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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 06:34 AM
  #1021
I'm down and scared and nervous today. I would love to stay in bed all day...
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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 08:46 AM
  #1022
not having the greatest start to the week in the world.

nothing planned for today so just chilling
 
 
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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 01:50 PM
  #1023
I realized I am not a pushover in some respects... I do as I wish.

I wish the anger that fueled me in childhood would cool down now though. I am not too well adjusted...
 
 
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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 02:36 PM
  #1024
Not a ton of depression so far today and not much ruminating. We'll see if it holds up...

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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 02:46 PM
  #1025
Depression is kind of bad today. I'm really numb though. I have a counseling appointment tonight with my Pastor. I was really anxious about it. Now I'm just numb. So numb like I don't exist.

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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 06:53 PM
  #1026
The prospect of having to return to work makes me feel like I'm living in my own coffin and digging my own grave.
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Default Sep 30, 2019 at 07:33 PM
  #1027
Fairly active today. I took an hour's drive in the area where I'm staying. It was a nice drive but a gloomy day as it was drizzly. The foliage was nice to look at. I didn't sleep well last night because there was a lightning and thunderstorm; and it went on all night. There's a chance it's going to happen again tonight. After the drive I had other things that kept me busy.

I'm concerned about my friend. He's had some stomach upset for the last couple of days. I get very concerned about him because of his age. I hope he'll be alright.

I'm feeling more at home where I am now but still feel homesick and alone.

Last edited by will19; Sep 30, 2019 at 08:58 PM..
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 12:07 AM
  #1028
My shoulder has felt better today for the first time in 4 days.
Last week I ordered a book I have wanted for many years. It arrived today, in good condition, and I am enjoying reading it. I have read it before, it is one of my favorite books, and this is the edition I wanted that I never thought I would be able to find, or afford.
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 06:12 AM
  #1029
Today it's raining a lot. I have to go out, but the weather doesn't help me. My mood is crapt...
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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 04:45 PM
  #1030
Today I feel pretty bad about myself. I had a pretty crappy therapy appointment yesterday with my Pastor. I really want to SH and dissociate and lay in bed and disappear.

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Default Oct 01, 2019 at 08:36 PM
  #1031
I took a long drive to a destination and ended up very disappointed. I didn't stay at that destination very long because it looked unappealing to me. On the way to that destination, I was driving on highways that were desolate. Although very pretty with the foliage. It rained off and on and cold.

On the way to my destination on that desolate highway I almost hit and killed a turkey. I couldn't believe it. There were three turkeys just off of oncoming traffic and one of them flew off crossing my path. I slowed up and just brushed it's wings on the windshield. Thank goodness nothing happened!

I still feel homesick and weird at where I am now. But I am feeling a little bit better than before. It will all end this coming Saturday when I head back home. It's very difficult for a person with depression and anxiety to be in a strange place alone. Yet, that aloneness I have at home feels more comfortable, but it's still not the best feeling.
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Default Oct 02, 2019 at 11:43 AM
  #1032
Depression is still hitting me pretty hard. I'm trying to watch my thoughts because I know my feelings can get me in trouble. I have T tonight. Hoping that will help. HUGS Kit

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Default Oct 02, 2019 at 05:21 PM
  #1033
I have been trying intentionally to be positive today and I actually feel pretty good. Which is unusual for this time of day (late afternoon here), when I almost always start descending into the blackness. Anyway, gonna try to keep the positive train going, if I can.

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Default Oct 02, 2019 at 08:25 PM
  #1034
When I got up this morning I didn't have a plan to do something. But then I looked on a map and found an area that looked interesting to me. So I drove there. It didn't turn out the way I thought. It was nice but not as good as I had hoped. So I didn't stay long and headed back to where I stay. Also I had some slight stomach upset at the second half of driving, but felt fine when I got back. Had lunch on the road but it wasn't at a place that I had hoped for. It felt like an unproductive day but not totally. I will probably look back at it some day and thought that it was nice.

Still feeling anxious, depressed, and lonely. The three seem to go hand-and-hand. I had been doing some reading on depression with solo travelers. There were some good points to them, but I didn't care for the tips on how to overcome it. Too pat or generic.

I don't have anything planned for tomorrow but I may do laundry since the weather forecast is for rain and it will be almost time to leave. It should leave Friday, my last day here, completely open. And, wouldn't you know it, it's supposed to be nice on Friday! The one day since being here that's going to be nice is the last day!
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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 01:47 AM
  #1035
I am doing better.

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I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-
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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 02:23 AM
  #1036
Well, I had my appointment with the neurologist today. This was a follow-up after tests had been performed. Apparently I have a very small portion of a particular part of my brain that's shown up as very slightly brighter than it should on the MRI. The neurologist assured me that it was only slightly brighter. This isn't expected to be the cause of my recent seizure, and could in fact be resultant of it. I'm supposed to follow up again in a year and repeat the tests or something, and we'll see if anything's changed. She's not worried, however. I'm kind of freaking out because I'm wondering if it's the beginning of a tumour, and then I'll have to have chemo or something, and then I'll die at age 36 or something. I'm letting my thoughts get away with me. It doesn't help that I'm feeling particularly down lately. I don't know.
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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 01:10 PM
  #1037
Depression is still hitting me really hard. I've been fighting my feelings with my thoughts but I am out of ammunition. I'm worn out. I have no more fight left in me. I surrender. The feelings are just too strong. Regular T helped some last night but I wasn't bolstered as much as I had hoped. I didn't feel as put back together as I would have liked after Monday's disastrous T session with Pastor T. I'm still feeling unstable. I made myself come to work today, I really wanted to take a mental health day, but I decided I had better not in case there was a time I felt even worse. I was hoping to get distracted from my feelings but that hasn't really happened. I'm just trying to make it through the day in one piece (without SH-ing). That is my goal today. HUGS to all, Kit

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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 02:57 PM
  #1038
I told my cat I would only be out for about half an hour but when I got home I realized it had been more like a whole hour. I spent a lot on groceries but it's nice to know I've plenty in the house for now plus all that good exercise I got walking from store to store to store and home again.
Also I'm back on fluoxetine after about a month trying buspirone, which didn't help with my anxiety even though it didn't make me depressed as the supposedly anti-depressant fluoxetine had.
So all in all, today is having more ups than downs.

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I don't think my cat is watching the clock while I'm away! ^. .^
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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 04:39 PM
  #1039
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seafarer View Post
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I don't think my cat is watching the clock while I'm away! ^. .^
I'm pretty sure mine just take a snooze when I'm gone.

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Default Oct 03, 2019 at 04:48 PM
  #1040
Tomorrow is the last full day of my vacation. Saturday I will be making a long drive to the airport and then get back home.

So many emotions I'm dealing with today. From the start of this vacation, I felt like I had a long way to go. I worried that something bad could happen to me while I'm where I am now, far from home. And now I still feel that way even though it's about over. You'd think I would have gotten over that by now!

And now I'm thinking, when I get home, will I feel miserable? Will I miss this place that I've been staying in and wish to go back once I get home? I live in a big city (almost to the downtown of it) and where I am now is a very small town. It's been a hollow, lonely feeling being here and feel like something's missing. Yet the people here are friendlier than the people at where I live. Also the culture here is a lot more sane than where I live.

Today I did laundry in the morning because it was raining. In the afternoon I took a very nice walk on a trail that was just beautiful. Perhaps I have been feeling depressed because it's been cloudy, cold, and raining everyday since I've been here. Although no all-day rains.
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