[bearguardian]

2 16 2017 SHEMHAMFORASH

The second message for this day. And I hope the last. For I need rest.

Kthulu priest opens the variable-box that spells doom. With hand motions he manifests the fiery spinning triangle in the air. Lightning flashes and thunder rolls. Spells pour from the triangle and into the box. Something is written there, something that would shape this life, my miserable wrethced existance.

With my every breath I add another spell into the box, that cursed wishing-well, hoping that the stars will hear my plea and release me from the flesh-prison.

There is something living inside me, and not of this world. I can feel its current running through me. Its v.i.t.r.i.o.l. blood. Its fiery acid. Rejecting all that my life was supposed to be.

[bearguardian]

17 2 2017 THE DREAM

I was sleeping for 20 hours. Sometimes this happens. It sucks.

One dream was really upsetting and inspiring.

I dreamt I found a crystal. I opened it and light poured out, showing me a hologram of a child girl. She was all too real. Only grey and black spots that moved across her dress revealed that she was not human.

I was convinced she was some kind of djinn from another dimension. I was terrified.

[bearguardian]

18 2 2017 3PM, a little panic attack

Symbol of the day is a stream, floating around and inside me. It appears not to care of my opinions and emotions. I can only reflect and reason but the stream has a mind of its own. And its full of fears, memories and illusions...

I need a hug...

[Clara22]

(((((bearguardian)))))

[Fuzzybear]

[bearguardian]

19 2 2017 THE BUBBLE

Last night my entire reality fell apart. Or should I say my fantasy fell apart. The same thing really.

I do everything to keep my world bubble safe (and this is not an easy work). I dont think its being a coward or escaping reality. Its the only way I can live without being crushed by the weight of the external world and inner turmoils.

My bubble is healthy at the moment of writing this.

I hope Im not being a pest with this journal.

Thank you fuzzy and clara and everyone.

[bearguardian]

19 2 2017 A WARNING

In the light of my last post I decided to call my selves for a special meeting. I will report tomorrow how it went if needed.

I am concerned that my rational self and my schizophrenic self are in collision.

We had a short dialogue and decided to put a warning signature below.

[bearguardian]

20 2 2017 NEW VISUALS

I have elected a self that will act as a sort of alien translator between selves, reminding me to always look at the whole picture.

He or she is not a president, maybe a sort of ego self, something I have ignored for a long time.

I do have a queen in my world but she is a meta-programmer, magical self that creates all the schemes and other selves. She is not really controlling everything.

Its a nicely organized world.

My disordered and suffering part was the reason this world was created. He or she or it is always pulling me with its heavy ****ing negativity, sometimes more and sometimes less.

However rational I get it is always there invisibly circling and whispering (please help I need a hug).

Despite everything I still love my magick world. It was a long and hard road creating it.

Everyone should have one.

[bearguardian]

21 2 2017 4AM COGITO ERGO SUM

I- am reading in the middle or Descartes chapter. These few days have been marked by search for my sense of self, alien-translator I called him in last entry.

I- think therefore I am. Still processing that claim by Descartes.

I- am a lover of ideal, mathematical, a kind of perfect world that goes beyond my imperfect disturbed temporary self. But I should work more to understand him.

I- have a therapist in a few hours. We never hugged. Im too sensitive for that in the real world. Its amazing how easy is to hug people here.

[bearguardian]

21 02 17 LOST IT

I lost my temper today with some people. Nothing serious happened I just stormed out of the situation. Now have to face anxiety and depression and shame.

My therapist told me its not wise to share here personal informations with strangers. I told her that this cant be compared to real life and its a world of its own (I mean its not like you stop a stranger and pour it out. This is a virtual world designed for such talk).

I think we both have a point.

[bearguardian]

21 2 17 10PM ENTER SANDMAN

Soon I lay me down to sleep
Pray the lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake
Pray the lord my soul to take

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by bearguardian

21 2 17 10PM ENTER SANDMAN

Soon I lay me down to sleep
Pray the lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake
Pray the lord my soul to take

[bearguardian]

22 02 17 TAKE A WALK

Today I was out more then usually, just walking and stuff.

I also got my mind out of usual though patterns. No Kthulu incantations!

I programmed alien-translator to be more careful when speaking.

Do you have any advice how to stop obsessing and worrying if what you said was enough or correct?

I usually obsess but today I realized how disturbing it is when my sister asked me for sensitive advice.

[Clara22]

I don't know if this is useful but I love the chocolate one https://www.fastcompany.com/3040809/...-stop-worrying

[bearguardian]

Thanks Clara and Fuzzy. Looks like I already did a few of things you linked, like writing here.

I also give foods a magical properties. When I eat chocolate I imagine banishing negative effects of Apophenia.

I also have to work more on other thought disorders. I plan writing something about it tomorrow.

Looks like my sister is questioning her lifestyle.

Its sad that she had to get fired to come to her senses.

[bearguardian]

23 02 17 LEVELS

This is my mental map, simplified.

With years gone by these symptoms have changed in its intensity, perception and other factors.

normality
-contemplation
-visions
-dreaming
-other activities

neurosis
-stress
-fatigue
-obsession
-depression

psychosis
-panic paranoia
-disorganized thinking
-delusions
-hallucinations

[bearguardian]

23 02 17 SPHINX

-hello today-

Secrets of the sphinx. And idea going in my head today.

Countless experiments and personalities have streamed through me. Some more true to myself and some less.

The less acceptable I left behind, annihilated by my fantasy sphinx test.

Some are so disturbing I locked away and buried somewhere in my memory desert (after confronting them).

Triggers to their bones are everywhere.

[bearguardian]

23 02 17

third message and a thought for the day:

spirits can hurt you more then humans

[bearguardian]

2 24 17 DREAMS VISIONS BEARS

math of the day:

224 = 2³ + 3³ + 4³ + 5³

day things so far:

I badly cut myself. Not on purpose, an accident.
I dreamed of bears and strange things.

lyrics of the day:

The plans came to me in a vision
Behold my hands
Guided by the supernatural
And the spiral it spirals
Plot the way trip away tip the scale
The stars align the fuel is fine
And we explode into oblivion
The Arcturian sign

[bearguardian]

24 02 17

Second message of the day.

Almost every important information of this day triggered memory with dreams I had this morning. It was not just last few scenes of a dream I usually remember. It was like a surreal story in my head that was reconstructed during the day. I will not record it as a usual dream. This deserves something more.

This was a strange day indeed. And to conclude it? with extraordinary news:

https://youtu.be/gGOy2Gcn3Vo

Age of alchemy is upon us. The circle is complete. The gods are returning magick with science.

And who shall be able to stand?