Reliving last year in my mind

The past year has been one of the most tumultuous, eventful, and anxiety-inducing years I have ever experienced. It was a culmination of many big life changes, and I think it was the first time I had ever experienced true depression. I felt like I was going through all the motions of life, but not really living it. I lost interest in the things I loved. I wanted to feel interested but I just couldn't bring myself to. I was never suicidal, for which I am grateful, but I simply couldn't see a future for myself. I had good friends who I know loved me but I just couldn't accept or feel their love. Although I had so many difficult days and bad nights, I also had some exciting experiences, but I don't feel like I was able to live them to the fullest.

Now that I am in a better and calmer place and feeling more like myself again, I constantly find myself thinking back to all the things that happened over the past year, as if I'm trying to re-live each moment in my mind, since I didn't really get to live them at the time. I don't know if that makes sense? It's almost like I'm mourning the loss of all the experiences I missed out on, of all the things I was there for but not really emotionally there for. I know it was a terrible time for me mentally, but I can't help but wish I could go back and re-live it all, just without feeling depressed. I've been reading old journal entries, old texts, listening to old playlists, looking at my calendar to see what I was doing on this day last year and it's all so vivid. And it's making me sad because obviously I can't go back. And I feel like I missed out on a valuable chunk of time.

Just felt like sharing that.... not sure what I hoped to achieve. It's just all very overwhelming to really realize that we only get to live the present moment once.

- AJ

Thanks for sharing this. I think there is a sense in which this may be a preview of what old age is like... at least what it's been like for me; reviewing all the lost moments... days, weeks, months, years & realizing you can't go back. As you wrote: "we only get to live the present moment once." Hope you're continuing to do well now...

I’m glad you are in a better place now where you’re no longer missing out on experiences. I hope you continue to approve.

((((grey_aj)))) I'm sorry you're struggling Just remember though, the past is the past. Now that you're feeling better, you can finally move on and do all the stuff that you couldn't before... with an all-new appreciation for life. I wish you good luck. It gets worse before it gets better.

Applying that feeling to the present might be the only way to deal with the time you've lost, at least it's the only thing I could think of. Live each moment now because you won't get another chance. I have had to work hard to train my mind to do this because for a while I had a similar problem. Thank you for sharing this, a few times it felt like you'd been inside my mind and typed it out here. Today is better for you than yesterday, that's no small feat. Be proud of yourself for making it through.