So last year was a complete and utter piece of ****. This year does need to be better.

Yet, the new years resolution I made for this year does not feel "do-able" if this makes sense.

Possible trigger:

my new years resolution was to stop self harm

I say "was" cause I'm having a hard time not doing it today and it's only the 1st of the month

We're hoping to get to see my grandma again at the weekend but it will depend very much on what the weather does.

There honestly isn't a single thing that happened last year that was actually a good thing. Even getting Willow fell on a bad anniversary (sp).

It feels like nothing I do is "good enough" for anyone.

High hypervigilance levels are not helping either I wish there was a "off" button for high hypervigilance levels

I feel like something bad will happen this year, as well as my grandma going to a better place, which we know will happen this year whether we like it or not, she won't survive to see another christmas and likely not her birthday either

meh this turd called whispershadow is polluting this forum and everyone's fed up of her, so sod off you turd

[cryingontheinside]

That is a hard resolution but a good one . i only say its hard because it sounds like maybe you you sh as a coping mechanism. You need to find something positive to replace it . pamper your self . treat yourself . please do not beat yourself up or talk negative about yourself. We want you to post here and we want to help you through it . we care about you

[Fuzzybear]

Whisper

[Thirty shades]

Whisper we will never be fed up of you...

You are amongst friends...

Sorry things are so hard right now...

I tried to post this as a reply to a blog post on here but it seems to of refused to let it through and I don't understand why:

Possible trigger:

After a painful relationship breakdown, still hurts to go into detail about it even years later, I ended up with nothing and became suicidal. I had two detailed sui plans put in place because I had nothing and no reason to even try to survive. It was only my sweetpea Ebony (rescue cat who came into my life the following year) that helped me fight. I had exactly no help from anyone through that year, family didn't want to know, professionals didn't want to know, there wasn't a single person who reached out and tried to help me.

I had to move back in with family and they didn't want a cat so I had to find a new home for my boy cat Dylan before a year later they fell for Ebony, just like I did, and brought her home and gave me full responsibility for looking after her. That's the only reason why I was able to survive, if Ebony hadn't come to me when she did I would not of managed to survive the depression I was going through.

At the time, I wasn't working so I didn't even have anything to distract my thoughts. I honestly don't remember much of that year, I think I blanked it out cause I'd rather not remember that time of my life.

I am no(female!) hero, Ebony was the hero cause of her past. Nobody cared about her before rescue took her in, yet she fought every day to survive and raise her kittens, yet she was also capable of trusting humans and chose to live, judging by how physically poorly she was she could of easily just laid down and let herself die but she didn't. She was a fighter and she helped me fight every day, one step in front of the next, until I was almost fully depression free.

The blackness still sneaks back at times, but nowhere near as bad as it was back then.

Sadly, Ebony was took too soon herself. After only knowing people be cruel to her before going into rescue, she had 4 years with me before she took her last breath. I stayed with her at the end cause I owed it to her and I still owe her the universe.

I'm really too tired right now to go through it and decide what bits actually need a trigger warning and what is fine as it is without trigger warning so I triggered warning the whole lot.

Ebony, sweetpea, I will miss you forever. You'll always be in a special place in my heart.

I'm hypervigilant and paranoid and hostile this evening, I'm scared I might lash out on the forum so I better shh

**** off three you turd, you don't belong here and I know I don't either but you're the turd so **** off and die

YOU made the bad things happen to Ebony so pi$$ off and die three you turd

THREE you sod off to forum jail

three's being so hard on me today despite work going well today.

Having to distract myself from three with cassetteboy's videos from youtube

[cryingontheinside]

Group hug . hope you will be OK

[Fuzzybear]

Whisper

I was watching the supervet and am now guilt tripping myself over not having given Ebony a chance, even though I felt at the time and still feel now that she'd been through too much cause of those scumbags

[Thirty shades]

((((Whisper))))