Jealousy

I've written here before about my mom passing 2 years ago. I was her caregiver and lived with her for over 16 years 24/7. Since she died, I've just been so very, VERY lonely.to the point I just hate this existence. I use the word existence because that is what I'm doing. I'm NOT living, very, VERY rarely happy any more, hate the apartment I'm in(subsidized housing because I'm disabled) and unfortunately most of the ppl in it. Anyway...to get back on track....I'm VERY jealous of my "friends" and other ppl because they (not everyone) have somebody. I'll explain...like my friend Joe, he has 3-4 family members in his house almost all the time. My friend Doug has his wife and two kids, etc etc.
My point being that since she died I have no one. And just knowing others have ppl there with them hurts me. I miss her.
.she was my EVERYTHING. And now I have nothing. If I had a vehicle I could at least get out of these 4 walls on occasion. If it wasn't so agonisingly painful to walk I'd take a walk somewhere.
I just plain HATE this existence!

I am really very sorry that you are hurting. You have us, here at PC. I am available to talk most nights.

I probably would have felt very similar, although I dont think you are jealous of your friends’ lives. It seems to me that you are grieving thus you miss ‘home’ and ‘family’ and similar concepts.
I admire you. If i were in your situation, I probably could not have found the courage to post.
May I ask? Why can’t you walk? Is it something that you can address?
I don’t know anything about you but I can see how painful it is having to redefine your identify and reconstruct your life without your mother.
I am here if you want to talk.

Thank you so very much.
I was in a bad car accident. The girl driving slammed into the back of me and as a result, I had surgery on my back. I had/have 4 hurniated disks and two bulging discs. I now have SEVERE siatica and it hurts in my mid, lower back, and the siatica hurts in my right hip. This hip pain is sheer AGONY. There are days when it hurts so bad that I don't eat or drink because I can hardly even stand up much less walk to the bathroom.
(Sorry I'm writing a book!)

As far as"home" goes, my mom and dad had a reverse mortgage on the one and only home I've ever known, my dad died before Mom, and when she died the house went to the bank.
She wasn't dead more than three days when I got a letter from the reverse mortgage company telling me to get out!!! So here I am packing up a two bedroom house, alone...I never had any time to grieve!! I was lucky enough to get this apartment when I did but I just don't like it here at all. All of the ppl in here are disabled in some way. But alot of them are just outright rude, and disrespectful. Slamming doors at all hours, talking loudly in the hall at all hours, etc etc. This is in no way shape or form, not will it ever be "home" to me. It just won't. They say home is where your heart is.....well my heart is in the house the vultures...oops I mean bank took.

For around 16 years (5,840 days) 24/7, I lived with and cared for my mother.(both an honor and a privilege) That is a very long time.
Long enough to get very used to certain things. Being used to having someone there, weather or not you're in the same room. Just knowing they're there was.... comforting. But now I am 100% alone. Oh I have "friends" that grace me with their presence every now and then, but nothing regular, nothing I can count on. And definitely not the same as having someone there 24/7. I feel very alone, without love(because she loved me so very much no matter what.)I've lost my "purpose" as well, Ive lost my home, the movers lost or stolen around 1/4 of mine and mom's things(they are a company in Canada so going after them in nearly Impossible. Too much money for legal action etc)so I just sit here and take it.

I'm just "tired", right to my very soul. Sick and tired of just about everything. Pain(both physically and mentally), money b.s., loneliness, thinking about mom, supposed "friends", this horrible place I exist in, not being able to see a doctor because of money(I got insurance but it doesn't start until Jan 1st, so meanwhile I suffer), not having a vehicle so feeling trapped here, etc etc

I don't know.....I just.... don't....know any more.

I am truly very sorry. I don’t know what to say besides that I wish there were people around you to help you.
I am disappointed at your friends because you should be able to open up to them like you opened up here, on PC.
How old are you? Do you have any relatives?
What is your level of education? Which state do you live in? If you are religious, may be the church can provide help? Are there any non profit organizations in where you live? There are non profits that extend care to those in need.
I am asking these because I would like to come up with ideas to help you.
Please do keep in touch. Isolation can make things worse.

Hip pain is equivalent of hell on earth. I haven’t had back pain, thanks to God, but I had a hip surgery hence the experience. Even physical pain alone can be sufficient to destroy your life. And, on top of that you have so much more going on. We are here for you.

Not only is hip pain the equivalent to hell on Earth but so is SOUL CRUSHING, MIND NUMBING, LONELINESS.
I can't take this BS much longer.

I feel so very helpless as I wish there were something I could do.
Please keep on posting so we know that you are okay.
I know things will get better for you. Please hang in there until they do.
I am here if you need a friend.

I am a little worried as I have not heard from you. I hope you are holding up.

I'm sorry if I worried you. I'm trying. Things in the loneliness department are a teeny tiny bit better. I got out yesterday (Tues)
I finally got some ingredients I've been needing. I love to bake.... something I haven't done since she died.....
But I'm hoping to get back into the swing of things. Seeing as how she died on the 13th of December, kinda close to Christmas it's getting harder as the days go by.
I wish upon all wishes just to hear her voice again or hear her laugh........I just can't remember what those sound like.....and it's eating me up. That, the loneliness, solitude, the PAIN(sorry to complain about it all so much!)etc.
But I'm desperately clawing and grabbing at any little moment, no matter how brief or long, of...idk... happiness??...I'm honestly not sure what happiness is any more so....

Thanks with all of my heart for caring. REALLY. I'm a complete stranger, but knowing ppl care helps alot. So thanks again.

You are not complaining at all. Share as much or as little as you see fit. It is okay, really.
I am impressed thAt you got out of the house as it can be quite difficult to accomplish.
Please do reach out whenever you want. We are here.

I'm trying to test out some cookie recipes. I'd like to make a few cookie platters for friends.
I'm hoping they come out well.
I'll let you know. Lol
Again, thank you.

I’ve been following this thread and have been worried about you. I’m so pleased you got out and that you are baking cookies. Sending big hugs.

Please ship some for me. I like my cookies soft and chewy. Joke aside, I hope you have a restful Thanksgiving and a joyful time with your friends.
I hope this improvement (even slight) in your daily activities continues. We are here for you either way.
Enjoy the cookies.

Hope everyone has a good day today! I'm alone, but will be ok.
I'm thankful for all of you today.
All my love and well wishes to all!!

I sincerely, and humbly apologize for lying to you all after you've been so very caring and supportive. I'm NOT ok. I'm alone. And I need to accept that. I absolutely cannot, and shouldn't count on others. I need to do for and be there for MYSELF. I have a brother that doesn't even try one damn bit to contact me and I don't know any of his contact info so...
But anyway I have no family so I need to rely on ME, MYSELF, AND I. I'm getting used to being alone. Very, VERY, quickly I will add.
Anyway...I truly hope you all had a great day, lots of good food etc

You’re not alone. People care, I care. Sending you a big hug

I do care about you. We all do. Please reach out whenever you want.
Yes, you may not be OK now or you may not be OK for a while. And it is OK and it is expected. I think the question is not “am i ok”?rather, “how can I manage this wild jungle of life when I am not OK?”
I might be wrong with my insight and if so, i apologize.
Please keep on reaching out

The scariest part my dear new friend is that idk if I WANT to be ok. My heart is forever broken, and blackened. I vow to myself to never love anyone ever again even remotely close to as much as I loved mom. Why you might ask? Because I absolutely, utterly refuse to hurt like this EVER again.
I have said for many many years (I'm 47) to all my friends and family over and over...I have two WORST possible fears in my life. #2 is of spiders. Unholy things they are. But the #1, WORST fear, the one that kept me up nights, and haunted my days.....BEING ALONE. So you see, just being alone, physically but also most of the time mentally, alone..is my hell on Earth. Forget adding on everything else, the pain, money trouble, hating where I live, supposed "friends", etc etc
I'm so miserable. Nothing, NOTHING, not even baking truly brings me any joy any more. Really. I'm a Trekkie, die hard, card carrying trekkie. Even THAT, can't bring me joy. Idk. I just. Don't. Know.