[bearguardian]

25 02 17 RUNA LOGOS KAOS

(mystery) = (reason) + (disorder) / x

I usually find mystery by giving meaning and reason to current expression of my illness.

/x is alchemical state, when disorder becomes healed, even for a passing moment; or it could also denote /x (I need a hug)

*HUG ME*

[bearguardian]

25 02 17

Second message.

No hugs?

Do you ever find yourself analyzing a word or phrase that you thought you knew exactly what it means?

If I remember correctly I started this obsession with the idea that "Jesus died for our sins". There is a strange word in Croatian language that describes this Jesus death idea.

To jump the subject. I almost totally distanced myself from Christian notions, church, bible, the whole package. The only thing maybe that I find still inspiring is the cross symbol, death and magick. Jesus is like Odin or Osiris. Died to be restored in magical means and forms.

I see death as a gateway to another existence. Only I want to pass those gates when very very old.

The cold presence of death is always with me and I feel as if I see through the window of another universe.

[Clara22]

Also I get myself far from Christianity or any other religion. Why did you do it? I did it because I do not believe in God. I just cannot think of a God

[bearguardian]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Also I get myself far from Christianity or any other religion. Why did you do it? I did it because I do not believe in God. I just cannot think of a God

I never could stand literal creator god but at the same time I was drawn to more mythological aspect of Christianity. I see Jesus the same way as Buddha or Hermes or Odin. They are figures, real or imaginary, that experienced something out of mundane.

Last year was pretty intense in my life. Lots of changes, in real and inner world. Lots of rejection and depression. And inner struggle to find a way to cope. I discovered how much I love mathematics and programming. And Christian myth became kinda obsolete, replaced just by imagination.

Im relieved that 2016 is over with its nonsense. Im still in my minds gloomy abyss, nicely said, but it makes a lot of more sense.

I dont understand that Christianity, a movement founded by idea of love, attracted all those nutters, nicely said.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by bearguardian

I never could stand literal creator god but at the same time I was drawn to more mythological aspect of Christianity. I see Jesus the same way as Buddha or Hermes or Odin. They are figures, real or imaginary, that experienced something out of mundane.

Last year was pretty intense in my life. Lots of changes, in real and inner world. Lots of rejection and depression. And inner struggle to find a way to cope. I discovered how much I love mathematics and programming. And Christian myth became kinda obsolete, replaced just by imagination.

Im relieved that 2016 is over with its nonsense. Im still in my minds gloomy abyss, nicely said, but it makes a lot of more sense.

I dont understand that Christianity, a movement founded by idea of love, attracted all those nutters, nicely said.

Yes, it is unbelievable

[bearguardian]

26 02 17

Mental illness is not really an illness but natures way of changing us. All these therapies we do are really hurting our true nature that wants to mutate into another form of life. We are born to be different, we are part of natures grand experiment, we must become superhuman.

dont worry this is not my opinion, just a -random reality idea-

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by bearguardian

26 02 17

Mental illness is not really an illness but natures way of changing us. All these therapies we do are really hurting our true nature that wants to mutate into another form of life. We are born to be different, we are part of natures grand experiment, we must become superhuman.

dont worry this is not my opinion, just a -random reality idea-

I think you have some good thinking here....it seems important to go with our true real nature....know thyself as much as possible

[bearguardian]

Originally Posted by little turtle

I think you have some good thinking here....it seems important to go with our true real nature....know thyself as much as possible

https://wiki2.org/en/Know_thyself+Milds.5

Know thyself, Delphic oracle thingy; thanks for reminding me. I must not forget that again.

[bearguardian]

27 02 17 4AM

Wedding trumpets scenery for me has turned into something like judgement tarot card.

My life feels like guarded by Poes raven. Immersed in shadows from which my soul will never rise.

I use tarot cards for everything but fortune telling (tarot is great for psyche exploration).

Do you have any game you play alone?

[bearguardian]

27 02 17

The second message.

Im a bit manic today. No sleep for 24 hours so far. I had a few downward spirals but mania continued. I will probably be half dead tomorrow.

This morning I got a weird math book "mathematical stories" roughly translated. It contains 12 mathematical gems simply explained with beautiful illustrations.

Im also immersed in Learys tarot of personal and species evolution.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by bearguardian

27 02 17

The second message.

Im a bit manic today. No sleep for 24 hours so far. I had a few downward spirals but mania continued. I will probably be half dead tomorrow.

This morning I got a weird math book "mathematical stories" roughly translated. It contains 12 mathematical gems simply explained with beautiful illustrations.

Im also immersed in Learys tarot of personal and species evolution.

Hope you can sleep a bit

[bearguardian]

I did get sleep but as expected was afraid to get out of bed. Everything feels like horror now. I needed courage to even look at these messages.
Thanks Clara.

[bearguardian]

28 02 17

I almost recovered from an episode so far.

Stared into a beautiful-blue-faced-alien-girl. That helped.

Nine of swords is the card of the day. Image speaks for itself.

[bearguardian]

01 03 17 PRIVACY

I am nearing the completion of my writing project and also bumped into a post about privacy in other forum. So the problem is.

I write for exploration of my inner world and my illness.

I dont want to be associated with what I write.

I also dont wish it to just disappear into oblivion.

So the problem is if I even self publish by making a few prints and handing them to some (my T and my neurotic sister are the only ones I can think of anyway) the thing is most likely to be spread.

Dont tell me to publish under pseudonym, that means nothing today, it would be traced to me.

And apart from all this, I feel like I write nonsense that can only be understood by me giving it sense.

Thats it. I suck at writing like in everything else. I should delete this post.

Bwah, here it is anyway. Maybe I could read-a-card from your comment if you have some.

[little turtle]

bearg--please don't stop writing...you are ok...don't turn against yourself...
we are all ok and we are trying hard to live in this world of bad and good...

[bearguardian]

01 03 17 THE WORLD CARD

Thank you turtle friend.

Had a little sleep in the afternoon and downed safely from mania and writing.

Tomorrow morning I have to call-order meds and print my book for a safer reading (read 2 panic attacks).

Still not sure what Im gonna do with it, but it will be a nice addition to my library. Im loving the way its turning out. Its my weird little thing.

[bearguardian]

02 03 17 THE HANGED MAN

Im not a control freak yet I cannot leave my dog alone in my room. My room is a shrine of art and delicate stuff, things animals dont appriciate much.

I also dont allow opening the door without knocking.

And nobody is allowed in my room, except the dog, and only when Im also around.

Im not a fan of most of uncertainty expressions, they trigger me seriously.

Also at times I believe that my room is traveling in space-time pulled by my neuroenergy.

Seriously.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by bearguardian

01 03 17 THE WORLD CARD

Thank you turtle friend.

Had a little sleep in the afternoon and downed safely from mania and writing.

Tomorrow morning I have to call-order meds and print my book for a safer reading (read 2 panic attacks).

Still not sure what Im gonna do with it, but it will be a nice addition to my library. Im loving the way its turning out. Its my weird little thing.

keep going good bearg..

[Fuzzybear]

[bearguardian]

03 03 17

Thanks fuzzy, turtle, clara and all...

I handed my book to my sister and she actually likes it (she told me that before I told her it was written by me).

Theres lots of psychology (+math&weirdness) in it so I think it will help her in some way. It completes my other gifts (tarot and philosophy novel).

And now for a fresh start in my new writing project.

There was an incident in printing the book when I had to correct lots of word program incompatibles. Headache and nausea I have now.

Damn you people. Switch all to linux and thrash that windows tyranny.