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Default Nov 03, 2012 at 12:40 PM
  #1
My ex, who I thought was a friend, just told me I'm self centered. It really hurts. Idk if its true but I would hate for it to be true. I volunteer, I work with students for a living, I go out of my way to help my family. Although I don't have many friends- so I might have clung on to this ex bf a little too much bc I have no one else as a friend. He thinks I'm selfish. That's like the meanest thing anyone could say to me. Am I being selfish coming on here and posting this then? Taking up people's valuable time? God I hate myself.

I told him he's a jerk and deleted his number from my phone. I want to hurt his feelings like he did to me.
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Default Nov 03, 2012 at 01:44 PM
  #2
How could anyone be selfish who volunteers, works with kids, gives their life to their family, etc? If that's selfish, then I'm J. Paul Getty. For some reason, your ex was just trying to get your goat. Maybe because you dated someone else -- who knows. But obviously he was trying to hurt you and he knew that would do it.

Don't take it to heart, cause if you do then HE WINS!! Don't let him WIN. Just forget it, and let it go. If you let him know that you're upset, then he knows that he's won. And that's just what he wanted to do. I wish you hadn't deleted his number, cause now he knows he got your goat big time. But it's over -- just forget it, ok? From now on, don't take his jabs personally. He's just being a big idiot.

You're NOT SELFISH -- not by a long shot. God bless you sweetie, and take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

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Default Nov 03, 2012 at 01:54 PM
  #3
During your conversation, did he say you were being self-centered, as in at that moment? Or was he saying "doggiedo, you are a self-centered person." I would think that if you were a self-centered person, you would've heard that from someone else before now. Have you? I doubt it. Maybe he meant something else and used the wrong "insult". I'm sorry you're hurting. <3
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Default Nov 03, 2012 at 05:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doggiedo View Post
Am I being selfish coming on here and posting this then? Taking up people's valuable time?

No and no.

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Default Nov 03, 2012 at 05:31 PM
  #5
I think people who have mental health issues, as we all do, have to put a little more effort into taking care of ourselves than those without do. We have to focus on ourselves a lot in order to try to function well with our challenges. Sometimes this can be perceived as "self-centered". When we were first together, many years ago, my wife would say things like this to me. I think I have partly become less self-centered and she has partly come to understand my need to take care of myself.

The fact that you volunteer and try to help others is a great thing and proves that you are not only thinking about yourself. So no, I don't think you are being selfish by coming on here and posting things and seeking the support you need! We all need support at times, and sometimes a LOT, in order to be able to move beyond ourselves at times and help others in the way that you do in your life.

I'm glad you posted this and hope you are feeling less hurt as time goes on.

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Last edited by dailyhealing; Nov 03, 2012 at 07:27 PM..
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Default Nov 03, 2012 at 07:11 PM
  #6
You don't sound self-centered and he doesn't sound like someone you would want in your contacts list. Did he at least offer some reasons for having that opinion?
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Default Nov 04, 2012 at 09:31 AM
  #7
So here is the backstory- he texted me to say hi and to let me know he was working (police overtime) at a game my school plays at. He asked what I was up to and I said I was in bed watching a movie. He asked if i was seeing the bf this weekend...he usually asks that to be polite. i told him that he might be coming over later so I should get up and shower and shave my legs -hehe. He was like-too much info. I was surprised since he asked in the first place and I was wondering why me saying that bothered him. He talks about his dates and kissing new girls all the time....so why should me getting all dolled up for my bf be any different?

He responded that I am so selfish sometimes...that is should realize that. I was like, what????? So that's how it went. I told him to "tell me more about how self centered and selfish I am" and he was like no, I'm not going there. So obviously he had more to say.

He did text later and say one example was how I make plans with people and then break them because I don't feel like doing it. He said I never realize how that impacts other people. I was like what? I haven't done that in a while..like months. And I usually only do that to my parents who totally understand when I reschedule stuff bc I need a mental health day or am feeling down. He doesn't get that. He just sees it as being selfish I think.

Daily healing- I agree- I do have to worry about myself and for my own well being- it's prt of being healthy for me...and the only way I can get through things.

It really bothered me tho. I think everyone is self centered to a point. I think u need to be or else you'll be living solely for other people and not taking care of yourself and your needs, I mean, I never claimed to be Mother Theresa for goodness sake!

He did text me later to tell me my school was winning the game. I didn't respond.
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Heart Nov 04, 2012 at 10:16 AM
  #8
I second that. No and no : love:


Quote:
Originally Posted by Rohag View Post

No and no.
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Default Nov 04, 2012 at 11:39 AM
  #9
thoughts:

it sounded like your response (shaving your legs, etc) stung him. if he had no feelings for you, i would think he'd laugh and joke about it instead of it leading to him telling you that you're selfish - it sounds like it opened up some sort of small wound. just guessing/talking here. and possibly over analyzing. you know better than anyone if he was trying to hurt you, or attempting to talk something out that bothers him.

as far as the occasional flakiness goes, we aren't perfect. most friends accept that you can't always follow through with something you commit to because of mood changes or depression or whatever you want to call it or label it as, because they love you anyway. that said, others will not understand why you flake out and it is usually due to a perception that you don't want to hang out with them, but if you explain that it isn't THEM and they still don't understand, then they have to deal with that as they see fit. if it's something you want to change for yourself (following up on all commitments you make) then you can try, but nobody's perfect and it's part of who you currently are. again, doesn't mean you can't try to change that about yourself if you want to.

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Default Nov 04, 2012 at 11:09 PM
  #10
I agree...It sounds like he still has feelings for you because that selfish comment was totally unrelated to leg shaving...lol. Seems like he was dragging up all these hurt feelings from the past because he hears that you have moved on.
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Default Nov 04, 2012 at 11:50 PM
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He was just trying to ruin your happy moment of getting ready to see your bf, classic jealousy move. Don't dwell on it, I'm sure you have many wonderful people in your life who appreciate all you do for them through your volunteering, many students who look up to you, and a family who loves you. Self-centered people don't usually have too many other people in their life as its all about them. And definitely don't EVER worry about coming here and 'taking up peoples time.' We are all here for each other, for whatever problems may arise =) -sciencegirl
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Default Nov 05, 2012 at 09:14 AM
  #12
To be honest, I don't have too many people in my life, besides my boyfriend, my parents, and family. It's not that I don't have people in my life b/c I'm self centered (or at least I don't think so). I have friends, but many of them just started having families of their own, etc. We are at different stages in our lives, and don't see or talk to each other as much as we would like. That's all. But yea, I don't have too many friends otherwise.
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Default Nov 05, 2012 at 01:25 PM
  #13
It sounds as if he was jealous and had hurt feelings, and that is why he lashed out like that (kind of like in grammar school when a boy pulls your pigtails and runs away).

Is this a friend worth having ((((DD)))). Are there reasons to continue with this childish behavior other than only having a few friends in your life?

I had a first responder ex bf. It was nice knowing he could protect me and save me and help me just in case / or what if .... but I ended our romance for a reason: his jealousy, weird comments and passive/aggressive behavior were exhausting. It mellowed a bit when we were trying to salvage the friendship but he was just a mellower obnoxious version of himself.

I had to decide whether or not I wanted to have one friend or two friends. I chose one friend. I'd rather have one friend that is consistent and kind.

to you

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Originally Posted by doggiedo View Post
To be honest, I don't have too many people in my life, besides my boyfriend, my parents, and family. It's not that I don't have people in my life b/c I'm self centered (or at least I don't think so). I have friends, but many of them just started having families of their own, etc. We are at different stages in our lives, and don't see or talk to each other as much as we would like. That's all. But yea, I don't have too many friends otherwise.
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Default Nov 05, 2012 at 03:08 PM
  #14
Doggy, he IS a jerk. He's just trying to make you feel bad because he feels bad about himself.
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Default Nov 08, 2012 at 09:33 AM
  #15
You'd think I would learn. I apologized for being self centered and we were back to texting...mainly bc I'm lonely and have noone else to talk to. So last night I complained I spent 2.5 hours in traffic because of bad weather and today my boss and a few others called in sick b/c of their kids. I said I wish I had an excuse to not go to work. He told me I was complaining and to stop being so negative. i can't win! I just want to jump in a lake and spare everyone.
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Default Nov 08, 2012 at 10:41 AM
  #16
I used to make plans and cancel them a lot for mood reasons. I usually was in a good mood and had energy when making plans, then after a few days, low energy and not able to do much. It took me quite a long while to be more cautious planning things. Learning I might not be up to it then.

I know for sure this could annoy people (even if my friend was understanding), but was it selfish? NO WAY! It was just me not understanding my mood swings yet. It was nothing I did on purpose. It wasn't like I changed plans to do something much funner, I changed them to stay home and feel like crap.
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