The worst moment... (thanks PC)

How are you generating the white noise, sinking? I know one of the posters above suggested it and I was intrigued since I hate loud, obnoxious noises. I figure if it helps you, maybe it can help me!

Hang in there. We're with you.

Hi sinking.
I hope you are feeling better now. I can relate to a lot of what you write. I’m happy that it helps you to write here. I think it helps too to learn of people similar to you.
I hope the weekend will be good for you. Hope you feel better

I use white noise at times. It helps me a lot. Though I would prefer to sleep in a place where I wouldn't have to use it. The sound is alright, but it's great for drowning out the noise. The walls and floors/ceilings seem to be very thin at where I live. I can hear just about everything from downstairs from me. Some nights, not much, they would be talking in the middle of the night. They don't have a life. Don't work and don't go anywhere.

I can very much relate to having noisy neighbors and it's not much fun. With that and other rude neighbors that I have, it sends me into a depression. I'm working on moving out.

For now im using YouTube for the white noise. i listen to it when i get home from work (even on lunch break because its so relaxing) and stay on pc. i turn it off when i go to bed. i'd like to keep it turned on though. maybe i'll download the sound and find a way to listen to it without my pc staying open.

Yesterday's break from work (to see exT) helped a lot too. im more relaxed and can better put up with daily routine.

Tonight coming back home from work i stopped by and got myself a pizza. its a reward for getting at the end of the week. i still have the course to attend to tomorrow, but its not work.

for the first time im content with what i have. at the beginning of the week, i never thought i would have felt like this about my home especially, but about my "life" too. i thought it would have taken me months to feel like this. only 1 week. i cant believe it. and i guess my exT helped a lot. hearing him being proud of me did more than i thought. and i finally realized that i needed this. coming back home at night after work and not having to pretend with anyone. not having to talk or listen to anyone. not having someone waiting for me or having someone sleeping with me. i couldnt bear that. im so happy i got myself a pizza tonight!

and PC has helped me more than i can say
thank you everyone for talking with me or just reading me...

We are here because we understand and we have each other...

Today i attended the course. it was really nice and wasnt heavy at all. i already knew the teacher, since i met him 4 years ago while trying to find a job. it brought up good memories. some were sad though, and hard to face. i kind of miss that period of my life. some people. and i miss what happened in between. back then, there was more freedom. on one hand i had more failure feelings and thoughts, but on the other hand i had less responsibilities.

The course was about learning to get your feelings out and learning to see your faults/weaknesses as resources instead.
it was about disability too. i have just been (re)evaluated as 80% (psychologically) disable. i feel closer to disabled people than normal people. the course and the teacher made me feel ok, acceptable, accepted, appreciated and with added value. maybe even more worthy of being alive.

The teacher showed INTEREST in what i had to say. which was little, but he made me feel INTERESTING. i love feeling that way!

he has founded a social association that helps physically handicapped / mental retarded people (mostly young adults) becoming independent from their parents by living together in a flat away from home. what i love about it is that the teacher follows closely his members and shows interest in really ANYTHING they do or say. i'd love to be followed like that too. when i met him, i was trying to get a job as his "colleague", while even back then, i knew i would have loved being one of his disabled young adults. not because i liked them/their lives but because i loved how closely they were followed and cared for.

today he has brought up a lot of memories, thoughts and feelings. i like being interested in something/someone like i felt today. i usually dont care much about anything or anyone. it was good having him get my attention. usually, i have my daily routine (still building it in with my job and my new home) and i care very little about anything or anyone. there are few things or people that intellectually stimulate me. most of the times, not even my T. and i find it very fulfilling when it does happen.

now, im back at my parents' for the weekend. its good and i dont feel like being with them is 100% good and living alone is 100% bad anymore. i cant believe i have changed my feelings and thoughts so much since i started this thread.
just sharing my (positive) thoughts and feelings about today…

and thanks to everyone here

You rock, sinking! I have much to learn from you. Thank you so much for sharing all of this. You're a very inspiring person. I'm sure your story will help and inspire many other people, especially here on PC. Thank you so much for being here for all of us! You're a wonderful person. Sending many hugs to you

Thank you Mickey.

i spent today at my parents'. it was ok. i spent most part of the day in bed watching my favorite tv series. it may seem depressing but i really love watching tv series. i dont really have a life, so i live through the characters.

im NOT ready to go back to work tomorrow morning but what can i do?

at least i've decided what im going to eat and buy at the gorcery store. i dont like cooking but i like eating what i want and when i want it. thats the positive of living alone. its also true that i eat alone and i dont like it much but everything has pros and cons, right?

Love to everyone

Keep on keepin’ on, Sinking. The situation you described with the leader you felt cared about you sounds very good. Many hugs and good wishes.... ❤️