[sinking]

Today week 4 started.

i've been taking benzos the last few days and it helped me so much being calm this morning at work. my supervisor did notice and labelled it as me being tired. i admited to it, but more than tired i was RELAXED. im not sure whether i should keep taking benzos at night to sleep better and continuing being so relaxed at work or not. it was all so very different without anxiety. so much better. i guess i'll keep taking them until i see my T on wed. and until we discuss about it.

i didnt take breakfast this morning as i planned last week for mondays (was late), but i did go to the grocery store at noon and bought the necessary and some junk too.

im not as "excited" or as energetic as last week as the effect of seeing exT is wearing off, but i knew that. im in the middle between week 2 and week 3. its ok. i've learned to accept whatever comes.

also, i dont think im going to even take the test my friend suggested me to take to find a part time and short term job as an educator. i dont feel like studying and i dont feel like eventually having to do with kids. i have done that enough of that in the past and i already use a lot of my patience at my current job. i dont feel like stressing out about some other job which wouldnt be full time and would be only for substitutions too. i prefer focusing my energies on my current job. which is enough for now.

i continue being a selfish bi*ch all the time, but right now i dont have the energy (or the willing) that it takes to change. i hope i'll get back there (altruist) again one day.

right now i'll keep listening to the white noise and i hope i'll get to fall asleep soon as i go to bed.

[Fuzzybear]

[sinking]

So today went quite smoothly too. i made some mistakes at work and for that i felt even more insecure but i didnt let it bother me too much. the benzos im taking are helping a lot even though i dont plan on taking them tonight because i have to wake up earlier tomorrow and i dont want to be mentally sleeping at work.

today, i even took a nap during lunch break. in a sense, the benzos are making things harder because all i want to do is stay in bed, eat and sleep but on the other hand it helps me calming down and keeping my anxiety under control. i hope tomorrow will continue like this.

tomorrow after work im seeing my T. i dont feel i have much to tell her, in spite of how much im posting here. afterwards, my dad will come at my place to help me with some works that need to be done in my flat and that i wouldnt be able to do by myself. i know that by doing, my dad shows me he does care but there are so many other times that with words he says how much he doesnt care really. i dont know…

and then for dinner im going to take at my parents home some kebab and i'll sleep there. im glad im going there because it breaks the week in two and i get to rest more (not more but better) than if i stayed at my flat. so this week should be easier than the past one. i really hope so. routine is sinking in and it does make things easier. im glad i've been paying attention and building it up.

[sinking]

Today was a pretty calm and good day. work went by smoothly, and with that i mean that nothing bad happened, i dont mean that it doesnt take much effort, because it does take a lot of effort even when things are apparently simple. im just more aware of the toll it takes on my body and mind, so i tend to not work my *** off, and still with my full focus on it, i just do the minimum required. im still very insecure but i hope this feeling will leave soon.

as i told my T today, the meds i've re-started taking are helping a lot keeping me calm and with a lot of less anxiety. i'll keep taking them until i feel more calm and secure by myself. they also help me feeling more rested in the morning.

in T session we also talked about my routine and my food habits. i've told her i gained some weight and im not at all happy about it but, as i said, thats the best i can do at least for now. i try hard to eat as less as i can but i just cant stop myself. i actually have nothing else but food to help me going.

we also talked about how my core BPD is still there, even if i eliminated the typical behaviors. im glad she can see under the surface and see that im still (internally) struggling a lot. she said that even just my re-start with meds shows that im not doing much better if i feel i need them to function. i guess she's right.
as for the relationships i told her how any relationship i have is superficial and i never open up with anyone IRL.

i dont know how/why but we talked a bit about how /through a friend) and why (to get a diagnosis) i came to her the first time (dec '15). it was nice talking abot that since i dont remember doing it before. i think its the first time i told her i had stopped my meds since May '15 to feel worse and having this lead to death. she objected that i really seemed desperate (i showed her a paper with "help" written with my blood) and wanting and looking for help. i had to admit to that. i really and sincerely was desperate and wanted help. but i also said that as for most of the things in my life, i long to have/get something but when i do achieve it, i dont want it anymore. (i guess this happens to a lot of people).

i told her i feel calmer and less excited about creating a routine. i guess it means its sinking in without me having to force one. the excitement about being the architect of my life after seeing exT is fading away. im glad i'll see Him again in about 1 month.

as planned, today was shower day at my home, but today i wasnt alone there. my dad came there to help me with a few works that still needed to be done in my new flat. we didnt get to do everything, but he got to do a lot of useful stuff. it was nice having him there with me. at least with that, he shows me he does care, while through his words he seems bothered by me all the time). he will probably come again next wed. tonight i came at my parents' because i bought them dinner to celebrate yesterday's father's day. it went fine and im glad im with them now.

only 2 days at work left. cant wait for friday night, even though nothing amazing will happen. just dinner with my friend and 2 days of rest from work, but its enough to motivate me to finish the week at work. i still dont feel bad enough to go back to the clinic, but a part of me hopes it will happen soon. i'll try lowering the other med im taking. it would be good for my physical wellness too. and maybe it will lead me to the clinic again. i miss that and i miss just feeling bad as in my worst days.

[sinking]

Today was quite ok, i suppose. work went quite smoothly today too.

i feel kind of stupid keeping writing here about my days since im basically talking alone but i need it. it helps with my routine, it helps with getting things out and noticing some things that would pass overlooked while i can get some teachings from my own words and from noticing some small stuff i would not see if i didnt write here so i'll continue, i guess.

thing is, my problem here is that (HUGE discolsure - mentioned only a bit with my T last session), some years ago i used to be a member of another forum that now is closed. i used to post there for a few years. i was VERY active every day and even though i would post about myself too, i preferred helping others. i must admit, helping others was easier than talking about myself and it made me feel good seeing i was being helpful and important to someone. i used to "save" people with huge problems. i would look for the people who needed help the most and provide them with all i could give. with all my heart. i've really heard the worst things. some things i could just not believe that they could be even possible. i really have heard the most disturbing and unthinkable things. i tried to help everyone. i even made some friends and we would talk with private emails a lot. at least for the first 3-4 years. then slowly it was taking a huge toll on me, especially talking with 1-2 persons in particular so i slowly let them go. only one person is still now my online friend from that forum. others, were sucking out of me all of my energies. i was very torn and very anguished. both about staying and leaving, but in the end i backed off. those were the most beautiful and fulfilling years in my whole life but also the very worst and suffered and tormented too. it was SO hard. i cant even explain how hard it was. i was so scared, hurt and torn. people, friends there, would really touch me and hurt me SO much.
thats why im SO scared of it happening again here in this forum. and why i only reply to a very few threads here, where and when i feel safe doing so. im scared of getting involved with all my soul again. im scared of people hurting me and of hurting people in turn. i have suffered so much for so long that now im scared of everything and everyone and thats also why i only have 1 friend IRL. i have eliminated most of my relationships and have kept them at the minimum and only if i feel comfortable. i feel i have so much to give, but im too scared to let myself do it. maybe and hopefully i'll be able to do it again in the future. for now it would be too much for me.

i hope someone understands what im talking about and why im such a selfish bi*ch here. im so sorry for that. i hope i'll be able to change again.

anyway. today the high i was in last week has started to fade away. i see it happening more and more as every day passes. the meds that were doing magic, arent giving me the same effects anymore. i've actually been feeling very sad and feeling like crying for no apparent reason. out of the blue at work. its ok, i knew it would happen, i accept that, but i just had to acknowledge it. positive: i feel proud and satisfied for myself for writing down the grocery list for next week. lists help me so much. i love making lists. it gives me some sense of order and if things are already defined i feel better, safer, prepared. i love feeling prepared.

im glad tomorrow is last day at work for this week. it has passed quicker than last week. maybe because i had a good break Yesterday night at my parents'. i hope tomorrow goes as fast as today and i'll be able to enjoy dinner with my friend and then the weekend.

[sinking]

Today i feel very sad, almost like crying and i dont know why. and im exhausted from work. but im also seeing some improvements if i really try hard. anyway, i need to keep thinking i have only 4 hours of work left for this week. im eating a lot of junk food, especially chocolate. i'll try to do better this weekend. cant wait for today to be over...

[sinking]

Not much to say about today. just a lot of rest at my parents', watching my fav tv series with my cat on my belly . pet's love is so pure and heartwarming! i love them so much.

my mom made me a cake for the next days (they'll be gone for 3 days and i'll have to takecare of their house and the pets. im actually happy about that. i also tried to fix some paperworks. but im not done with them yet. baby steps thanks also to my dad.

meds are slowly losing their effects, my body is getting used to them, i'll try and stop for a few days. i want them to fully work when i truly need them.

Good news is yesterday i spent a nice night and dinner with my friend and when i got home i got a package from my online friend. it really made me SO happy and loved. its nice. sometimes i forget there are some people who care and love me besides my parents. even if they are not here in person to be with me...

[MickeyCheeky]

Keep fighting, sinking! Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading what you're sharing and writing and that I care about you. I'm sure all the others here on PC care about you as well! Also, I don't think you're selfish at all! You've helped me a lot and I'll forever be grateful to you for that. You have every right to take care fo yourself, so please don't feel guilty about it, ok? Much love to you and please keep us updated, we all care about you here! We all love you here! Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you, sinking. You're a strong, wonderful person. You deserve to be loved and to be happy just like everyone else does. I'm sure you'll be able to get through all of this!

[sinking]

Thank you SO much Mickey for letting me know you're reading me. it does so much good to me . REALLY. more than i can say. im not looking for answers here, just trying to exist. and having someone reading me helps with that. Thank you SO much.

Today… not much to say. i was lazy and spent all day in bed watching tv series.

but tonight i had to go and get my meds and i feel so bad for deceiving nurses and i was so scared of getting caught. but i am my own best doc and only i can decide which meds are ok and helping and which are not.

i've also bought some chocolate. i feel like eating a lot of things even if im not hungry. i know its comfort eating and it helps a little but usually, after eating, i feel as empty as before. maybe more. but chocolate, that chocolate, keeps popping up in my mind all the time so i figured if i eat a LOT of it until i feel nauseated, sooner or later i'll have enough. it will stop popping up in my mind. it has worked before with other foods and i hope it will work with this one too. i'll try and eat better and less this week. i promise.