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Old 03-30-2019, 12:56 PM #11
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Yes you are putting something in. You're putting your whole self in and have nothing left. Maybe if you stopped caring for him for awhile it might feel like you have "nothing" in your life, but look at it this way: At least you'd have some time to recover. Then when you had finally got some of your energy back you might feel like doing "something" for yourself again.
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Old 03-30-2019, 01:50 PM #12
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

In the past, when I've been going down and down for too long, I've asked myself: "What can I change about my life?" I think I have to change something, even without knowing what the result will be. I've gone on long enough telling myself I have to change me . . . that's getting me nowhere. I have to get myself into different circumstances.

I don't know that putting my bf into a nursing home will help me. Maybe it will even backfire and make me worse off. But I can't keep doing what I'm doing.

I wish I could see around the corner to know beforehand what I'll find, if I turn off the path I'm on and go down a different path. There is no way to see around the corner. I may have to choose a different option with no way of knowing that it won't just make my life worse. That's the awful part. It seems so unfair to be in this position. I have to stop crying about fair verses unfair. Life just is.

Doing what I'm doing is not working out. It might be what is best for my bf, but it's not working out for me. Maybe doing something different won't even be better for me. I just don't know. I probably can't know. Maybe it has to be just a big experiment that might totally fail. But maybe I have to try it. I've done this kind of experiment before when I was desperate. I've gotten surprised that it sometimes landed me in better circumstances - where I got unstuck and was able to move foward in a way that dudn't feel like going down a dead end street. This is very painful to face risking everything getting even worse.

I wonder if the VA might help me, or if anyone would help me. It feels like it's all on me to make sure he is alright. It isn't a concern of anyone's that I'm alright.
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Old 03-30-2019, 02:02 PM #13
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

It's a concern to me - someone you don't even know - but more importantly it should be a concern to you. No one knows you, or your needs at any given time, better than you do, and no one can act in your place, FOR you.

And yes, life is &%$# unfair, and no, you can't know what's around the corner. But yes, I think you're right, sometimes you just have to do SOMETHING, to shake things loose, to get your life moving again. Even if it turns out crappy. Then you can do something else. And so forth.

I think your idea about trying the VA is a good one if your friend is a veteran. It's a place to start, anyway.

XOXOXO
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Old 03-30-2019, 06:16 PM #14
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

After silently sobbing through the making of my last post, I took some pills. I'm supposed to take Ritalin 20 mg once daily in the morning. After not bothering with it for a few days, I found the misplaced vial of Ritalin and took 1 and a half tablets (30 mg.) I was just desperate to experience a "mood alteration." I also threw down a tablet of hydrocodone 7.5 mg. for its mood-enhancing effect. I also started thinking that my idea about putting my bf in a facility for at least a temporary stay is something I'm finally going to give serious consideration. Then I made myself some French toast because I was hungry.

I improved dramatically in a short while. The pills seem to have hit me just right. Their effect can depend on what my mind is doing. 3 hours ago, my thought processes, the Ritalin and the plate of food interacted just right, so that I got a big lift out of the trough I was in. Suddenly, I felt the apathy giving way to me having some interest in straightening up the apartment (though I haven't started yet.) Also, I felt nicer toward my boyfriend. Ritalin makes me "chatty," and I've been talkative with him, in a friendly way. I'm not blaming him as much now, either.

Thanks, Mopey, for listening and sharing some thoughts with me. Sometimes, I think clearer and more productively while writing my thoughts than by just having them roll around in my head. By trying to explain a situation, or a dilemma, to someone else, I sometimes get a better, clearer understanding in my own mind. It helped that you seemed to appreciate that I have been in a dilemma without an obvious, easy solution.

My mind had been closed to doing anything different from how I've been doing, and I was just getting more and more deeply depressed . . . feeling like I'm in an unhappy situation that there is no getting out of, without just ending up more miserable. I feel differently now.

I'm slow to ever claim I've made a breakthrough, but I think I did 3 hours ago. I certainly feel a lessening of distress.

Now I mustn't just enjoy the current mental glow, only to relapse into despair a few hours from now. The glow is already waning (I think Ritalin wears off rather soon.) And I can't pop pills every few hours. As you say, sometimes any change is better than staying frozen in the status quo. If I try one change and don't like the result, I'm not married to it. I see this as a need to experiment. A failed experiment can help you imagine another experiment. An attempted solution that doesn't work can often yield insight that leads to other new ideas. The main thing is to get unfrozen. When we think we've considered all the options, often we haven't. Somethings can't be figured out mentally, in the abstract. Trying to do that is a tendency I have. When I got my first 2-wheel bicycle, I spent days and days sitting outside looking at it. My plan was to try and ride it just as soon as I mentally figured out how one keeps a bicycle from tipping over under the weight of a rider. I never could figure that out. Eventually, my arms and legs figured it out. I still can't mentally explain it.

It might help to talk to talk to my bf's VA support team about me using the "respite" benefit. The VA will pay for him to have a stay. Maybe I might mention it to his children. I know all these parties would encourage me to do whatever might feel right to me. I don't fear any criticism. There would be none. I can't be assured nothing unfortunate might result. But then, anytime I get in my car, I can't be assured some drunk won't T-bone me. That happened one night as I was driving to work. Oddly enough, the outcome improved my life. I wasn't hurt, and I got a much better car to replace the one that was totaled.
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Old 03-30-2019, 07:48 PM #15
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Old 03-30-2019, 08:52 PM #16
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Thanks for your concern. My "glow" wore off. This may be a roller coaster ride for awhile. I will make supper now. I'm not hopeless.
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Old 03-30-2019, 10:16 PM #17
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

The glow may have at least partially been due to the meds. They can help. But their effect by nature is temporary. Please keep going forward, one step at a time. And please keep in touch.

By the way, if I had half your ability to organize my stuff, I'd be happy. Sadly, I'm a natural slob. But I keep trying!

Thanks for the input.
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Old 03-30-2019, 11:30 PM #18
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Yes, I think a med high kicked in, but being physically inactive and accomplishing nothing meant I couldn't build on or sustain it.

I know there are no short cuts to progress. It takes sustained effort.

I am in trouble with how I've been doing things. I should set up my pill box for the week starting tomorrow and try taking all my meds consistently over the next week.

Yesterday showed me that drinking wine in the afternoon doesn't have a good outcome.
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Old 03-31-2019, 02:57 PM #19
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

This morning I took the hydrocodone and Ritalin. Just like yesterday, in a little while I felt pretty good. I cooked my bf a good breakfast.

Now the "lift" is wearing off. I want to go back to sleep, instead of getting stuff done. Maybe, I could use a timer and alternate being productive for just 30 minute intervals with intervals of not having to try. I just can't talk myself into spending a few hours, solid, doing what I need to get done.
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Old 03-31-2019, 06:20 PM #20
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

The idea of the timer sounds good. At least you’d be giving yourself mini- breaks which has got to br better than nothing.

And your idea for the meds, absolutely. It can be so hard to keep track of them even for someone not as stressed as you are, and it does sound as if they’re helping you to keep going.

When my husband was recovering from open heart surgery a couple of years ago at first I was expecting him to keep track of his own meds, but it soon became obvious that he couldnt do it. He was just simply too weak and woozy. So we ended up making a grid for the day with morning and evening and tick boxes for all the many different meds, and it really helped us keep up with the meds.

Come to think of it, I imagine your friend/patient must have a bunch of meds he’s taking, too....
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