I am scared, something is going wrong and I might fail at college, need help

I have been psychotic-like symptoms free and dysthimic for around 8 months and now, after what it seems it is a depressive episode, something is going wrong (I was AD free for 6 months since It wasn't working very well and still have some depressive symptoms while on it, I started to take it again 2 weeks ago).

I only moved from my bed to walk my dog (and eat something before since I felt really tired) for a month, I didn't attend any of my examns. Ironically I was sleeping less than 3 hours a day even if I was almost all day in bed, I spent many hours crying. After I restarted the AD I began to move from my bed and I am sleeping at least 4,5 hours a day and up to 7 hours, now I am feeling less "purely" depressed and more agitated/anxious-depressed.

Sometimes when I sleep OK I am able to recognize that my thoughts, feelings and pereceptions are not normal, but it just lasts a while. My insight seems to fluctuate between acting as the perception is real (even if it means to challenge what it shows me) and doubting it is (and ignore it).

-->I feel the day hospital staff think I shouldn't be there because I actually am OK, they think I am a fraud. Right now I am not sure if they truly think I shouldn't be there, but I am almost sure they will think I am a fraud or I am lying. I know this thoughts is considered anormal by most of people, but it could be because they haven't seen people duplicated. I hate when people duplicate and the duplicated alter is evil. It's like a shadow of them.
--> I feel there is something there that wants to kill me and hurt me (maybe a shadow?)
--> The death talk to me and try to convince me to kill myself, but I challenge it since I have a dog and live with two friends I won't leave alone.
--> I feel I am a failure and try hard to avoid other people to notice it.
--> I am having intrusive thoughts.
--> My brain feel foggy and sometimes it's hard to read.
--> Something was wrong with my veins and I needed to extract them but I didn't want to hurt myself.
---> If I think in my mothertongue I feel someone can hear my thoughts (I don't know who), I am forced to think in english (It's not a big deal, but my psychiatrist doesn't speak english)
--> There are things screaming inside my head.
--> There are things insulting me from my own head.
--> I am forcing myself to eat, go to college, have a shower everyday, and play some videogames. I don't enjoy it, but I have to do it to avoid getting worse.

I feel something is deeply wrong, I am afraid I will lose this whole year due to these things happening again.

But my psychiatrist won't believe me! I look normal, I always try to look normal, to do not act on what I think, feel or perceive when there are other people around. I know something bad would happen if I did and I have to hide it. I have no family (I was born in a dysfunctional one and left when I turned 18).

I need some help

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

This is a dilemma I've always had. Everyone around me (including the professionals) seems to perceive me as being completely normal. So, on the one hand, I never got any real help. And on the other if I did anything or said anything atypical, I was met with judgement & disapproval for just being "difficult".

It has occurred to me a few times that if I ran down the street naked & screaming, perhaps I'd get some real help... but then maybe not too. However, since I'm not about to do that, I'm just not going to get anything in the way of real mental health treatment. Consequently, I've just left the whole mental health system behind & decided people just have to put up with me the way I am.

I wish I knew what to suggest to you that would help... maybe try seeing a different pdoc if that's a possibility for you? I do hope that, in some way, you are able to find the treatment you need & deserve. Perhaps other members will have some useful suggestions.

I am going to write a letter to my pdoc telling him these stuff.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Hi Oliver. I think writing a letter to your pdoc is a great idea, and one that you came up with by yourself! Could you possibly be projecting a little bit when you say others think you are a fraud? Do you maybe think you are a fraud? I have had times when I am sure that others will think I am a hypochondriac when there was something really wrong with me and so I didn't seek care. I was feeling like I did not deserve care. What a typical depression thought. You are very wise to continue to get help. The Americans with Disabilities Act may help you get accommodations at college to help you get through.

One thing I like to say...."normal" is a dirty word.

I should be doing OK, be productive, instead of what I am doing right now. I could do a lot if I weren't this stupid.

(I don't live in America, I live in Spain; I am italian)

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Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, OliverB I agree with Monticello that writing a letter to your Pdoc is a great idea! Please seek professional help. It's clear that you're struggling a lot right now. Just remember that you're NOT stupid nor worthless. You're a wonderful person who's trying his best to survive and get help. There's absolutely nothing wrong in taking care of yourself first. After all, how can you focus on your studies if you're not feeling well? Please don't feel guilty about it. It's not your fault if you're feeling like this. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. Remember that you're a valuable person. I hope you'll feel better soon. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say and won't judge you. Keep writing here if it helps. I'm here for you as well if you need it. I'm Italian as well, BTW! Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Oliver, writing a letter to the psychiatrist is a great idea. Can you translate everything you wrote here into Spanish and give it to him? If I read that as a psychiatrist, I would know that you really need help.

I hope it works out for you. Sorry you're struggling so much.

Thank you really much


I know what I experience is considered abnormal, doesn't it mean I am a fraud?

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I am feeling better.

I am not sure my psychiatrist believes me. He was nice, I saw him on monday for 5 minutes. I don't know what to think.

My head is insulting me.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Can you write down verbatim what you wrote in your first post and see that he gets it in letter form so he can read and digest some of your thoughts? Five minutes was not enough time to get across to him the things you are thinking. You are not a fraud. You need help. If he doesn’t believe you, please find another psychiatrist who will take you seriously. I’m sorry you are struggling this way and hope you get the help you need. Sending big hugs that you feel better soon.

Last monday I gave him a letter, It is almost a translation of my first post.

I forgot to say it.

I am sorry

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

Please don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. You did your part and reached out for help. He fell down on his responsibility. Bless your heart...it must be frustrating when you are asking for help and no one will take you seriously. The next time you see him can you ask him if he read the letter? Good luck and warm wishes.

I'm so sorry your psychiatrist doesn't believe you Are you sure of that or is it just an impression you've had? I agree with Jennifer 1967. Ask him if he has read what you wrote. I'm glad you're feeling better! What has helped you? Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Thank you

Taking a higher dosage of the AD has helped me......

I am not sure about what he thinks.....................

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-