[arcangel]

I'm a very private person so it's incredibly hard for me to open up. And when I do everything tends to get jumbled up. I've tried this a couple of times already. I don't know if this will be third time's charm or 3 strikes... you're outta here...
I feel empty. I feel hopeless. I don't even feel very interested in being helped. And yet here I am again
I've had several episodes of depression over the years but I don't recall ever not wanting help. When this latest episode began to get bad I knew the signs and tried the usual methods that had helped before. Biking, walking, any physical activity. It helped a bit. I know that if depression and anxiety comes back in full force I will be feeling much worse than I'm feeling now. I'm not really suicidal but something similar. Desperation maybe. Maybe it's a state of being resigned to the fact that this is not looking like it's going to end well. Maybe it's just gotten tiresome.
I had to move in w/ my sister a while back. I had to leave my job because of the anxiety and stress. I thought I could get another job. I'd forgotten how much anxiety came w/ job hunting. And I hadn't been paying attention to the economy. I made a little money making custom car parts, doing odd jobs, and partial resto's of classic cars. But as time went on I had to sell my two cars and trade down my DD and sell all my "toys." I doubt that I could ever find a job where I would last. I have a hard time just going outside recently.
Over the last few months as the dep and anx have grown worse I've begun to feel desperation. I've always loved California and hey... SF has that nice Golden Gate bridge. This post is not about dying but I'll add the trigger icon for that last sentence. I don't want to die but I'm not sure how much longer I can face my life. There is no in between. If I wait much longer I won't have enough money left to get to SF. I'm not sure my anxiety could be controlled on the trip anyway. I'd have to be balls to the wall desperate to do anything here around my family. So I'm backed up in this corner and there's a rock on one side and a very hard place on the other.
I don't expect anyone to have any answers on what to do here. I realize that it isn't fair to even make a post like this. I suspect there may be a lot of people in my situation who don't make posts like this either out of privacy or consideration. I feel like I should apologize for writing this. I feel silly and embarrassed for writing this.
If this post needs to be edited or deleted then so be it but I don't think I could ever be this honest and open about my life again.

[my3sns]

Please dont feel silly or embarrassed , there are probably many on here that can really relate to your writings here. And you should not apologize your feelings are your feelings and they are valid. Stick around you may just find some relief here .. Take care

[Rohag]

Just for reference: city data for San Francisco, CA

[SoupDragon]

Wow that last sentence was so powerful. I wonder if you can find a way to continue to be so honest and open - I find it so hard to talk about my stuff and this gives me encouragement, so please don't feel silly, you are being helpful.

I love classic cars, but I guess british ones are probably very different to the classics you have out there. I lived in Florida for a while about 20 years ago and my friend had an old chevrolet(?) Impala convertible - we had such fun in it, it was huge and we managed to squeeze a whole bunch of us in and go cruising in the evenings. They were good times. Take care.

[arcangel]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Just for reference: city data for San Francisco, CA

Thanks friend. If I can get that far I think I can find the bridge

[lynn P.]

(((arcangel))) - I know it's hard for some of us to open up here. Usually I enjoy supporting members but I do occasionally ask for support and it puts us in a vulnerable position, if we're not used to opening up. I also think some men struggle with opening up and being vulnerable because they think they have to appear strong at all costs. The problem is, men have the same feelings and you/they need outlets too.

To start -how long have you struggled with depression? For men it can be a particularly huge blow to suffer financially and lose ones job and home. It's safe to say most mens feelings of self worth is tied to what they do and what they have unfortunately. This bad economy had ripped many peoples lives apart, including my family.

Have you had a good physical lately? If not you should get one, including blood tests and ask them to test hormone levels and vitamin D. Men do get a drop in testosterone as they age and vitamin D plays a huge role in emotional and physical health. I recommend buying a liquid Vitamin D -all you need is a couple drops a day. I started this a month ago and I feel better physically already. Many people have low vitamin D levels.

Since you love fixing cars, I think you should look for jobs doing that, but you should also take any job for now, even if it's out of your field. Keep up with the exercise, preferably add some weight lifting. When our muscles feel strong we feel strong mentally. All I know is, I'm so against suicide - I lost my brother 3 yrs ago. As we get older we have to work harder to keep our physical health. I know anxiety's tough but you can't let it hold you back. I had it alot when I was younger. Consult with your doctor and learn some coping techniques like slow breathing etc. I'm glad you posted here and everyone can relate to how you feel.

[myart]

As a new person looking for answers to understand my husband depression. Reading you has open a door that may refelect how he feels. Expressing feelings isn't his forte so good for you for letting it all out.
So ***THANK YOU FOR YOUR HONESTY!*** and I hope the best for you

So far, I can see that we help eachother around here! so my turn to positiv energy

Myart