Burned out and depressed.

He's at the nursing home now. I cried walking out of there. So hard to leave him there. But he's been very good about it and wants me to have time to do what I need to catch up on. His frailty is extreme. I have to sort out this apartment and get him back here with me. I don't think we have a lot more time together.

These chain owned nursing homes that get most of their revenue from Medicaid are crappy, especially in poorer states. They have "short stay" units for patients coming in for rehab under Medicare. Medicare pays a lot more. Those units are passably okay. The halls with the Medicaid beds are deplorable. Stinky, smelling of urine. If they can keep where the Medicare beds are smelling okay, I don't know why the Medicaid halls have to stink so bad. I had been told he would be on a short stay unit. But they ushered us into a stinky, cramped room on a long term stay hall. (Bait and Switch tactic.) I protested and got him placed over in short stay where it's not awful.

I have to get a lot accomplished. There is a price to pay for all those depressed days when I wasted tons of precious time neglecting what I should have been keeping up with. I hope I learn from this.

Thank you for the supportive posts above. I don't feel utterly alone.

Yes . . . sometime the treatment is worse than the malady. My guy also is not getting any cancer treatment currently. The side effects of immunotherapy got too bad.

Medicine does involve a lot of guessing. Reading imaging (Xrays, CT scans, etc) is way more guesswork than I used to think. Radiologists make the big bucks. They guess a lot. Chest xrays are hard to read. I've been told an xray said one think, then told something different. Also, sometimes they say they definitely did or didn't see something on an xray . . . . and you find out later that they were wrong.

I hope your mom has some quality time left. My guy's quality of life has gone down a lot recently. I hate to lose him, but I hate to see him struggling. Everything is getting so hard for him. And for me helping him. I can barely keep up. Really I wasn't keeping up. That's why he is there in the facility.

I'm sleepy now, but I have things to do.

I'm back from the nursing home again. O keel breaking down in tears. I put him to bed there. I have to trust those people a little.

I'm tired and so stiff and sore. Thank Heaven for pain pills. Putting a wheelchair in and out of a car is heavy lifting. I didn't expect that not being young would hurt so much.

At night my job is to sleep. In the day I have an agenda of things to accomplish over the next week. I can't be lazy and give in to morning depression.

Thank you for hugs. Without him, I'm very alone. When he's gone I can go stay with family. But now there's not much support. Caregiving over the last 5 years didn't give me time to nurture social connections.

Just a day at a time. Hope sleep comes soon.

Today I am not upset and crying like last night. He's recovering. He's acting down about being in the nursing home. I want him to think about my welfare too. If he can't, then I need to consider whether I'm being used.

I got things done today. He's adjusting and doing okay at the n. home. The place is giving him decent care.

This is working out. And he is actually recovering better than I expected.

I'm spending hour after hour just wasting time doing nothing. I didn't go see him yesterday. Just felt too tired. So I did nothing. I've had all the rest I need and I can't say I'm tired. But I have no interest in anything. I should eat something. 2 p.m. and I've done absolutely nothing all day.

I go up and down too. I definitely need my recovery day after a hard working day. I take my diuretic every other day, even tho my dr wants me to take it every day, but i cant be peeing every day like that. But i can tell that my mood is down until it enters my system.

Its hard not getting down on myself on my down days. This morning on PBS, on the Barry kibrick show, they featured christopher phillips who wrote a book, a child view of the world. Anyway one quote barry liked was, "to persevere(?) between discouragement and something else." I guess i should have written it down. I might still buy the book.

Thanks for your input.

My S.O. spent the 2 weeks in the nursing home. It did benefit me. I had time to address things I've neglected. Still have more to address.

After having him home now a few days, I am feeling just lousy. And we're not getting along that well. I told him I may not be able to stay with him much longer.

This week coming up I want to see if there's a better quality nursing home that might take a Medicaid patient. I read an article that said the better places tend to have waiting lists. If they have empty beds and no private pay applicants, then they will take a Medicaid patient from their waiting list. There is a non-profit home I want to check on.

I tell myself that an episode of depression blows over eventually. But I am having frequent episodes too close together. I can't let myself keep going downhill. I've told him this. I've told him he could try being nicer. But I'm losing hope that I can keep this arrangement going. There is nothing to sustain me in this situation.

I feel sorry for him. I hated seeing him in this place he was just in. Small, cramped rooms. The bathroom not kept very clean. They never shaved him. Food was crappy. I have to look and see if there's any better option.

I get up to feed him or tend to him.
Then I just go back to bed. I'm not even sleepy. I'm just that depressed. I've lost interest in sitting with him in the living room. I feel like he shows me nothing, other than he is a bottomless pit of need. It's so lonely being here. I don't want to keep living like this. He was supposed to have passed away long ago. But here he is. He could go on for quite a while. I don't think I can take too many months more of this. I wonder how I made it this far. Right now nothing interests me. It's awful.

The reality is, he is a bottomless pit of need now. I just think you have to take this plan seriously, and find a home for him that you feel is good enough care. Then make baby steps to take care of you.

You've extended yourself to the point of exhaustion and deep depression, I hope things work out for you. I'd love to see you happier.

Thank you. Nursing homes have gotten worse over the years. I may not be able to find one that I could feel okay about. But I plan to look at two.

I am awfully depressed. His stay in that place for two weeks seems to have caused more decline in him. The first week he seemed okay. But the second week he was going down, especially mentally. So I took him home a day early.

I remember when there were better nursing homes. These chain corporations that run these nursing homes for mostly Medicaid patients run crap holes. A place can sort of look okay when you walk through it quickly. You have to go there day after day, watching what does and doesn't get done for your loved one. He got only 2 showers in 13 days.

I think what will happen to me someday. I could very well end up in one of these awful places. I think I would do absolutely anything to avoid that.

I wish my life was over.

I was supposed to take him to the VA for a podiatry appointment. I'm not going to do that. Since 2:30 a.m. I've been a wreck.

I tell myself that these bad episodes always pass. Then I am okay and I wonder why I was so upset. But I've had too many bad spells too close together.

I don't know what's going to happen to him or me. I have no hope.

Hang in there, @Rose76 This sadness will pass, I'm sure. Just remember that you have ALL of PC supporting you. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME as my inbox is ALWAYS open for you. Please be kind to yourself and remember to do what you can. Take WONDERFUL care of yourself I sure hope things will improve soon for you both! Please be kind to yourself as you're enduring a lot. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you and him, Rose76!

Nursing homes do suck. I remember years ago, the bath schedule was one bath a week. The urine smell was strong. I understand that you don't want to leave him there. At least, I try to put myself in your shoes and I cant, but .. I just hope you find something a bit better and realize you've done all you can, and it's so hard for you to lose him, I wish you didn't feel so alone. You can p.m. me too, here for you....

I reached out in a few directions. It was a few texts. I received texts back that were sympathetic. The one I sent to his daughter got no response. No surprise there. Couldn't type a few words. Maybe that's part of the problem - feeling just utterly taken for granted. Some people guard their time and attention like it was gold. His family doles out their few crumbs of encouragement and appreciation very sparingly. He raised them, so maybe that reflects on him.

I think about why his daughter offered no kind words. The calculation tolling around in her brain right now is wondering is my reported attack of the blues is going to lead to her being inconvenienced in any way whatsoever. It's unhealthy for me to stew in old resentments. I just can't help thinking how I've carried a lot for so long with so little concern for me being shown.

I'm just getting worse.

I offered to go get my guy a Hamburg or KFC. After he criticized my dinner last night, I'm not cooking tonight.

Yesterday was a down day for me. I'm not keeping the place very tidy. But it was not a disaster. I been keeping the kitchen in good shape. Got the fridge cleaned out very nicely yesterday. Organized a cabinet I use a lot.

But a surface in the living room that happens to be right in my bf's line of view has a pile of clutter that's been there a while. With the kitchen more under control, I was planning on working in the livingroom. After giving my guy a shave, I sat down for a bit. So he started complaining about the cluttered surface near him. I know it's hard for him to look at it. But he just harped on it too much. So I went on strike and stopped caring about getting anything done here today.

I decided to stay in the bedroom and just amuse myself online. Usually I keep him company and talk to him a lot - to keep him oriented to reality. If I don't, his dementia escalates. But today I made myself scarce. Sooooo . . . . . he started hallucinating. Yup. Now, if I deprive him of sufficient psychic stimulation, he hallucinates.

This was not an act. He did not will this. It was real. The content was somewhat paranoid. And it was real to him. So now I can't go off in a corner and sulk when I'm mad. I have to keep him engaged, mentally . . . or . . . he will start hallucinating. Then I get scared that I might not be able to being him back.

This didn't start yesterday. It's happened a few times. But now the pattern is clear. If I absent myself from his presence to show that I am unhappy about something, I risk tumbling him into frank psychosis. Then I have that to deal with.

I took a double dose of Ritalin and some hydrocodone to try and counteract my demoralization. It actually helped. Now I'm trying sleep deprivation to reboot my system.

I'm sorry now I didn't go to bed hours ago. Being over-tired is making my tinnitus sound very weird. Since 2011, I've had worsening tinnitus. I hear my own pulse, which changes when I am awake too long. I wonder if some of my stress doesn't come from this constant noise in my head. I better put the bedroom TV on to drown it out. I better take my meds and maybe have some wine, cheese and crackers.

A social worker and care coordinator are coming tomorrow. I'll be a mess like the living room. I'll feel embarrassed. Maybe I should just say, "Well, Ladies, as you can see, I can no longer cope."

My bf and I are both becoming psychotic. I did so well for a few years. Is this how it will end? No feeling of pride in a tough job well handled through to its conclusion. Instead, me becoming crazy. The both of us becoming crazy and authorities stepping in. I'll just be a disgraced crazy lady who fell apart trying to handle what became too much for her. Now I'm crying. Another failure to add to a life of failing.

It's awful to feel a failure. I see now why some who used to be close to me distanced themselves. They saw the failure pattern. I didn't even realize, until recently, what it was that made them change toward me. I see now why failure drives some people to end their lives. I don't think I'm quite that bad off.

I'll have to figure something out. I think I'll cancel Internet service to this apartment. Maybe then I'll spent more time getting housework done.

You're not a failure, Rose You're trying to cope the best way you can. Sometimes things get too hard or outside of our controlo and thast's perfectly ok. No shame in that. Please don't be hard on yourself. I'm REALLY HAPPY someone is coming in tomorrow. Hopefully they'll be able to help you. Keep us updated if you wish. Please be kind to yourself and try not to neglect your own health - both physical and mental. I'm so sorry things are being so hard for you. I wish I've had better advice to give to you. I will listen though. Remember that you can always PM me when you wish. Stay strong, Rose. Take things one hour at the time, as it says under your profile picture. You've got this. You just need someone to help you. There's no shame in that, it's not a failure on your part. You've done everything you could have done. Now it's time for others to step in. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Rose!

How are you Rose? I often check this thread to see how you both are.

I feel like saying that it seems someone in your life has really instilled in you the need to succeed at everything. I know how important this is to you, to care for him to the end. You are not failing at this, no one on earth could do it either. Just try to think of yourself as one of your best friends in the same situation. What advice could you give them? If you saw your own mother struggle in what you are struggling in, what do you think you might suggest to help?
I care very much, I really think that even though he is getting worse, you might have to let go and let god, and a nursing home take care of him. I wish all the best to you. I don't want to shove anything you don't want at you, but I don't like seeing you go through all of this.