My bf says he’s depressed.

My boyfriend says he’s depressed. We have lived together for nearly a year and over time, it’s gotten worse. He is unmotivated to do anything. He doesn’t work. He finds odd jobs here and there to help pay half the rent but nothing consistent. He used to see a therapist but the cost was so high he stopped going. I finally helped him sign up for health insurance but now she doesn’t accept that plan and he says he refuses to see anyone but her. She offered to see him for free, to help him. And he still won’t go. He is constantly eating, then talks about how gross he feels and how he needs to lose weight. The house is a disaster. Trash everywhere. His dog has been pooping inside when he’s home.

I work a full time job. I have been in the process of finding us a better place to live where I can keep my horses, because I can’t afford to live in this house and pay for my horses elsewhere. I have Bipolar Disorder and am medicated. My grandfather recently died and I was gone for a week for the funeral. My boyfriend was supposed to be packing since we move in two weeks. I came home and the house smelled rotten. Nothing was packed. And he just looked at me blankly and said he’s depressed.

I am really trying to be supportive. I buy all our groceries. I try to invite him to go out to eat or go to the park to get him out of the house. He just wants to sit at home and watch tv.

I am not exactly mentally stable myself. The stress of work and a move and my grandfathers passing has me incredibly anxious and emotionally taxed. But I feel like I get no relief. These burdens have fallen on me and if I ask my boyfriend for any help, he just says he’s depressed. If I ask again, because honestly I NEED the help, he gets upset with me. If he does help, he says it’s got to be his way. Yesterday we were fixing a fence and working together and he decided I wasn’t going fast enough so he yanked the wire and it cut my leg. He just glared at me and told me to stop getting in the way and just let him do this. He spat “I’m doing this for you after all....”

I’m at the end of my rope. He is a different person when he’s depressed. He’s not kind. He’s not caring. He won’t leave the house. He lives in filth (and therefore I am too). I get off work and cater to him. Weekends I am cleaning our house and packing.

What can I do? He won’t get help. He won’t do anything. He told me maybe he’d be happier moving back home with his dad. Because there he can “do whatever he wants”. A reference to my asking him to do anything around the house. When I said that if that makes him happy, I support him, because I truly do want him to be happy. He stared at me and told me I was trying to make him leave.

Help!! I want to support him but I feel like I have just been enabling him.

I'm kind of in the same situation, although I must say, living in filth is pretty alarming. I'm feel for what you are going through and am happy you found somewhere to talk about your feelings!

Was he like this at the start of the relationship? Did he say he would try to get better or contribute more earlier on?

Perhaps it would be helpful to limit "screen time." This is a strategy my bf and I have recently talked about. He usually doesn't do much beyond tv and video games. But he's not addicted to them. He proposed having days where he only has one hour of "screen time," and the rest of the day can be used for hobbies, cleaning the house, etc. Do you think your bf would be interested in that?

The worst thing you can do while depressed is nothing. So at the very least, try to get him outside, have the sun on his face, ride a bike, read a book.

And, like you, I have anxieties myself. But it can be easy to "get stuck" taking care of someone else and not prioritize your own needs. It's the whole oxygen masks on the airplane metaphor: you have to put your own mask on before helping others. As you mention, you're stressed out as well, but your bf provides no help, and in fact, is making the situation worse. I particularly don't like how he treated you with the fencing. Not only did he end up injuring you physically, but also emotionally by making you feel bad for asking for help. Perhaps you need a break to figure things out and help yourselves first? I know it can be hard to ask, esp. if he's depressed, but ask yourself what YOU need right NOW. He should also be taking steps to help himself, like therapy, medication, exercise, diet, etc., too.

Thank you aimlesshiker. Yes when we were dating and again when we moved in together, he was motivated. He promised to contribute. Even talked about getting a job. He was in a bad living situation before so he seemed eager to be in a stable home environment. But it seems like the more secure he felt, the worse he got.

He says I don’t have a right to tell him what he can or can’t do. So the screen time I think wouldn’t go over well. He told me I “nag” him about things like, oh— basic living. The coffee table is covered in his dishes and trash and if I even mention it, I’m a nag. He has gotten to the point he’s so lazy he actually... pees on the floor. Yeah. He “misses” the toilet and says I don’t understand since I’m not a man how it’s hard to aim. And like- ok. But maybe clean it up! But of course, that makes me a nag. He eats food and puts back empty boxes. Then when I go to make my lunch for work, I have no food. And again, if I say anything, I’m a nag.

It’s really frustrating. And he doesn’t see anything wrong. I love him dearly but I also can’t live in this mess. I had a boyfriend like this before— and that ended really badly. Depressed. Angry. Made me their enemy. And I’m trying not to compare the two but it’s starting to look like that situation.

I feel like it’s me. And of course I get blamed. That I’m too demanding. That I won’t let him live his life. Be his “own person”. But I feel like keeping a home clean, especially if you don’t have a job and do NOTHING around the house, isn’t asking too much? I mean- I have had to increase my medications and start seeing my therapist more regularly to handle this situation. But I’m still expected to clean and get groceries and be the positive one. Be the support system. But I really need one too.

I even started to self harm a few months back because I was so exhausted. I just didn’t feel like going on. And my boyfriend called me weak and told me I’m crazy. But of course, his actions are just acceptable because he is depressed.

Sorry I’m not trying to vent but I’m just so fed up. I hate the idea of punishing my boyfriend because of his depression but some of this feels like an excuse by his depression for his actions. I am depressed too. I have manic episodes. But I keep on going to work. Paying the bills. Holding down the fort. Why do I have to be that stability and he gets to avoid any of it?

I don’t want to compare depression or mental health but sometimes I feel like he dismissed my very real diagnosis of bipolar disorder because I am managing it (as best I can) and justifies his behavior due to depression that is unmanaged.

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Originally Posted by jaymoq He says I don’t have a right to tell him what he can or can’t do. So the screen time I think wouldn’t go over well. He told me I “nag” him about things like, oh— basic living. The coffee table is covered in his dishes and trash and if I even mention it, I’m a nag. He has gotten to the point he’s so lazy he actually... pees on the floor. Yeah. He “misses” the toilet and says I don’t understand since I’m not a man how it’s hard to aim.

Believe me when I tell you that I am sympathetic when it comes to depression- I am BPII and other stuff so I get it. But being mean and nasty, throwing things back in your face, ignoring you and being gross is still not ok. Yes depression can make us irritable but that doesnt mean we get to treat people like crap.
As hard as it will be you may need to sit down and have a conversation and have one that may have "consequences". Is there something he really likes that you provide for him? Is it the cable bill or something like that? What would he do if you decided you didn't want some services since he isn't contributing towards paying for them? Unfortunately many times, change requires pain and consequence. And this happens all the time. Many people are resistant to change-even good change but especially change that makes them accountable and uncomfortable. It is not easy but you cant take care of yourself in any sort of healthy way living like that. You can't make him get help, he has to agree to it and want it. What would you do if he never changed and this was basically it? Would you stay? I think you really need to think about that part in case he tells you basically to F off.

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And like- ok. But maybe clean it up! But of course, that makes me a nag. He eats food and puts back empty boxes. Then when I go to make my lunch for work, I have no food. And again, if I say anything, I’m a nag.

And, lets be real- "nag" is such a cop-out insult. Its an all encompassing F-U to the person on the receiving end. You want, deserve and need certain things- you are not a nag, you are a partner. He is a jerk for calling you a nag.

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It’s really frustrating. And he doesn’t see anything wrong. I love him dearly but I also can’t live in this mess. I had a boyfriend like this before— and that ended really badly. Depressed. Angry. Made me their enemy. And I’m trying not to compare the two but it’s starting to look like that situation.

yes I agree.

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I feel like it’s me. And of course I get blamed. That I’m too demanding. That I won’t let him live his life. Be his “own person”. But I feel like keeping a home clean, especially if you don’t have a job and do NOTHING around the house, isn’t asking too much? I mean- I have had to increase my medications and start seeing my therapist more regularly to handle this situation. But I’m still expected to clean and get groceries and be the positive one. Be the support system. But I really need one too.

And it isn't you. If he wants to "be his own person" and "live his own life" then he should actually be the one contributing to it. If you are doing and paying for everything he is not "living his life" he is sucking away yours.

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I even started to self harm a few months back because I was so exhausted. I just didn’t feel like going on. And my boyfriend called me weak and told me I’m crazy. But of course, his actions are just acceptable because he is depressed.

OMG! I am so angry for you- what a cheap, insensitive shot. I dont know if I could tolerate that and I do not think you should.

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Sorry I’m not trying to vent but I’m just so fed up. I hate the idea of punishing my boyfriend because of his depression but some of this feels like an excuse by his depression for his actions. I am depressed too. I have manic episodes. But I keep on going to work. Paying the bills. Holding down the fort. Why do I have to be that stability and he gets to avoid any of it?

If you do not give him some sort of consequence like- moving out or losing things he wants why should he change? He has his way all around now and depressed or not he is pretty comfortable living this way. He gets to do whatever he wants and you are expected to tolerate it an provide for him. Not cool.

Please take excellent care of yourself. It sounds like this relationship is taking a toll on you that you can’t afford. The response above has some excellent suggestions. I don’t have anything to add. Just wanted to offer my support.

Thanks everyone. It’s exhausting. I really want this move to be happy and this is my first home that I’ve bought. So it’s exciting. But he has made it nothing but difficult. It’s hard to figure out how two people with depression can even be in a relationship. What happens if you’re both depressed? Maybe it’s just not supposed to be this way.

Lately all he says to anything is “I don’t know”. He doesn’t know if he wants to be in a relationship. He doesn’t know what will make him happy. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what he wants. It’s like he chooses to just... exist. Alone. In his own world. He snaps at me constantly. Unless we’re watching tv together, he’s brooding. He takes drives to “think” almost every day. And keep in mind I’m at work all day. He is home all day. Alone. Doing whatever it is he does. And I come home at 6 and I get maybe 2-3 hours with him. And that amount of time is too much. He has to leave to think.

I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s upset all the time. He won’t get help. And I’m trying so hard to stay upbeat and happy and just.... get through this. Because I’m still working full time. We’re still moving to a new house. I’m having to put up fences and run water lines and coordinate contract work. And meanwhile he just sits. I asked him if he could help box some more things and he told me he refuses to do it until I’m here to help because it’s all “my $***”. But I don’t notice him calling it mine when he is using it. When he damages it and shrugs. When we got together he had nothing. I had everything. And he punishes me for it. Like my having furniture and utensils and appliances etc was a slight against him. I had these things before I even knew him. How the heck can I fix that?

I’m just so tired. I’m exhausted. The other night I really struggled with my own ideation. Which of course spiraled him when I was feeling upset. I’m not even allowed to be upset or frustrated anymore.

I’m really so tired.

I’m sending hugs

I think you know what's going on. And I think deep down you know what you should have to do. I don't think he is acting correctly towards you. He shouldn't need to leave the minute he sees you to go and think. He shouldn't need to take from you and never give. Are you willing to live like this if it never changes? That is an important question to ask yourself. He might never change or he might change for the worse or he may change for the better although I suspect he's not interested in doing that.

I agree with sarahsweets. You deserve better treatment than what he's giving you. You're so tired because of the incredible strain this relationship has put on you. It's very taxing, both for your mental and physical health, to be stressed out constantly like this.

I hope, whatever ends up happening, that you're able to take some time for yourself. I've been reading a lot of books (Wild and Thru-Hiking Will Break Your Heart) about the Pacific Crest Trail and how people backpack for hundreds of miles to "find themselves." I imagine hiking for hours by myself and just staring into a vast expanse of trees and mountains and even more trees, and I'm totally enamored with the idea right now. I'm not sure if you're an outdoorsy person, but either way I think it would be beneficial to take a "break" from life in general, whether it's camping or a stay-cation or a short road trip somewhere. I say this because it seems like this relationship occupies most of your thoughts, so, moving forward, it's going to be vital that you maintain who YOU are and give yourself experiences you can cherish forever.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, jaymoq Being depressed is not an excuse for being so mean to you. I completely agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice in this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I think you need to seriously talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. Make him understand that you can't live like this anymore and that if he doesn't want to get help or get better, you'll have to leave him. If he still refuses to get help for his condition, then I'm afraid you need to end this relationship. I agree with sarahsweets and what all the others have already wisely said. It's not fair that you're suffering like this because of him and you need to take care of yourself as well, after all. You can't force him to get help. He's the one that needs to take those steps. I'd suggest to just talk to him and make him understand that something has to change if he wants things to continue. If he refuses to listen to you, then I' d suggest to just leave him. I know it's hard to take this decision, but you need to take care of yourself. Please don't neglect yourself. You matter. Your thoughts and feelings matter and need to be respected. I hope things will get better soon for you, one way or another. Just try to make the best decision for yourself. It seems like he doesn't even know whether or not he wants to be in this relationship. I believe you already know what to do deep inside you. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorryyou have to deal with all of this, jaymoq. Please don't give up. You're a strong, wonderful person. You can do this! We all believe in you