I don't know where to find help (SUI TRIGGER)

I am getting more and more depressed and seriously thinking about SUI, I won't do it, I am safe right now but I am feeling really hopeless.

My former psychiatrist wanted me to attend a day hospital, it's activities, see the psychologist and the psychiatrist that work there. My former psychiatrist helped me a lot.

Currently I "attend" a day hospital. I could never became integrated into the hospital activities. The staff didn't help. They didn't try really much to help me feel comfortable, actually, when I almost felt comfortable in the "good morning group" (we talked about what we did the last day and read the newspaper), the psych nurse would often complain about me "making things too complicated" (bring up complex subjects/ideas). None of the other patients ever complained to me, actually some of them thanked me or feel positive about themselves when they found out I was attending college despite of my MI. I stopped trying to participate in any activity. I was never allowed to join group therapy or music group therapy (I think these two are the only ones that would have really helped me, since the other activities were manly focused on people with cognitive issues).

About the psychologist:
Initially I didn't want to see her since I didn't feel comfortable and wanted to wait. Months after I asked to see her. I didn't get any answer.

About my psychiatrist:
I used to hide my dark thoughts/feelings and pretend I was doing more or less Ok. I minimized them.

Last time I saw my psychiatrist and therapist was last Friday. He got extremelly frustrated with me and ended up being rude. He said I am having a depressive episode and trying to be somewhat compassionate (He said it won't last forever and I have all the time in the world, if I cannot do 10 then It's enough if I do just 3, ...), but he got angry at me when I didn't understand a question he made me. Anger from frustration. Maybe frustration because I didn't trust him enough to talk to him before getting ill to this point? He said he is not the best match for me, but he still seems to care a lot about me. He said he made a lot of mistakes.
I told him I would rather die than being IP again (I was retraumatized, ended up worse. There is only a hospital in my area). He said if I was about to kill myself, he will be forced to IP me, any doctor would be obligated to do it. So I said I would have to lie in order to avoid IP if I were about to kill myself. He got really annoyed when I said that.
He said in a rude way we have been talking too much time (1h and half, he said he had more time than usual when I entered the room), I got up from the chair, said "bye" and he said "See you never".

After I left the nurse was supposed to call another place to get me an appointment. I caller her yesterday. She didn't do it. She told me she would do it tomorrow (today) and call me (she hadn't done it yet, and the place closes in an hour).

I don't rememeber how many times I have asked my psychiatrist for a referral. He always says that in regular outpatient clinics I would see a psychiatrist less than once a month (probably once 2-3 months) and I need more intensive treatment. A month and half ago I got serious and asked him to definitely refer me somwhere else. He hasn't done it yet. I think he doesn't want to do it.

I think he might want to help me but he cannot and he may think I cannot be helped somwhere else.

I am desperate.

I feel I am a lost cause.

I am trying hard to fight depression and CPTSD but there is no help outside.

Crazy, inside and aside

"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, OliverB It's truly heartbreaking. You don't deserve to be treated this way. It's even harder when this happens from the people that should be helping us. I'm so sorry. It must be very painful for you. Please don't give up. I'd suggest to insist as much as you can about getting referred to another psychiatrist. Keep asking it, even every day if it's necessary. It is your right to do that, after all. If you're still not getting an answer, can you look up for another psychiatrist by yourself? Even if you've had to see your new psychiatrist once every 2-3 months, that'd still be better than getting no help at all. And if it doesn't work out, you can ask them to refer you to someone else, perhaps. Anything that may help you get through this. Do you have a support system IRL? Any friends or family members that you can reach out to? We're here for you if you need to talk about it. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You don't deserve it at all. You're a kind, supportive, thoughtful, wise and wonderful person. You deserve to be happy and to feel good. I'm so sorry you're not getting the help you need and deserve. I hope you'll be able to find someone that will be able to help you. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Remember that you're stronger than you think. You've got this. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Stay strong, OliverB. Remember that it's NOT your fault. You're NOT a lost cause and you're NOT worthless. You're a wonderful person who's struggling right now. Keep fighting. I'm sure you'll win. I know you'll win. You just need a little help, that's all. Be careful, OliverB. Stay safe and take care of yourself. If things get bad, call an hotline or go to an hospital. I know you've had bad experiences with IP so far, but please don't give up. Your safety must be the priority. I hope you'll feel better soon. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Quote:

Originally Posted by OliverB They didn't try really much to help me feel comfortable, actually, when I almost felt comfortable in the "good morning group" (we talked about what we did the last day and read the newspaper), the psych nurse would often complain about me "making things too complicated" (bring up complex subjects/ideas).

Did you say anything back to her, like what was the issue with you bringing it up? Maybe they would have told you it was suitable for another group.

Quote:

I stopped trying to participate in any activity. I was never allowed to join group therapy or music group therapy (I think these two are the only ones that would have really helped me, since the other activities were manly focused on people with cognitive issues).

Why were you not allowed? What was the reason you were given?

Quote:

Last time I saw my psychiatrist and therapist was last Friday. He got extremelly frustrated with me and ended up being rude. He said I am having a depressive episode and trying to be somewhat compassionate (He said it won't last forever and I have all the time in the world, if I cannot do 10 then It's enough if I do just 3, ...),

I do not understand the 'do 10 or 3' can you explain? And what did he say that was rude?

Quote:

but he got angry at me when I didn't understand a question he made me. Anger from frustration. Maybe frustration because I didn't trust him enough to talk to him before getting ill to this point? He said he is not the best match for me, but he still seems to care a lot about me. He said he made a lot of mistakes.

What did he say when he was angry?

Quote:

He said in a rude way we have been talking too much time (1h and half, he said he had more time than usual when I entered the room), I got up from the chair, said "bye" and he said "See you never".

I will admit that 1.5 hours is a lot of time but that is no reason to say such a thing. What a jerk!