my self care needs.

I ran out of some meds. Leaving the pdoc's office, I came straight home instead of going to the pharmacy, like I should have. It was just too hard. In my better days, I managed to do things that were hard. Can't rest on past laurels, though.

Now, let's see . . . set the timer for 5 minutes and spend that time cleaning the sink. Hmm . . . what can I use as a reward?

I still am not doing anything that I need to do for myself. Just am stuck. Afraid to go to sleep.

I'm sorry that you are struggling Rose

Is there any way you can get therapy?? Even just someone to vent to IRL is better than no therapy at all. I have a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) so not a 'traditional' therapist but he's really good. He 'gets' where I'm coming from while my pdoc doesn't have a clue (and isn't interested in finding out)!

Unfortunately it's my experience that there is a very big dividing line between those who WANT to practise psychiatry and those who HAVE to do it (because they can't get another specialty and psych is less competitive). Unfortunately I even know people who have gone into psych because they can't 'hack' another specialty. It's very sad. This is why we end up with pdocs with crap communication skills who don't give a damn, when we truly need it the most.

All the best Rose

*Willow*

Thanks Willow,

This morning I woke up much improved. I have started to look into a possible "peer support" service. Peers often get it the best. No CPN in my community.

Part of the problem where I go for services is I just get to know a pdoc and that one moves on and a new one starts. (They are doing their residencies in psychiatry.) Plus they are under pressure to see a lot of clients in a short space of time. Plus the appointments can be so widely spaced apart (months.)

I read once the being a pdoc is one of the lowest paid specialties in medicine. It does seem to have a rep of being where a medical student goes to avoid being highly- challenged.

Also, where I go is so frustrating that my pdoc may end up the object of my frustration at the whole system. I need to be more assertive, but with more of a focus on just what I want to make as a goal. And it can't be just med change after med change after med change. I was told point blank that med adjustment is really all they are there for. I guess what I want is for there to be more interest in my input.

Saying I've been having a hard time shouldn't automatically mean - "Well let's change the meds." Or - "Well the meds aren't working, so you must need ECT treatment." Sometimes, it would be nice to hear a heartfelt, "I'm sorry it's been this rough for you, lately. Would you like to try a different medication? How do you feel about that?"

I feel like I am really a client of the multi-national pharmaceutical companies, whose stance is "We got something to sell you." It's like dealing with insurance companies, "What you need is more coverage . . . a bigger policy will protect you even better." One can over-invest in anything.

I need to go with paper and pen in hand . . . have some thoughts written out that remind me what I need to discuss . . . AND . . . when the pdoc says - like - "maybe you ought to not come back" . . . I could say "Okay, let me write down what you are asking me to consider, so I can be clear what you are advising me to think about." Kind of like the way, in parliamentary procedure, things start off with the reading of the minutes of the last meeting. So we can say, "Okay, where did we leave off, and where do we need to pick up the conversation." Otherwise it all seem so random, and directionless. And they DO FORGET what they have said. And I forget.

Im a disorganized slob when im not depressed, when i am, it gets worse. I just take out trash and rinse dishes of mold

I'm glad you're having a better day today Peer support sounds good. I hope it will be useful for you. It's a shame you can't access proper therapy though as I think that would be even more helpful.

I'm trying to get my pdoc appts to be more productive by getting on the same wavelength. Last appt I went in with a letter detailing how I feel and with a list of stuff I wanted to discuss. It didn't go exactly according to plan, but I'm going to do the same thing again and again until she gets it (or I go away to Uni, whichever is sooner!) I think writing things down is good as it's easy to get flustered when you get in there.

All the best Rose

*Willow*

Sorry you are struggling right now. I can see how that would be difficult constantly getting new Pdocs.

I think your idea of finding peer support is wonderful - especially if you can't find a therapist. Talking has been so helpful for me.

And I agree that your idea of writing stuff down is good. I do that with my t - sometimes just a few notes on a little sheet of paper, sometimes a fully written out piece I can just read. It helps assure me I will say what I feel I need to say even if I get caught up in the emotions.

For those struggling with keeping up with the home while down, try The FlyLady. You can google her website.

There is also a FlyLady wannabeez Social Group here, on PC. I'm new to it an it's very upbeat and positive.

I wish you the best with it, as I know what a struggle it can be to keep up and wish we could get ahead. This site is very understanding of that~

Pleasd know that the "Thanks" and "Hugs" I've posted above, for the replies, are most heartfelt, and I feel supported by your input, each of you.

I got to the "Flylady" website, and it looks like it addresses the problems I'm having. I don't know enough about using the Web to get past that initial webpage to other things, like a radio show. Something about I have to go through Facebook. I don't understand that, but I will try and learn. I managed to join the "FlyLady wannabeez Social Group," and I look forward to the support that I trust the group will be a source of.

I really thought i was very very alone in this messiness. i did not mind cleaning in the past but now.....i am cleaning up after my mother 24/7. she drops things constantly and puts stuff in bags and forgets and then there is bodily functions that i have to help clean up often. Laundry never ends, cooking never ends, .... i could clean better if my mother were not underfoot. But she will not go anyplace without me....Ugh! Then she feels badly watching me clean and wants to help. Of course she is unable to help...her help always is more work for me. Thus The chaos makes me ill and oh well.
i have to go be a servant...and see about lunch.

Bmee2 - You truly are not alone. Besides taking care of my S.O., I've worked for a number of home care agencies. I've been in so many different households where there was a family member, like yourself, taking on all the responsibilities that you describe. The word I use to describe it is RELENTLESS. When I took care of people, as a job, I could leave at a certain time, and, when I left the home, I could truly leave the cares behind me.

For a family member, there is no punching out at the time clock. You possibly even take all these cares with you when you get into bed to sleep. The person you are caring for - in your case, your mother - may feel bad watching all you do, but I don't think the dependent person really grasps the toll this takes on the caregiver. I shouldn't imagine that I know your situation, but I've seen so many of these situations, and they tend to have certain things in common.

One of those things is a lack of understanding of how the caregiver is impacted. I, myself, feel like I am not really acknowledged for what I have taken on. There are the occasional "Thank You's." Those sound kind of shallow to me. It would mean the world to me to be told by my gentleman friend (and/or by someone in his family) something along the lines of: "I realize how tough my life would be, if I didn't have you. Also, I realize how tough it is for you to keep up with giving me all the help I need. I realize it can't be easy for you, and I think I am lucky to be cared about by someone like you."

When a person gets used to depending on another person, I think there is an element of "taking things for granted" by the person needing the care. Also, other family members, who don't have to do much, take the caregiver for granted.

I hope you look into anything you might be eligible for, in terms of help. Like, maybe, respite care for your Mom to give you a break. Also, you might be eligible for some monetary compensation from Medicaid. Maybe none of this applies to you. Getting other family member to help can be like pulling a tooth. Others could help us, at least psychologically, by acknowledging what we do, but I find that never seems to happen in so many families. It can hurt quite a lot.

The state of chaos continues in my home. I think I will take my medicines and go to sleep. Perhaps, tomorrow, it will look very different to me. I may wake up feeling like it is not so impossible a task to restore order here. Sometimes I feel so confident that I can do just about anything I set my mind to doing.

But that is not my mind-set now, and I have been sore and tired today, and doing anything has seemed to require more energy than I can possibly summon up.

I know that it is very immature to wait to do things until one feels like it. That is the very thing that every depressive most needs to learn. Too long of not getting a return on one's investments can be very forceful an influence in causing one to lose heart. I am more than just lazy. I have lost heart. It will return. It always has.

Maybe, tomorrow, I will fill the bird feeders outside my windows. I love to hear them and see them.

I'm a disorganized slob all the time, unfortunately. :/

But yes, I do go from feeling hopeless to relatively happy pretty often, which is why I sometimes wonder if I'm bipolar. Or maybe I'm just emotionally overreactive.

distantfuego,

Thanks for your post. I am very interested in the question/observation you made - about yourself. It's just what I wonder about myself. I know that I am "emotionally overreactive." That's an observable fact that anyone who knows me would probably readily testify to. A pdoc is now trying to tell me that he thinks I am on the Bipolar spectrum. Like you, "I do go from feeling hopeless to relatively happy pretty often . . . " (Well, I used to. I am stuck on hopeless most of the time, now.) So my pdoc sees this as cyclical and therefore suggestive of bipolar.

Here's my big reservation about this whole bipolar thing. I am not in the least bit convinced that there even is such a thing as Bipolar Disorder. In fact, nobody can prove there is. It is a theory.

We know there are people who are "emotionally overreactive," and we know there are people who have mood swings, and we know there are people who have a cyclical character to their mental lives. These are all observable facts. However, do we really know that all people who have these traits have the same disorder?

I've got a very strong hunch that under the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder are a lot of people, who are lumped together, who may very possibly have different types of disorders. Maybe this so-called Bipolar Disorder is actually a syndrome, rather than a disease. A syndrome is simply an observable manifestation. This same syndrome can possibly be given rise to by a variety of very different fundamental disturbances. All I'm saying is that I don't think we really know, yet. I don't think the doctors know.

I prefer to think of myself as "emotionally overreactive." I'm fine with saying that I have a very obvious problem with severe mood dysregulation. It is so severe that it easily, in my opinion, meets criteria for mental illness. But I'm not sure that, when we say "Bipolar Disorder," we are saying anything meaningful, at all. A word like "polar" has a scientific ring to it. When we stick the Latin prefix "bi-" in front of it, the "scientific ring" gets even louder to some people's ears. None of this impresses me.

In no way, am I suggesting that persons diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder don't have something very serious gone wrong with their psyches. Psychiatrists consider the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder as pretty heavy duty, and they don't hand that diagnosis out willy-nilly. What I am saying is that, in handing out this diagnosis, they may be mixing apples and oranges and, even, fruits and vegetables . . . all of them seriously disordered, but, perhaps, not all in the same way when you get down to the root dynamics of what has gone wrong.

Maybe I am just excessively skeptical. For better or worse, though, I am highly skeptical of this whole paradigm.

I was about to say that I may be the only person in the world who thinks this, when I decided to google just that question. Well, I'll be a monkey's aunt! Within two seconds I was reading a piece by a psychiatrist who thinks exactly what I just said above. Here is the link:http://pasadenatherapist.wordpress.c...isorder-exist/

That has gotten off the original thrust of this thread, but it's relevant. I am becoming more and more of a mess, with my chaotic sloppiness being a very outstanding symptom. Meanwhile, I'm getting told that the pdocs can account for my problems by giving me a diagnosis of a disease that I can't for the life of me even believe in.

Thanks, again, for the reply - very thought provoking.

I wish to express my sensitivity to anyone who might feel dis-affirmed by the idea that I have just expressed and/or by the material that the link above leads to. I am especially referring to persons diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder who feel that being given that diagnosis lead to helpful medical interventions in their lives. If the Theory of Bipolar Disorder has led to you being helped, I am very glad.

Interesting theory. It's true that bipolar is a really variable condition - take the person who has only a depressive episode every few years or so, and contrast him with the person who cycles twice every hour, for example. Treating it as a syndrome might make more sense.

Incidentally, have you looked into the concept of the mood disorder spectrum?

At any rate the diagnosis may still help. I enjoy being a highly emotional person - it's part of who I am, but I don't really enjoy feeling extremely sad and hopeless, and feeling like I want to die, every time something goes wrong (or sometimes for no reason at all). It will at least help identify that you have a mood problem and maybe it will help you get treatment.

Ugh, speaking of messes...My trash can is overflowing and I still haven't emptied it...there is laundry everywhere, yuck. Doesn't help that I'm a mild hoarder as well, so there is useless junk all over the place.

Distantfuego are you living in my house? Lol. Ok , you people inspired me, im cleaning this weekend. It's nice to know that i'm not all alone. I have a simple workbook call getting organized on how to throw out/ clean out/ organanize stuff in each room and make it pleasant. I'm going to start.

distantfuego - thank you for understanding the syndrome concept of mood dysregulation. Your household circumstances are so much like my own. I wonder what may be the relationship of this strange relationship to "stuff" that we seems to have. Not all "bipolars" have these housekeeping challenges (or maybe they do, I really don't know.) But it certainly seems commonplace. The theme seems to be CHAOS. Our physical environments reflect the chaos that seems to characterize our dysregulated mental states. Then when my mind is relieved of turmoil, I go about tidying up, as I am doing now. If I could just stay in this state of order for longer intervals of time.

likewater - You surely are not alone. It seems we have to make a conscious "study" out of being organized, while other (normal) people can keep themselves and their affairs and their "stuff" regulated, and it seems to come so natural to them. From the syndrome perspective, is it just a case of good habits verses the lack of good habits. I doubt it is that simple.

Good Luck to both of you in managing the disarray. I'm on a laundry-kick now. It feels so good.