[littleowl2006]

So this is personal. I don't know what to expect. I know pain, I know love. I know every feeling in between. Therapy doesn't make things go away, it makes you understand. I understand what is going on and I am still depressed. My mind is clear, I know myself very well and I see and feel and understand so much about me and other people and the world.
I am sad these days, and nothing makes it better. My heart is heavy with grief for all the suffering that people are going through on our planet all the time, all the wrong that is happening to so many of us and all the animals and plants that are harmed and suffering and I cannot make it better. I am sad for all the losses and all the injuries that I have experienced as a child. Most of all, I grieve a loss of connection with my best friend. His depression is severe and I keep losing him again and again. Then he comes back for a couple of days or weeks and is his radiant, loveable, sweet, kind self and I ask myself: Will I have the strength to go through it once more, get close to him and then lose him again? Being around him makes me so happy and I love him so much, so I always take the risk. Then he goes away again, the depression is like an attacker that pushes him down. He is struggling so much and although he is in therapy, he often feels hopeless and also worthless. Feeling like that makes him drive people he cares about away for weeks and months on end. I miss him.
All the sadness and the fear weigh heavy on my heart. I am going through this alone and cannot talk to my friends about it. It is too painful to hear well-meant advice on what I should be doing and how it is not right that I suffer because of him. I know it is not right, but it is. I know that it is not my job to fix him. I know that I take on too much responsibility. I know all this, but deep down I know that this is not the point - the point is that I am feeling for him and that I am sad and worried and try to deal with all this pain that loving someone brings me.

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your pain...

[Teddy Bear]

Just enjoy the good times when he is well

[JamesRau]

Heart touched post!

[Fuzzybear]

[Crookedspin]

Hi,
First, I feel for you. You sound like a really lovely friend to have, and it sounds extremely painful for you to go through these love-and-loss cycles repeatedly.

If I may, from the perspective of someone who does what your friend does (when I'm feeling up to it, I've a great, upbeat, helpful friend; when I'm depressed I tend to disappear). I have tended to feel a lot of self-imposed pressure to be cheery, energetic, and even entertaining when with others. This draws people to me, and I feel good making them feel good. The problem with is if I feel that I'm only worth being around is when I have all this to offer, I'm going to feel the need to avoid people altogether if I don't feel I can meet this standard.

I'm working on feeling OK being with and communicating with people when I'm not OK, and am getting a bit better at it. What has helped somewhat are a couple of my friends really making clear to me that I can be myself (including my depressed self) with them. They've made it clear that they don't need me to entertain them, boost them up, be clever etc. and that they want to be with my "dark side" too. They have been accommodating of the fact that when I'd depressed that I find it very hard to leave the house or even get dressed, and are OK with just messaging a bit or talking on the phone.

I wonder if your friend feels a similar perfectionism; a feeling that he's not worth being with or even talking to when he's depressed. I don't mean to place responsibility on you because this isn't your responsibility to address any more than it is his. But I wonder if it might help if you'd let him know that he doesn't need to be his "radiant, loveable, sweet, kind self" in order for you to be interested in being with him. I have these 2 sides of me that it sounds like perhaps your friend does and it's just been really hard for me to believe that my depressed self is acceptable or desirable in any way even to the best of my friends, and I've need a lot of reassurance to stay in touch when I'm feeling less than "radiant" or even very "kind".

Again, you sound like a lovely friend whose endured a lot of pain on behalf of this person, and I hope that what I've said might perhaps be a helpful perspective

-cs

[introspectiveme]

I can relate to your post so much. Thanks.

[lucyjon]

I can empathize with your situation and you are not alone:\

I met a homeless couple last year, whom I've taken under my wing. I've helped them out, due to unconditional love. The woman, Ivy has hurt me financially and emotionally. Yet her husband Dakota understands and appreciates me. These two are my godson and goddaughter. Many people I know have told me to dump them or too kick them out of my life, even dropping my friendship if I kept them in my life. Yet I haven't I love them and will always have hope, faith, and love for them. They are both in jail right now and don't know when thet'll get out. I miss holding my goddaughter in my arms, telling her, "I love you, dear one." Many times her husband would witness my love for her, many times when she would hug and hold me, I'd cry in her arms.

I have a godfather. My priest at my church. Many times I have hugged him with the tears flowing. Yet a member of my church choked me and I am placing a protective order against him. In order for my court hearing to succeed, I am willing to leave church services on Sunday so my attacker can go when I'm not there. Meanwhile I will go to services there on Wednesday. So I may not see my dad on Sundays and search for a different church on Sundays.

Here's a poem I wrote that I hope you enjoy:

When you follow your heart, you leave explore places unknown and sometimes scary not knowing where the path will lead you.

Once you listen to your heart, you allow yourself to feel and can never go back.

Letting someone in your heart can put it at risk.

Yet to feel this emotion, you let your guard down, allowing someone in.

If one does not allow their heart to love another, in fear. They will live in an empty shell.

True you may get hurt by giving your love.

Without taking ths chance on love, your soul will grow dark.

[teacat]

I know the feeling. I have a good friend with depression now and lost one when I was younger.

[littleowl2006]

to you all for reading and commenting and hugging.