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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 03:12 PM
  #321
I did his morning care, but nothing else. Kitchen is still a mess. Arm is still sore.

Plus, I've stayed in bedroom, leaving him alone in living room in front of the TV. I never do this, but I feel hard-hearted. I don't want to hear the discontented sighs he lets out when he's bored. That's supposed to be my cue to do something to make his day better. I usually try and typically succeed. Not today.

I think I could try some pain pills and some Ritalin to try and feel less depressed. Then go tackle the kitchen. I try to think of something to look forward to . . . try to tell myself that, if I get up and take care of things, I will feel better and have a better evening later. But I'm just crying and feel l can't get caught up and that I can't make my life better. I'll try the pills first.
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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 04:35 PM
  #322
The pills help, but that wears off in a couple hrs.

I an sore, tired and sleepy. I'm depressed. I don't want to take care of him anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel awful.
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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 05:07 PM
  #323
I wish I wasn't even alive. I feel like my life is ruined and won't improve.

I have no self-harm thoughts. I never do. I just feel awful. I'm not taking care of my s.o. properly. I'm ashamed to admit that to anyone. I'm afraid to send him to a nursing home because of COVID. I wish I was dead.

He keeps out-living every prognosis the doctors give. The end of January, the doctors said a matter of weeks to maybe a few months. They said that in May of 2018. Last Easter I took him out to a beautiful Easter brunch. It was expensive, but I believed it was our last Easter together.

He's not enjoying much anymore. Now, due to COVID, I am alone with him 24/7. He has slept in his chair most of today. He hardly talks to me. Just stares at the TV. He has dementia and has trouble finding his words. He's been restless at night, keeping me up. He wakes me before dawn. Being in this small apartment with him is horrible. The place is a mess. All kind of medical equipment strewn around. I need help. But we can't let anyone in.

I need help. I'm getting worse and worse mentally. And I blame myself that I don't just get up and clean the place . . . and shower him and cook something. I don't even shower myself or hardly brush my teeth. Plus I get mad at him for one thing or another. But I stay in a different room to cry because he will get mad if I cry in front of him.

Maybe if I take more pills and then get in the shower.

I thought my life would get more normal when he was gone. Now with this pandemic, even the distant future looks dark . . . like I have nothing to look forward to. This is so unfair. I know there's other people who are going through worse. I don't have what it takes to rise to the challenge. I feel so bad at what I'm becoming.
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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 05:37 PM
  #324
I'm sending hugs

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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 05:54 PM
  #325
I wish I lived nearby. Id come over and help.

Although probably not during covid.... could you pay someone to help out? Would it be more bearable if you did clean so then it would be more pleasant. If you can of course

You are one of my favorite people on this forum, I can’t stand seeing you struggling. I assume we don’t live near by, otherwise when covid is over, we’d hang out
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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 07:54 PM
  #326
Thank you both. I am heartened that you've responded.

Yes, it is true that I would feel much better, if I did pick up, even just somewhat. Yesterday, after my pills kicked in, I got 80% of the kitchen mess cleaned up, and I did feel better - much better. Then I cooked dinner. We ate. Then I was too tired and sore to clean up the new mess in the kitchen. Plus he didn't feel good and needed to be put to bed. Then I didn't want to make noise in the kitchen. He sleeps in a hospital bed in the small living room. It's a "galley kitchen" right next to the living room. But I got some of it done. Then I was weary. I woke up today to a sink full of dishes. (No dishwasher.) Every morning the living room has, as it's center piece, an unmade hospital bed. He needs so much hands-on care (incontinence, mobility impaired, etc.)(plus breathing treatments.) And I'm always behind. He's overdue to be shaved. I'm not having any attendant in because I'm afraid. It's an option - sure. But who wants to take that risk? I've always dreaded respiratory illness. I think it's the worst way to die . . . slowly suffocating. People younger and healthier than I are in ICUs now on ventilators, due to COVID. That's how easy it can happen. So I can't let anyone in to do some of the work. Mainly I used them as "sitters," so I could go out and walk around some store and pick out a nice smelling candle or a good book and just stroll without worrying about him for a couple of hours. So COVID affected my guy and me more than the average household where members are healthy. (I totally realize that ours is not the worse of situations.)

I did call a "crisis line" and talk to a counselor for a good chunk of time. I was not at risk for self-harm, but I asked to be listened to because I was becoming hysterical, and my bf is unable to handle consoling me in that state. Right now, being with him is worse than being alone would be. So the conversation with the counselor helped me to stop sobbing, but I was still awful down. Then I took some pills. Then I saw that two P.C. members were kind enough to read my post and leave encouragement, and that really pulled me up over the awful hump. Seeing the responses was very reassuring. Acknowledging them has focused my mind, while I've waited for the pills to kick in . . . which they have, better than I was expecting.

Fuzzy, your dancing bear is the most poignant GIF (or whatever u call that) online because of the sensitive way you insert her just when and where she is needed. The gentle positivity of her encouraging hula transcends words. I know she is your spirit leaving the cave to offer comfort, humbly and sweetly.

Thank you, divine, for saying nice things to me when I'ld gotten in despair from hearing all the hard things I've said to myself. Your post was a real surprise to me.

Now, before my Vicodin and Ritalin wear off, I will take a shower, brush my teeth and go get "take out" for supper. Not cleaning any pans or pots tonight. I told him it will be take out for the next few days, till I restore some order to this apartment.

Thanks for helping me.
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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 11:44 PM
  #327
I went and got some KFC for my S.O.'s supper. I didn't shower. I didn't brush my teeth. I put him to bed. A piece of one of my teeth broke off. It's very sore there now. I took another hydrocodone, but it's not helping my sore gum. Guess I'll take another one. I just don't want to hurt anymore tonight.

I was doing pretty good for so long taking Vicodin 10/325 twice or three times a day. Today between my aching arm and heel and mouth, I've already taken five of them today . . . and I need another one right now. That's about the most I've ever taken in one day.

I see how people can get sucked into popping pain pills excessively. It doesn't seem excessive when you hurt. When you hurt physically as well as mentally, you just want the pain to be relieved.

I wish I could go to a doctor and say that I need help . . . that I need pain relief and I need depression relief. But I wouldn't dare. These days that would only backfire. I'ld probably just get my Vicodin prescription taken away, which would ruin my life. So I'm afraid to ask for help. I just have to pull myself together. My mouth is so sore.
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 12:48 AM
  #328
I took another Vicodin. I brushed my teeth and gums with salt. It helped my mouth. Toothaches can be fixed. That's what dentists are for. I see mine regularly. I'm just embarrassed at my self-neglect.

The hospice nurse told me to give my bf an Ativan tonight. I did. Now he seems pretty sick. His cough sounds so congested.

I've striven so hard to give him good care for the past few years. I did most of it myself because his care is best when I do it. That's not egoism. Anyone nursing a family member can likely say the same thing. I'm not young. I knew it might get to be too much for me. I tapped in to all resources, so that I'ld have help when that day came. I got out of the VA system all there is to get. Same with Medicaid "Home and Community Waiver Benefit." Same with "hospice." I had a home attendant from each of those 3 systems lined up. I used them just enough to keep the benefits alive for the day when I might really need them. Attendants liked coming here. I'ld have the bedside care already done and ask little of them. Just to stand by while I went out to the store. They could just sit and watch TV with him. Last week I released them from coming over because of the risk of COVID. From March, 2019, until Xmas, 2019, I had no attendants and did all the care myself. Now when I'm becoming unable to cope - physically and mentally - the attendants are dangerous to let in because of the virus. Now, going to a nursing home is so dangerous. It's so cruel for this Corona thing to come along now and take away the options I thought would be there went he approached the end. I earned the help that I was going to use only when absolutely necessary, after doing so much on my own for so long. This is so unfair. I totally realize that there are thousands of stories across the nation of people adversely impacted by Corona, lots far more pitiable than mine.
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 12:56 AM
  #329
I'm so sorry you had a tooth break. I had a doc tell me once that tooth pain was some of the worst pain there is so you have my utmost sympathy.

I wish I had something of value to add but I'm afraid I'm pretty useless in that department.

Wishing you strength in this horrible time

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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 02:22 AM
  #330
Hi Raindrop. Just you dropping by is more than you know. It is a horrible time. My individual circumstances wouldn't seem half so bad, if there weren't that awful, black cloud hanging over all our heads. And it follows us and creeps in everywhere, like the most miserable fog.

I better think cheerier thoughts. A radio to play in the kitchen might help me get my work done in there. Think I'll order one online. There! I just made myself feel better.

And . . . thank you all.

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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 03:44 AM
  #331
Loving vibes and good thoughts! I'm anticipating a depression flare-up in a few weeks. Personally for me, one of the most effective ways to refresh my mood is to spend some time cooking. I adore baking cupcakes. Cupcakes tend to dry out quickly, so I store them in a carrier, you can click here to read more about it. I love keeping them fresh to enjoy later. The physical act of cooking alleviates symptoms of stress and anxiety almost immediately.
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 10:40 AM
  #332
I agree that cooking is a wonderful diversion. I love homemade cupcakes.
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 12:03 PM
  #333
I love cooking and it often helps but only shortly. When I cook I need to try it and eat it at the end of the day not only my problems come back but also I feel bad because I've eaten too much.
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 01:43 PM
  #334
Keep brushing your teeth regularly as well as flossing and rinsing etc You could also contact your dentist and ask for advice regarding tooth ache. Oh radio is a good idea! Play something cheerful. Hang in there.
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Default Apr 09, 2020 at 11:28 PM
  #335
Yesterday, I did tackle the housekeeping. That got rid of the depression. Today I was very busy. But a lot of heartbreak today. Sadness is different from depression. I felt grief. Painful, but glad not to be so depressed.
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 05:23 PM
  #336
((((((((((((( Rose76 ))))))))))))))

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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 01:03 AM
  #337
I had a bad spell of depression last evening. But I managed to go get Chinese takeout for supper for my s.o. and me. The kitchen was too much of a mess for me to cook in. Today was a bad day. I did n o t h I n g.

My s.o. lives in his own world. He either sleeps or stares at the TV. And he's quite content. He talks to me once in a while - like, to say, "What's there to eat?" or "Could you change the channel? Put something else on." or "Could you take me to the bathroom?" or "Could you get me some water?" Finally, after supper, it's "Well, I'm ready to go to sleep." It feels like I'm just here to render one service after another. I've been doing this for 6 years. At times I get depressed. Then I get over it and keep going. I've done pretty good. Now I'm demoralized. I'm not caring about anything. I'm neglecting everything. I feel like I have nothing left in my heart.
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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 01:12 PM
  #338
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I'm neglecting everything.
!!! "Everything" except for everything you mentioned in the paragraph up to that point. I'd be running on empty.

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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 06:39 PM
  #339
I may have to give up this role. He may have to go to a nursing home. Now would be a heck of a time to arrange that. I don't want him to die from COVID 19. However, this crisis may wind down. He's gotten a lot out of me. He never was big on being appreciative. Maybe I've done as much as I'm able to do.

I had this vision of him slipping away peacefully at home, with me gently tending to him. That was like a screenplay I wrote in my head. Life conforms to no one's imagined screenplay. It wasn't ever a very good relationship. It's not now. I'm very miserable, which may not even be due to what I'm doing here. Maybe that's just how I'm always going to feel . . . recurrently. I'm not always miserable. I have good intervals . . . just not lasting long recently.
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Default Apr 22, 2020 at 03:14 AM
  #340
If he has to go to a nursing home then he has to go to one. You have fought a good fight and taken care of him for how long? I couldn't do what you have been doing. Whether you feel like it or not you have to be one of the strongest people I know.

How are you doing today?

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