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Old 02-15-2019, 03:26 PM #11
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(((((((( So leigheas )))))))))
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Old 02-16-2019, 12:01 AM #12
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Why has your mom left, So? Has she perhaps gone to work? Or for some other reason?
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Old 02-16-2019, 01:51 AM #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by S leigheas View Post
I'm gonna be home alone tonight. First time in a while. Not gonna lie everyone, I'm scared. My depression feeds off loneliness and unpredictable nights. I've already started crying again, I'm sure I'll be doing a lot of that tonight. I'm sick, so I'll probably drown myself in cough syrup and pass out.

Things will be okay. They have to be. I have to be.
Believe me or not,even when I'm surrounded by my family n friends,I still think the worst of me n I'm still lonely.I keep thinking why am I here,I am such a burden.
They would never understand the pain,the torture.
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Old 02-16-2019, 07:56 AM #14
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Originally Posted by Mopey View Post
Why has your mom left, So? Has she perhaps gone to work? Or for some other reason?
She doesn't live with me. She was just visiting.
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Old 02-16-2019, 08:14 AM #15
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How are you doing today, S leigheas? I hope you're doing a bit better. Please don't give up. Try to hang on. Try to find some distractions if you can. Anything that could help you get through the day. I'm here for you as well if you need it. You know I'm always here for you if you need to talk. You know I won't judge you. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Stay strong, my friend. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this
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Old 02-16-2019, 11:24 AM #16
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Originally Posted by S leigheas View Post
I used to love my alone time because it gave me peace. Now it just hurts.
Any thoughts on the change?
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Old 02-16-2019, 12:40 PM #17
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Today is alright, but I'm also not alone. My MI doesn't disappear at the presence of others, I just can distract myself ever so slightly.

My thoughts on the change... well I guess I've changed a lot over the years. Before, I was in a pretty one-sided relationship and being alone was how I felt constantly anyway. I still feel like I'm separated from everyone, even when they're close. At the same time, I don't feel unloved for the first time in maybe my entire life. I have this best friend I live with and she makes things easier, or at least makes me feel like it's okay to not be okay. When I'm alone, it's not okay. When I'm around almost anyone else, it's not okay. But she makes me feel like I'm not a freak show. Maybe that's stupid because I know I am.

I think what's happened is I actually connected with someone and now I feel empty when it's not present. Does that make sense?
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Old 02-16-2019, 10:49 PM #18
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I think its wonderful you have found someone you are comfortable with and who supports you. And personally I think its quite natural to miss them then when they are gone. But hopefully they will be back.

Just wondering, if you were to pay attention to the thoughts you start to have when your loved one is not there, is there any thought in particular you could identify?
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Old 02-16-2019, 11:01 PM #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mopey View Post
I think its wonderful you have found someone you are comfortable with and who supports you. And personally I think its quite natural to miss them then when they are gone. But hopefully they will be back.

Just wondering, if you were to pay attention to the thoughts you start to have when your loved one is not there, is there any thought in particular you could identify?
Now I have to be with myself. And now my mind can have me.
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Old 02-16-2019, 11:29 PM #20
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Yes, I think I know what you mean. I struggle with similar demons. Do you know what yours are?

And I think you probably have noticed on this forum that many others fear their own dark sides as well. A thread Ive seen recently refers to my snake or my inner snake. Posters have discussed various ways of dealing with this inner implacable enemy.

One classic technique which I am currently trying is simply to allow it to speak. Be aware of what it is saying and make note of it, but neither fight with it nor engage with it. There is a deeper part of you that will be able to do this without words, just awareness, which over time may lessen the power of these frightening thoughts over you. 🌹
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