Depressed partner and motivation

I realized this could, and maybe should, go into the "Relationships & Communication" subforum. However, I'm hoping to keep it here since I usually post there and would like some feedback from the folks who frequent this subforum.

Anyway, lately (and actually for the past couple years, but that's another story), my partner has been very un-motivated. I've been the breadwinner for over a year now, although we don't have a ton of bills or debt, it's still hard on me. He's living with me in housing (for work, not school) although I'm technically not supposed to have him there, so there's one stressor for me (I can get paranoid about getting in trouble, especially since this is a really important job for me). On top of that, he hasn't had a job for over a year, and although he's been going to school, he's only been applying to leads that I forward to him. I don't mind helping, but I told him recently that I wish he'd apply to way more on his own time because it's stressful for me to pay for pretty much everything.

He's been diagnosed depressed and I've been very understanding: I have anxiety and PMS-induced depression. We took a break last year because I couldn't deal with his lack of motivation, but he promised to change and we got back together. His motivation is usually so low he doesn't plan trips or dates for us, and he literally told me one day that he doesn't have the motivation to leave the house, so if I want to go somewhere I should suggest it to him.

I post this not to shame depression, but to understand it more. I know when I'm PMSing, sometimes I can hardly get out of bed. I can't focus at work, I don't feel like cooking for myself, and all I can do is watch TV. It feels like there's a pit in my chest. It seems that's how my partner is every day.

How much does depression affect your motivation? Do I have the right to feel resentment towards him when he doesn't apply to more jobs or clean the house? I've been getting better about communicating my needs to him, and I never make him feel bad for being depressed, absolutely not.

I guess I'm looking for also looking for advice as to how he can get more motivated. I think the side effects and withdrawal symptoms of meds make us both leery of them. He was going to therapy but stopped because he doesn't have the money. It's a bit of an impasse, but at the same time, it shouldn't be.

Thanks for listening. This is my first time posting in this subforum so I hoped I conveyed what I needed to say in a sensitive, cautious matter. Psychforums has been very helpful for me so far!

Hi there! I am sorry to hear you and your partner are struggling. I absolutely get where you are coming from. I am diagnosed with major depression myself, and it can be a challenge. Without knowing him personally, it's hard to say if he's in one of the two following categories:

1. He is in a very tough spot and is not able to function (but because he seems to be going to school successfully, this does not seem to be the case)

2. He is depressed but able to function to a degree, but is not willing to put in the effort to do the things that would actually improve his depression (apply for jobs, exercise, help out around the house, etc). Unfortunately the things that are best for us to do while depressed can also feel like the toughest. And sometimes (I've done this before) people will use their diagnosis as a crutch for why they cannot do something.

I had a partner for 3 years who I supported while he stayed at home, drank alcohol and struggled with depression and anger issues. He rarely looked for jobs unless I pushed and could not keep employment. After a while I decided that enough was enough; regardless of his very legitimate struggles, this was not a healthy relationship for me and I broke it off.

You'll need to decide what you are willing to handle with this relationship. Depression is very serious indeed. But if he is waiting for motivation to come to him, he will be waiting for a long time. When depressed, we have to take small steps to accomplish small tasks and as a result create our own motivation. It sounds like he is unwilling to make these small steps at the moment.

Medication and keeping a routine are two things that have helped me tremendously. If he has not seen a psychiatrist or therapist yet, I would encourage him to do so. Wishing you both the best.

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Originally Posted by aimlesshiker Anyway, lately (and actually for the past couple years, but that's another story), my partner has been very un-motivated. I've been the breadwinner for over a year now, although we don't have a ton of bills or debt, it's still hard on me. He's living with me in housing (for work, not school) although I'm technically not supposed to have him there, so there's one stressor for me (I can get paranoid about getting in trouble, especially since this is a really important job for me). On top of that, he hasn't had a job for over a year, and although he's been going to school, he's only been applying to leads that I forward to him. I don't mind helping, but I told him recently that I wish he'd apply to way more on his own time because it's stressful for me to pay for pretty much everything.

That is a lot on your shoulders and I do not feel that it is fair. You are allowed to feel the way you do. Depression or not he is letting you shoulder all the weight. What would happen if you stopped taking care of him?

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He's been diagnosed depressed and I've been very understanding: I have anxiety and PMS-induced depression. We took a break last year because I couldn't deal with his lack of motivation, but he promised to change and we got back together. His motivation is usually so low he doesn't plan trips or dates for us, and he literally told me one day that he doesn't have the motivation to leave the house, so if I want to go somewhere I should suggest it to him.

That is very telling, In a way he is calling your bluff. You share what you are feeling and responsibilities and he basically tells you to deal with it or end the relationship. I do not believe that is fair to say to you and depressed or not he should be contributing to the relationship.

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How much does depression affect your motivation? Do I have the right to feel resentment towards him when he doesn't apply to more jobs or clean the house? I've been getting better about communicating my needs to him, and I never make him feel bad for being depressed, absolutely not.

Its not about having the right to feel resentment its about having needs that are not met. The thing is...with resentment, its like poison for your soul and gets in the way of everything. You have to make your needs known and state what your expectations are specifically. Have a sit down with him and tell he what you want, need and expect. Then if he blows you off and doesn't like what you have said, you will know you set a boundary and you will be able to recognize when that boundary is crossed. Resentments usually only happen when someone is not meeting our expectations or needs which is why it is so important to have that conversation with him. He needs natural consequences in order to change. I dont mean that as in he needs punishments or reprimanding; but he needs to know what will happen if he continues on this path. I am guessing you wont kick him out so what other things can you do to get through to him? Do you pay for his phone? Maybe you should stop doing that. Do you have cable tv? Maybe cut that and save money in order for you to not worry about your financial needs. My point is you need to state your needs, state how those needs can be met and state what will happen if they are not met.

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I guess I'm looking for also looking for advice as to how he can get more motivated. I think the side effects and withdrawal symptoms of meds make us both leery of them. He was going to therapy but stopped because he doesn't have the money. It's a bit of an impasse, but at the same time, it shouldn't be.

Just because meds gave him side effects doesnt mean he cant try them. I doubt it that he has been on tons of them in combinations right? He seems like the person who may half a**sed tried meds and when they didnt work perfectly the way he expected he gives up. Expecting our partners to play an active roll in their mental heath treatment is totally within your right. If he had diabetes or high blood pressure he would take meds right?
Some people get hung up on being "dependent" on meds. So who cares if you are dependent on them? You have to give different meds some time to see if they work. Having side effects doesn't preclude you from continuing to try other meds and combos.
It sounds like he wants you to not only handle every bill and chore and if you dont like it well- tough. It is a very immature way of behaving in relationship. You asked how to get him motivated:
if he is allowed to live the way you have let him live her doesnt have to be motivated. He has it all the way he wants it. No financial burdens, housing, food etc. Its all on your plate so why should he change? If you want him to change you have to make him uncomfortable because so many of us learn about change through pain.