Feel completely alienated

I feel like I’m a pariah to the whole of humanity. It is so hard to explain but I guess the feeling I have is one of being completely isolated. People are polite to me and I try very hard to be polite back, but I have a nagging feeling that they have a deep and guttural hatred for me and I really don’t know why. I feel like I’m so hopelessly awkward, I try to say something casual but maybe it comes off as rude? I try to share my interests with people but feel like I’m boring them or coming off as a know-it-all. There are times I wish I could just stay in the house forever and not have to interact with anyone, but then I do get so lonely.

One of the first things I was taught in therapy was to test my thoughts. You know...reality and the image each one has in his head of that reality are not the same. Sometimes, there are such a distance between one and the other.
Are you having the opportunity to see a psychologist to talk about this issue?

I’ve been in therapy before. I’ve also tried online therapy before, but had trouble sticking to it. I’ve been considering starting up again but I really want to find something face to face. I am wanting to find something secular because I am not religious and that is hard to find in my part of the world.

Intrusive thoughts are normal for people with anxiety. They are not you, though. You are able to hear them and reject them for what they are. Just thoughts.

Not sure if you would be interested in this book / website? Or if you have seen it before?

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA eBook: Pete Walker: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store

I have shut myself in , isolated myself . i have done it so much that now it is a huge challenge to leave my home even to go to the shop .
I feel lonely too . i wish i could give you some good advice . the only thing i can suggest is try to be kind to yourself , even try hard to love yourself , sonetimes ww need to at least like ourselves to believe that others can like us but hey i know too well that is easier says than done . i am a person who usually hates myself and beats myself up but recently I've tried being nice to me and i don't really know how i managed it but it is such a relief . i still have severe anxiety and agoraphobia but the depression is easing off a little for now anyway .i only hope it lasts

Have no positive words to say or solution, wish I did. Just to say I am the same. Same feelings and thoughts. The times I have them the least is when I am more dissociated, but they are still there, with less stress.
Therapy hasn't helped, medication didn't too, but dissociation is a big part of the problem that therapy doesn't help with nor medication. But at least we are not alone.

Just remember that feelings are not facts.

I'm so sorry, annoyedgrun84 I can relate to what you wrote. But please remember that just because you feel that way, it doesn't mean it's necessarely true. Perhaps you're not coming off as rude or boring, but instead as charming or lovable. I think it would be useful to work oun your self-confidence and self-love. After all, we can't fully love others if we don't love ourselves first. As AzulOscuro has already said, I'd suggest therapy as well. I think there are also some good self-help books on the subject. Perhaps you coul try to take a look at them? Either way, I'm so sorry. I hope one day you'll be able to see yourself as the kind, lovable person you truly are. Please don't give up. Things can get better. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you

Yes, I see that religious implications may be a problem when you are not a believer.
Religion beliefs may be a great help for people but only if you feel it.
In that case, if you don’t find very hard to communicate online with a therapist...I think in your case it would be worthy a try.

I understand you very well bc I have been also having all kinds of thoughts that invalidate me and I know you perceive them as very real. And yes, they can be responsible for your self-isolation. I did it. That’s why I stress you so much in finding someone you can work a therapy with.
For me, it meant a great difference to be able to go out of my isolation.

Meanwhile, as Mickey said, there are self help books, webs and all kind of stuff in the net.
For example, I have a book about social skills and there’s a whole chapter dedicated to testing intrusive or distorted thoughts. It’s in Spanish though. But, sure...there are many others out there, in English.
Then, there’s a technique that can help you, Mindfulness. It can help you to identify all those different thoughts you receive, label them and put them in their place.
There are many webs about mindfulness and there are podcasts too,
so you can begin with guided exercises of mindfulness.

It called me the attention something from your first post. Do you question yourself about whether people hate you or about dislike you? The first one it’s very hard with yourself. Too much.

I do frequently have the thought too that I’m just making mountains out of molehills. People don’t hate me I know that. But I don’t feel particularly close to anyone either. I’ve often wondered if I am somewhat on the autism scale or have aspects of an antisocial personality. Maybe I just have difficulty taking an interest beyond a superficial one in other people. I seem to recognize emotions in others though. I can also have a tendency to free associate and ramble when I talk, as you may be seeing here. Guess that means I should wrap it up.

From what I know the ramble thing, even the inability to relate in a deeper way with others, could it be only (but I’m not diminishing its relevance ok) what I mean that it could be only explained bc of your own psychological issues. I’m not saying this is your case, but people many times put a invisible wall around them to avoid showing up their vulnerability, also, if someone is very focused on something that is causing a suffering, worries...it’s normal that this person doesn’t find easy to connect with others.
I remember that in my first therapy I had to open up myself bc I didn’t let myself take the risk to open to people. My psychologist used to stress on that point.

Said that, I’m not saying you are not right and you can have a little of autism. There’s a whole scale in this condition. However, if I’m not wrong, you can have test done to guess this fact very accurately. At least, you will be sure if you can or not discard that possibility.
In relation to Antisocial traits, I guess you say it bc you don’t feel towards people as you think most of the people feel.
I think the best is to be able to check all these worries with a professional.
Again, I repeat, to sort it out the matter of religious implications, it would be better a therapy online, if you feel confidence enough. Nowadays, with the means that exist, you can follow an online therapy as if you were in the same room with your psychologist.

Keep rumbling as much as you want, annoyedgrunt84! I hope it helps. If you suspect you may have autism, I'd suggest to talk to your doctor about this and see how it goes from there. Maybe that could help. Hopefully you'll receive the help you need and deserve. Feel free to PM me anytime. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

I think others have given really good insight here with regard to inner thoughts versus reality. I can relate. I think I build an entire reality in my head and run away with it. It would be good to put our inner thoughts to the test. It takes some work. I think the others are right though. Reality might be a pleasant surprise and you never know if you don’t open yourself to new experiences.

Alright so I got the ball rolling on therapy again, I’m underemployed right now so I’m a little worried about where the money is going to come from, but I do have health insurance that should kick in on the 1st which I might be able apply to it.. I don’t know about autism or antisocial personality, I’m probably just shopping around for a diagnosis which is always dangerous. Although just weird isn’t really in the DSM it may be the most fitting. I am prone to existential crises for sure, afraid that my life to this point has been and will be meaningless. Are depressives more prone to such worries, or is it that such existential angst can trigger depression. Chicken and the egg perhaps?

I’m glad. Wish you luck. Normally most of psychological issues takes a long-term therapy. Don’t worry if a time arrives when your insurance doesn’t provide you more sessions until the following year or you can’t afford more sessions on your own.
That happens. But, this first push may be a great help for you that it won’t ever be undone.
I’m not gonna tell you that I’m totally fine and my issues disappeared bc it’s not true. But, if I look back that year when I attended to therapy, it was a great difference and I was able to do things that I saw as impossible before.
Maybe, your case is easier than mine or you are stronger and better in therapy.

Those moments where you can’t do therapy, stay here if you need it. Look for your own self-help too. There are plenty of things to search in the net that can help you. Try to know yourself better, take a journal, don’t be afraid of what you can see. Each person has his/her own social skills, ability to connect ...we are all different but equally valuable.

Forgive my paternal attitude. My social skills aren’t the best and I saw myself reflected in your thread when I was young.

I don’t mind then paternal attitude, I say coach me up. I have been thinking about something else recently too which may explain my reluctance towards therapy. Let’s say I do find out I have some anti social personality traits, would that mean I’m just a bad person?

If you are afraid of having antisocial traits and are wondering yourself if you are a bad person...I don’t think you can be Antisocial. The only fact of wondering onself about it, from what I know...it’s a clue to discard such a thing.
And even you have some traits, why are you gonna be a bad person? If you are aware of the behaviours that can hurt others and you avoid them.
Don’t be afraid to face to the truth.
A psychologist or a psychiatrist is not gonna judge you. There is no moral concepts in a therapy. In therapy is all about helping to know yourself and work on the traits that are stopping you.

I don’t want to give the impression that I’m very brave. Some years ago I was terrified with the possibility to have Borderline Personality Disorder. A proof of my ignorance about the topic and a choice for denial.
I’m also scare of being a bad person. I think that apart from our own issues, there’s that religious culture we many receive.
I’m not blaming Religion but the negative part that this may involve. The idea of that any mistake could be a sin and make of us, a bad person.