Why I feel like committing suicide at times

I feel I've been born under the wrong circumstances when it comes to parents, otherwise I'd have a better social life. I just see everything as purely genetic and feel I lack control over my fate.
I've been pondering on which university to attend ever since I licensed to a nearby university. I want to go to further universities because I want to be away from home, a place I feel has given me mostly wrong.
But something is keeping me from it. I don't know what. It could be comfort. It could be love. But if it were love, wouldn't I have a better social life? Were it love, wouldn't I feel a more emotionally attached mother and have a useful father figure?
I have no fuel for passions. I want to bring my inner world outside and I just end up not doing so. I want to express my imagination through digital music and perhaps art... but I can't.
I've become volatile - lost faith in people, begun to see everything as a competition, even love.
I feel like a wasted human because of my parents. They don't emotionally care about us. The only one to display emotional connections is our father, and those emotions are mostly negative. The positive ones are calm compared to the more powerful negatives.
I'm not moving out, because I'm not always sure it will solve all my problems and magically make me feel better... but sometimes I think it will.

Again, I've been in an inner volatile state lately. I have moments where I feel recovery, but right now is the moment I feel feelings in need to be heard.

From here it's just venting so I'll stop for now and be as on-point as possible. Thank you for listening and understanding.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I started feeling better when I moved out and got my own apartment at 18. I don't know how toxic your environment is at home but if it's bringing you down, I encourage you to pick a university further away or to move out. Are you seeing a therapist and pdoc? Best wishes...

I go to a weekly therapist and a monthly psychiatrist for St. John's Wort 500mg (natural AD) maintenance.
I still have to figure out how much home is truly toxic.

The pinpoint of all this is success and romantic relations with women. Not only did I struggle with romance, but also with general interactions with women. I'm concerned It'll be too late to marry and grow a family if I ever wish to.
I am concerned about stigma relating to staying at parents' home from the woman's side since she may leave... This is about fear from the SO's fears/concerns. It's sad. I had a 1.5 months GF (first one) all of a sudden break up with me and never told me the reason. She said she can't put her finger on it. However, at one part during sorting the breakup when I attempted to understand her, she said "I don't want to hurt you", so from that I knew she knows the reason for that, and it was one reason I cut contact with her in the long run instead of staying friends.

I am having the same problem with men. I have been a widow for over 3yrs. and just started getting out and about. I was married for 41 yrs. and stayed true to him. Just now accepting schitzo something plus who knows what ever else is limiting my acceptance from romantic others. If they hear my conversations with the unseen others it scares them off. It seems generally people are threatened by me even though I am not threatening them.
I want to leave this plane but there is something I am still needed 4. My plans to leave get interrupted.