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Old 07-22-2013, 07:56 PM #1
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Default a person that never gave themselves a chance

What would one think of a person that 'never' gave themselves a chance?

What would one do if they were in the shoes of the one that 'never' gave themselves a chance?

Easy answer? Complex? or pure judgmental?

I'm conflicted on how one could stay/hang out/any relationship (including interpersonal) with another if they just always saw one as they 'never' gave themselves a chance.
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:46 PM #2
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Default Re: a person that never gave themselves a chance

I think it is easy to judge from the outside, very much harder to walk a mile in someone's shoes. Everyone is created with the innate motivation to succeed. Success is relative. You never know how much someone has persevered through in life. For some, the greatest success is to be alive. I think it is dangerous to lump people into categories of success and failure. There are barriers, yes, both internally and externally, to "success." Some people "play it safe." Does this mean that they never gave themselves a chance? I don't think another human being gets to decide that. And about being in a relationship with that person, sometimes, those are the people that need others the most. You never know how you might touch the life of another, for better or worse.
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:57 PM #3
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Default Re: a person that never gave themselves a chance

If that one were a friend or loved one I'd feel sad and want to give them chances as I could. I'd think a bit like I have thought of my elderly relatives who can't get out anymore on their own but still appreciate a ride in the car or a meal out at an easy/family restaurant, etc. I'd appreciate myself and what I could do for them but would not let them bring me down or get in the way of my living my life. I would try to be a good model of someone who gives themselves chances.
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Old 07-31-2013, 11:51 AM #4
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Default Re: a person that never gave themselves a chance

Thank you Kate King and Perna for replying to this. IT does mean a lot to me.

I have been hesitant to write out what was steering me when i posted this original post.
Someone that I love, referenced this to me and I took it very harshly.
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Old 07-31-2013, 12:20 PM #5
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Default Re: a person that never gave themselves a chance

This brought back the picture of my father......I had the hardest time wondering why my mother chose someone like that who had no ambition to do much of anything with his life other than get by....he never wanted anything in his life that caused him stress & yet he died of heart failure from damage he'd had due to untreated high blood pressure most of his life.

I thought he never gave himself a chance to succeed & thought he never had any ambition. I thought he was a looser because he would always argue with friends given his point of view which was so far off from reality that even at 5 years old it was obvious.

Then my mother told me all he had gone through as a child.....WWII over in Austria......& of course, he father would argue the same way he did so much of it was a learned behavior & he lost his mother to cancer when a senior in high school & he was the one staying at home caring for her.

The point....we don't know what the person who we feel has never given themselves a chance has really gone through in their life that has brought them to where they really are. Having a better understanding of the person & their life & past life can really be an open book to why it seems they have never given themselves a chance......there are usually some pretty good reasons.

I know for my stbxh.....he didn't give himself a chance because he choose to be arrogant in college & think himself better than the instructors & he didn't want to bother doing anything that he didn't feel was enough of a challenge.....throughout life we have to do things that are & aren't a challenge. He had parents that gave him a good home & everything he wanted, he got on credit....his parents never taught him the real value of $.......so in reality he never gave himself a chance to succeed because his attitude blocked him.

There can be all kinds of reasons......one really has to see the reality of the situation to be able to make any kind of appropriate determination.
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Old 12-20-2018, 11:09 PM #6
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Default Re: a person that never gave themselves a chance

Quote:
Originally Posted by beauflow View Post
What would one think of a person that 'never' gave themselves a chance?

What would one do if they were in the shoes of the one that 'never' gave themselves a chance?

Easy answer? Complex? or pure judgmental?

I'm conflicted on how one could stay/hang out/any relationship (including interpersonal) with another if they just always saw one as they 'never' gave themselves a chance.
Well past Beauflow, like 5 years later...are there are still times that this feeling comes up?

Yes, some times... it hurt so much that he uttered these words because I had felt like this and thought myself a failure.
But yet, I've tried to learn to take that as a tool, too.. also recognize that this could be depression talking.
I will say that I have also gotten better with (or trying to) reminding myself I've all been through and "look at me now" .... and even If it's not much, there's been " small" successes(if I accept them) and I am still going.
I still worry... haven't done enough.. or what's the point at times.. but perhaps that's just me.

_________

Also thank you all that gave support back when this was originally posted....
Though Eski, I wonder if your exh , of he had his own set of issues and struggles-- thus his self saboteur ways ??

The other day I made a comment to my ex, "I question to myself "why do I have any reason to be depressed??! ".... and remind myself - for me-well, in reality part of this is my brain and even if I lived well off in a mansion I still may very well have a reason for depression and probably would"....
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Old 12-21-2018, 02:20 AM #7
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Default Re: a person that never gave themselves a chance

It took me 11 years (& still working on it) to undo what 54 years of life had created in me. Time & patience is the key.

I honestly didn't notice much progress along the way then one day I looked & saw the complete change that had really happened. Well not complete.....it is now being more refined.

You will get there too.
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Old 12-21-2018, 03:23 AM #8
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Default Re: a person that never gave themselves a chance

That's a very deep question, beauflow. Just remember that it's not your fault for feeling like this. Depression can have a big impact on our lives and even affect the way we think. Please don't be too hard on yourself. It's clear you're trying your best. I'm so glad you're doing better. Keep fighting and don't give up! Remember that you're strong. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 01-03-2019, 07:29 PM #9
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Default Re: a person that never gave themselves a chance



I’m suspicious of “never” statements and I wonder why this person said that to you, other than to hurt you. I haven’t found tough “love” to usually be particularly effective to facilitate positive change, or even to be love at all.

Thanks for sharing this
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