The worst moment... (thanks PC)

I cant relax even at my parents'.
i keep thinking i need to do it (sui) soon. but i dont know if i'll have the courage. i could "help it" with the meds, but still…
i have a plan, it just seems so unreal when i truly think about it.
on the other hand, when i think about living, truly living in the next months, i feel so overwhelmed and sui seems so much easier.
i have T on wed. but what can she really do?
i also see my good T on thursday. will it be a goodbye session?
i cant see myself working tomorrow, living through the day…
i only want to curl up on the floor of one of the two Ts and not leave.
i cant see myself at the clinic again.
i dont know what to do. i feel so unsafe. i just want to close my eyes and let myself (or life) go.

Please stay with us.. deep breath... deep breath.. please.. ..

Your situation is not hopeless, Sinking. It may seem that way, but it isn’t.

Any chance you could put in an emergency call to your therapist?

i played with the sui plan today, then contacted my T. i was shaking and almost crying.
i cant see a reason to hold on except for my parents.
but here, im alone here. alone with this life that i dont want.
i cant see myself going on like this for long. im so sick and tired of my life.

It's good you contacted your therapist. Have you heard back?

yes, we exchanged a few texts during lunch break. i dont think she got how bad i was feeling though. its still bad and lonely but not as bad as some hours ago.

it is all part of the plan, so why am i surprised its going down in that direction? i should be prepared, but i guess you can never be prepared enough.

Thank you for talking with me Mopey.

Anything to keep you alive. By the way, what do you mean by "the plan", dear Sinking?

I'm going out for the afternoon in a moment, but I wanted to add to my post above that you might consider whether you made it very clear to your therapist exactly how despondent you really were feeling. After all, she can only react to what you're putting across and a lot of the time we - and I include myself here - quite naturally pull back on just how desperate we are when communicating with someone else, even a therapist.

(((((HUGS:group hug:HUGS)))))

https://www.healthyplace.com/sites/d...%20%283%29.jpg

Today is better than yesterday.

i accidentally drank some detergent and i got scared. i want to die on my own terms, not casually and for mistake.

I've accidentally drank detergent as well sinking. I thought it was orange juice :/

You wont need to die, sinking, believe me. It's going to be okay, you'll see.

(((Sending Hugs!!)))

What i really dont want is dying alone. i realized it today. i dont want to die in a place where im alone and where i dont know when they'll find me. i want to die in a place where i'll be alone but still surrounded by people. like a public wc? i know this may sound crazy...

Please don't die at all, dear Sinking. There really is much to live for.

I'm so sorry, sinking, I didn't see this thread earlier I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. How are you doing? I hope things are going a bit better. I hope your appointment with your T will go well. I'm glad you have one. Please share all the doubts you have to him/her. He/she's there to help you after all. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Life is worth living. I'm sure there's at least a part of you that wants to live and to get better. After all, you're still reaching out for help. And that's awesome! Try to hang on to that part of you as much as you can. You're a wonderful person. We all love you here as this thread has already shown you. We all care about you here. I certainly care about you. You've helped me with your sweet posts and messages. I'm sure you're helping out many other people with your posts as well. I'm sure many other people here on PC can relate to what you wrote here, and they can feel less alone. You're actually doing a lot of good just by venting here. Keep doing that! Keep writing here if it helps. I hope we're able to help you a bit. You don't deserve to suffer like this, sinking. You deserve to get better and to live an happy life just like everyone else does. You deserve that because you're a wonderful person and because you exist. But to do that you need to be alive first. Please remember that. I'd suggest to make a safety plan with your therapist. I feel ike that could really help you. That way you'd be in less danger. If things get bad, please do consider going to the hospital. I know it's hard. But your safety must be the priority. And there's nothing to be ashamed of. Are there any hotlines you can call if things get bad? I'd suggest to try that as well. You're a wonderful person. Stay strong, sinking. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, my friend

Thank you for your continuous support. i said PC is helping a lot.

Im at my parents for the night. its so much better here, i almost cant remember how bad i was feeling a few hours ago. or a few days ago.

i saw T today but it didnt help much. she listened, but at the end of the session she rushed me out of the door. im not sure she got how bad i was feeling.

tomorrow im seeing ex T. i know he will calm me down and i'll feel better for a few hours at least.

today i also found out im going to keep receiving the invalidity pension for a few years. it gives me enough to be able to work only part time if i want it.

Thank you all for your support. its helping a lot.

When I was sinking my friend gave me an advice.. When one door shuts down at least one window opens. I am glad that you solved some issues and with part time work you will be able to manage you symptoms and treatment .

Keep going my friend.. you are important to us..

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, sinking! Keep fighting. You're a wonderful person. I'm so sorry things are being so hard for you. You don't deserve to suffer like this. I'm sos orry your T is not being too helpful to you. Is there any way you can go back to your old T? Either way, I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. You don't deserve to suffer like this. You deserve to get better. You're a wonderful person. Stay strong, sinking. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Keep writing here if it helps. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

I've seen my exT today. it didnt help much (nothing does) but i was happy to se him. he said he is proud of me for what i have achieved in these years. i said im not proud and i dont feel good about myself. that whatever i have achieved is for a facade and getting a real job and a flat changed nothing about how i feel about myself, but i was happy to hear that from him and to hear he thinks of me often. he also said to call/text him if i need it.

anyway, what really helps is PC (again, thank you! ). its always here when i need it. when i come back from work…

on the other hand, i count the seconds (literally) at work.its hard to work so much when you dont like your job.

im glad the week is almost over, even if i have a work-related course on saturday this week. but only 1 day at work for this week. i can do it. 1 day at work. i hope saturday goes by without much effort…

white noise is helping a lot too.