The Pain I Can't Take

Why do I need to talk about a thing? How will it help me to talk about things I can't bear to believe myself?



"I try desperately to run through the sand, as I hold the water in the palm of my hand. 'Cause it's all that I have and it's all that I need, and the waves of the water mean nothing to me. So I try my best with all that I can, to hold tightly onto what's left in my hand. But no matter how, how tightly I will strain, the sand will slow me down and the water will drain."

I feel like these threads I've started are irrelevant. Just like all of the "help" I've tried seeking out over these past years. I talk like I've lived a full life and am reaching close to retirement (at the very least). Truth is, I'm in my early twenties and I'm talking like this. Twenty-two and too old, too rundown, too far gone. I promised to stay alive until today. Now my promise has run out. But what's the point in taking it all away? All of that pain is there for a reason, right?

There has to be a reason to put someone through these things. There has to be a reason behind forcing someone to question their own sanity as much as I do. There has to be some kind of reason. Or maybe there's not and I'm a fool for thinking otherwise. When I see myself as an older person (when I dare to think about that awful subject), all I see is pain and regret. Old and dying alone anyway, so why didn't I take myself out before I got to that point? I see someone in agony, still living, not for themselves, but for the people this old soul has promised. Promised they wouldn't have to die after me. That I'd take that pain....

I don't think I can take that pain.

((((( So leigheas )))))

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. You deserve some happiness and joy. Keep reaching out to us here. Please be kind to yourself and hang in there until things start looking up.

(((So Leigheas)))

MDD with Psychotic Features, Dysthymia, GAD, Cluster C personality traits - Not taking any meds

Unlike the unhelpful help, your threads offer comfort and even insight to those who see something of themselves in them.

((((Sò leigheas)))) I'm sorry you're struggling so badly, friend. Just remember that you help many people here, daily. You are valuable and you deserve to be loved and be happy. I wish your pain could just disappear.

I wish I had the right words to take the pain away, or at least lessen it. Know that I’m always here whenever you want/need to talk/vent

(((((So leigheas)))))))

Your posts trigger my own loneliness and my mind screams, "Look, can you help her? You can't, because you're under my evil grasp too, of mental illness. Would your parents have made you like this if they weren't under my grasp? My power has no end, you can't stop me, fake doctor, I will make you obsessed with me and you'll die being nothing and calling yourself 'Dr.Almost Nothing' will be your daily routine till the very day your suffering ends. Then death will be in power, not me. Both are your and mankind's ultimate enemies, but both of you cannot stop us."

YouTube

If you've time, check this music out. It's called "A little push" from Mr.Robot. The top comment says
"You wanna know what I believe? That this isn't the end, that there's another world out there for both of us. That we'll see each other again. And we'll play, and dance, and bake, and sing. Doesn't that sound beautiful? Will you believe with me?"

Death won't be the end So. We'll transcend into a world with no pain and sorrow. That's at least what I believe. Sorry if I am being dramatic, it's just what I think about it when I read ANY of your threads.

If it's one thing I know about you Só leigheas, it's that you have the power of endurance, a strength. And I believe you'll get through the storm as well.

Thanks for sharing (((Só leigheas))). Nothing is in vain.