Epiphany

I realized what was the cause of my ongoing, long going depression: solitude.
I need to be heard, I need to be liked, I am a social being that needs attention and validation for her entusiasm. I don't have that in my family, I dind't have that while groing up. My father was the only one that listened to me, but he was so mean and harsh on me sometimes. My mother was "mutte" and the opposite of empathic, my sister frequently told me and tells me to shut up (sisterly love ). I felt so lonely.
I am smart and ironic and growing up in a poor environment I dind't have much friends to keep up with me, also I was already depressed.
I need real life friends. Now that I am waking up I see some people around at my work that I identify with and I really like, but they already have their lives and they are not available for me.
I am still in search for validation. And I have no one.

How stupid it is to reconect emotionaly with my father as when I was little? I think he is lonely and needs someone talk to. I was is favourite children.

(((((((( Mulan ))))))))

I agree that being alone and isolated from others can bring on depression.

You say you need validation. Maybe you can give yourself validation. Or find it in the kind words of others on PC. Your work friends may have their own lives, but I bet they like you too.

I am sorry that you are not able to connect with someone as friend. I will tell you my example. I have two friends who live 10 miles from me. I have not seen them for more than a year. Our life is so fast and we are all focused to survive and paid our bills.

It is hard, but someone will reach out to you and you will be able to make friends.
You have us here too....

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, mulan I completely agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given some great advice in this thread. I'd suggest to try to follow it if you can. I'm sure many people can relate to what you wrote here, especially here on PC. You're definitely not alone in this. It sucks to be lonely. You're certainly not alone here. We all love you here. We all care about you here. I'm so sorry. Do you have any hobbies? What do you like to do in your free time? Anything that may help you fight the loneliness for a little while. Also, try to keep reaching out to your colleagues if you can. Perhaps you'll be able to spend some time with them! I'm so sorry you haven't received the love and support that you needed and deserved from your family. It's hard when we're not loved by the people who are the closest to us. Please don't give up. start working on yourself if you can. Self-love and self-value begins from within ourselves. Try to work on that if you can. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with you feelings. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. You deserve to get better and to feel good. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone else does. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

Thanks for all the love in this thread. I trully appreciated it all, specially with what everyone is going through in their lifes.
I know I am good, but I dont know I am good! I totally need validation in life! I know I am smart and sensitive and funny, but I just need people to tell me that and soon after I forget it. I know I have qualities but I still don't like myself. Does that make sense? I am in therapy with a therapist I think is good and I like. She is going through schema therapy in next sessions. I totally have a lot of unresolved issues.
Another thing I am not is a quiter. (Am I?)
I don't like to remember my past. I hugged my father a lot, but he seemed so distante. And the beating...and when I went to bed crying in silence wondering why nobody loved me and wishing I could run away from home, but I couldnt.
Therapy will help me now that medication lifted part of my depression.
After all this years, after all the fear and the embarasement I have gain a little of myself and I want my all self.
I want the me that has passions at that isnt afraid to love and feel loved.

I pass the part of blaming my parents either, they had terrible pasts too.
They are sick too, they have mental health problems. I believe my father is depressed too, without knowing, and that my mother as unresolved emotional issues.
I want to send them to therapy too and to a good shrink. Is that to messy of me? I already send them to mindfullness, but I dont think is enough. I just want a funcional family...without the mess that house went through over the years. I see someone good deep down those messy parents.
Unfortunatelly this is the messy woman searching for love talking, but they are suffering and they can give much more to this world. And they make each other suffer.