Should i just title this Apathy? Who cares...

Looking at some of my issues that i never, or rarely, discuss with others i thought here may be an easier place to finally express them and see how others deal with such things, or if I'm the only one (probably not, but part of me always thinks so haha).

Catches, i am disabled. Also due to a past experience i am no fan of medications (aaand i already take about 10-13 different meds a day for things unrelated mental issues).

Apathy. Man, what a difficult thing to figure out how to deal with. If something makes you not care, how do you care enough to do something about it?


Battling that blanket. Wait, what? Here's the difficult thing about my depression/apathy... in some ways it doesn't feel like it's part of me. Rather it feels external and acting on me.

How this works is one of two ways... 1) i don't feel ways most others feel, but wish i did. Like working. A good work ethic is a solid thing, i know that. But i don't care. I don't want to work. This goes so far that it can actually disrupt my personal interests and ability to enjoy them because it may require some effort (work). But i wish i did want to work.

2) It's like I'm laying on my back and a blanket is thrown over me and stapled to the floor, and no matter how i feel under that blanket i can't ever function beyond it. Under that blanket is someone that wants to do things, live, experience life... but this material holds me back and refuses to allow me to no matter how much i push against it.

So i suffer both with not caring about some things, and also caring for some things but not able to act on them. I'm not only bothered by those two things, but bothered that i'm not more consistent in my apathy haha.



Well, when i started to write this thread i had 3-4 things i wanted to get into, but as usual i put too much thought into what i've already written i've burned myself out and forgotten what else i was going to say anyways. Maybe that's for the best. Sometimes getting gung ho backfires because when you come back to it later you can't handle all you started haha.


Also, i'm not so great at asking for help. I'm 'supposed' to be the 'counselor', not the 'patient'. Nor am i to burden others with my problems until i've spent hours, spread out over days or weeks or months, helping them first.

... i'm wearing myself out here haha. And overthinking and questioning if i need to rewrite it all better, shorter. Ugh.


So I'd be curious how people here have dealt with apathy (or seen others) and if anyone else has either or both of the two types i mentioned. Without using medication, limited physical capabilities and, well, no outside help.

To any who stuck around to finish thanks for reading

I can never be all that you want from me
And I am broken, I will fail you constantly

I stuck around and read it all

I know all about apathy but my depression and apathy seem to come from within. They are my own personal doom and gloom that follow me everywhere because I can't escape me. Meds barely make a dent in it. Talking about it doesn't do much for me. I've tried therapy of all kinds.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom to impart but that is beyond me.

Haunted Rain, my friend, may I call you my friend?.. I read your words and I feel like I am you in another dimension, I am as we speak under a blanket and without appetite for fun things, I read or watch movies to at least keep my mind to a minimum functioning pace, and still wonder the point of my life.

I cannot give you the advice you need, because that has to come from inside you, I wish we could change a spark plug in your gut and may be that starts the engine again, and I would like to believe that is possible , but man... I have gone through so much... sometimes I laugh alone like the darkest humor , what else can you pitch me ? A bowling ball? Talking to god.
I want to scream the F word so many times and go out with a baseball bat and start hitting cars get arrested and see if that wakes me up, but that is just silly talk I am sorry, my point being is looking for that new spark in the darkness is difficult.

But mate I am sending you my best wishes you find something that sparks your volition. I will keep looking too and if I find something I will let you know.

Love and a big polar bear hug!

Yup, I'm pretty certain depression itself can be responsible for inhibited inspiration and lack of motivation, Haunted Rain . Yes, the apathy. Depression.

When I go into a deep depression, I feel apathy. I do not care about getting things done, I don't want to do anything, I just feel flat and dull inside.

The way my wife always tells if it is serious is when she asks me about the future and I reply that I can not see it.

You are not alone in these feelings.

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Haunted Rain It must be very hard for you. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You're definitely not alone on this, as this thread has already shown. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your apathy, if you haven't already. I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you. Just try to engage in as many activites as possible. I know it's hard when you have apathy, but give it a try if you can. Perhaps you could discover some new hobbies. Try to keep an healthy lifestyle. Eat well, try to sleep, ecc. I'm so sorry you don't have a support system IRL. Remember that we're here for you fi you need it. Feel free to vent here as much as you want. We'll listen to what you have to say. We care about you. Keep writing here if it helps. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. I'm here for you as well if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Hi Haunted Rain,

I deal with apathy too when I am depressed. It's a very common symptom of depression. Honestly, the only thing that helps me are meds. With them, I can be happy. Without them, I am miserable.

Is there a reason you are hesitant to try medication? It is not for everyone, but it has been a lifesaver for me.

Hi Haunted Rain,
I’m also not personally a fan of medications (a few reasons, including severe allergies)

I do struggle with depression, anxiety and apathy.

I think several of us here relate at least somewhat to what you wrote, and thank you for sharing!

I’m also pretty sure that the depression can be responsible for lack of motivation and inhibited inspiration.

(If only meds were the magic fix all for everyone.. life would be much easier, but it wouldn’t be life )

Hello & Welcome, Haunted Rain.

I minimally manage apathy by
surfing rare, brief waves of focus and energy when they present themselves,
trying to maintain a daily routine,
not wasting mental energy on trying to be efficient when I do find myself engaged in an activity.

???

First off thanks to all who responded. Even if you had nothing to offer other than that you can relate. Hopefully you'll have read a response here that helps, or just feel a little better having one more person to relate to.



I get that notion that maybe something drastic will 'wake you up'. About 10 years ago i was informed (in my early 30s) that i would need a kidney transplant. Once i left i had wondered if this situation would have some profound effect on me, as you often hear about. But it really seemed to change nothing.

I believe that the only good that comes from nothing happening is it helps to validate that we do have a real problem. Even when life smacks us, it's not enough. So, for me, that helps. Anytime i learn something that supports who i am, or about my depression, to make it more valid, it's a good thing.

Hopefully you find find something that aids you.

Also, polar bears are my favorite animal.




I suppose, in retrospect, i made a mistake in what i said. Spoke too soon, perhaps. I do feel the internal apathy as well. It's, for me, on two fronts. external in some ways, and internal in other areas. Such as the 'not wanting to work' portion is internal apathy.

Yes, we can't escape ourselves, something i definitely relate to. So many times in my life i wished i could, or at least change so drastically who i am now virtually disappears and i become someone else. That would work too.

Looking enviously at others whose minds don't drag them down.
This is often how i felt when watching Dwight on The Office (i know many here are not from the US, so may not get the reference). Wishing to have that lack of self awareness.

Raindrop vampire? Maybe you're the one haunting my rain?





I currently do not see anyone. I lost my disability pay in 2014, i believe. And that also took away my insurance. I was only just recently approved for disability again. I was seeing a counselor before i lost everything and hope to be able to go back in the next few months once everything is rolling.

As far as eating, i don't shop, so i don't get to pick out food. Nor do i cook (which i hate doing anyways haha). I'm also a picky eater and while i think about eating healthy i am at a major disadvantage in a few areas in trying to start. And i have plenty of time to pursue hobbies, but the depression limits my capacity to find things and my apathy prevents me from doing things i already want to do.

I basically live in my bedroom 24/7. So certainly plenty of time, and it frustrates me to feel like i'm wasting so much time doing nothing of value because apathy prevents it.

Thank you for all the sympathy, encouragement and offers. I think, for now at least, being in an environment where others can relate, where speaking up won't make me feel like a burden and still be able to help others will be good for me. And hopefully learn some new things along the way.





I was always reluctant to try meds. A few years back i was in a relationship that ended and felt like my depression had too much of an effect on me in terms of relationships. So i finally gave in and started taking meds. Shortly after i went on an unexpected trip out of state and i was assured that i would be able to get a refill there. The person responsible for helping me with that simply didn't help. So after only one month of being on them i was forced to stop taking them.

I was on the smallest dose and only took them for a month but i still had a permanent change take place coming off them. Since then the idea of going back on them has freaked me out. I feel a bit incomplete now that some part of me is gone, thanks to medication.

It was hard to judge if they were doing anything at all, even at the end of the month, so i can't even say, with any certainty, that they were helping.





haha... being efficient is a default for me. I enjoy it, both as a byproduct of depression and just in knowing i have worked smart. I think being inefficient would be worse for me.

But that's the fun part of people. Different needs. Different motivations. What hinders one helps another.






Well, this thread has already made things here interesting. Feeling support by people who understand, not just sympathize from the outside, makes a surprising difference.

But seeing, even just in this thread, those that seem to be having a harder time than i am is quite the bummer.


It does always amaze me, though, seeing the broad range in which people are affected. And the affect it has on people. Some seem to shut down more. Others seem to have positive qualities enhanced (though i suspect they could never see that).

But remember, if you chose to respond here then you are still in touch, still alive and still able to care enough to say something, and that's a good sign. And it shows you have more fight than you likely realize, and feel deeper than you can see. Be proud of that.


Thanks again to all who answered (and if anyone else wants to add more, feel free).

I can never be all that you want from me
And I am broken, I will fail you constantly

Good way to put it... I feel similarly and wish there were some way to rip through this blanket and free myself. Sometimes it's even like being mummified alive, complete with panic attacks and unspecified pain all over.

Thank you.
And, yes, mummified alive is another good way to say it.

As you 'said' that i naturally had that image in my head and you mentioning panic attacks. As i think about it, it actually makes perfect sense. Much how being wrapped up like that would cause such anxiety and panic, perhaps being emotionally bound is a major trigger to anxiety.

Maybe that's nothing new... i don't know. I've never heard it and it just came to me as a new idea. It's definitely something I'll think on some more (not too much or i may get anxiety ).

Thank you for opening a new potential insight, T4bby.

I can never be all that you want from me
And I am broken, I will fail you constantly