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Old 04-01-2019, 01:56 AM #21
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Yeah, he's got oodles of them. When he was independent and self-managing, I too thought he was on top of his meds. He had med boxes and pill cutters and crushers and seemed to have a nice little system. Boy was I deluded. I found him having spells of very low blood pressure. I watched him self-administer meds one day and discovered he was taking 4 times the prescribed dosage of BP medication. Then I further audited what he was doing. It was total chaos. Med bottles containing multiple different pills, various shapes and colors, mingled in together. Taking several dosages of the same med. Still using meds that had been discontinued, along with what replaced them. Using bottles past expiration date. Omitting some meds. He had become absolutely clueless about what to take when. But he was a busy beaver, moving pills from one bottle to another and filling up the compartments of his "pill-minder" boxes and consolidating half-empty containers of pills, pouring what was left in one container into another half-empty container, nevermind that they weren't the same med. I think he arranged the pill-minder boxes based on what colors looked good together. But, if you saw him deftly shuffling tablets around, he seemed to know what he was about . . . until one actually paid attention. By the time you realize that someone has dementia, they've had it for more than a little while.

So I now have all his meds sorted into those week's worth boxes with 28 compartments. He gets what I give him 4 times a day. It's a bunch. Even when I'm depressed, I feel I must not screw up his med regimen. But I've become indifferent to my own meds, except the ones that noticeably impact my mood right away. I can't seem to care.

Well, I texted his family today that I am likely going to take advantage of the respite program for family caregivers. I can call a few facilities tomorrow and maybe visit one or two. I'll notify his VA social worker tomorrow that I'm looking around. All these people have been telling me for a couple of years that I should take some time off. If I don't arrange this myself, I may wind up becoming unglued and, then, someone else will arrange it. I don't think becoming an unhinged, babbling idiot who just can't cope anymore is really what I want to reduce myself to.

I'm sleepy now. Tomorrow is another day.
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Old 04-01-2019, 10:08 AM #22
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Attagirl, Rose.
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Old 04-02-2019, 04:38 PM #23
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

I know now that I've got to find my bf a bed in a nursing home, whether that be temporary or permanent. I can't sustain what I've been doing. I've unraveled.

The problem is that moving ahead with this plan takes energy and work. I'm depleted. The attendant is here now. Since she arrived, I've been in bed. First that was to get some needed rest. Now I'm just under the covers hiding. I know that's childish.

I need something to eat. Just like the other day. When very stressed, I don't eat. Being hungry has always made me much less able to cope.

So I'll eat. I think I'll also take those two meds that make me feel better. That will be temporary, but I need some help, even just chemical. Anything to not feel so overwhelmed and defeated.

If I traveled in circles where I ran into drug dealers, I'ld be looking to purchase substances-of-abuse. I see why people go in that direction. Life can get to seem impossible. Any way to feel better soon can seem like what a person wants. Alcohol is no good because it makes me tired. I have to find the Ritalin and take one. Plus I'm sore. I have to take a pain pill. And I have to eat.
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Old 04-02-2019, 06:37 PM #24
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Yes, please do eat. And something nutritious. And please do take your pills. And please please go forward with your plans to get your bf care elsewhere. I’m really relived to hear that you’re going to get yourself some well deserved rest.

Do I hear a “Yes, Mother?”
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Old 04-02-2019, 07:32 PM #25
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Omg Rose, that would be comical what he was doing with his pills, if it werent so dangerous!

Maybe this respite care can be set up as a recurring thing in the future? Im glad too to hear youre doing it.

I have a can of tunafish and a slice of mestermacher rye bread every morning. Its kind of a weird breakfast but i figure its nourishing.
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Old 04-02-2019, 09:36 PM #26
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

I ate and took my pills. They provided that nice temporary lift that's fizzling out now.

He's in need of extra care tonight. I'll manage okay. He keeps developing more problems on top of his old ones. It's outpacing my ability to keep up. I'm not as young as I was when he first started needing care, which wasn't young either. He's lucky he got as much out of me as he did.

Aging is taking a toll on me too. Today I can just about walk on my left foot - Achilles tendinosis. Tomorrow I have to take him to the VA for some tests.

I better put some calls in tomorrow and make appointments to visit some facilities on Thurs. when I don't have a busy day. At least, I've made a decision. Something in me snapped, and I know I have to arrange other care for him. I'm resigned to that, and I'm resolved to proceed. There's risk involved. He's not going to get great care . . . not in the Medicaid-reliant dumps in the backward state where I live. I'll visit and do some hygiene and wound care. But I'm going to do some letting go. Till now I really never have. I'll have to. I'm just spent. More mentally than physically. Part of that is him not being the most cooperative or responsible person to care for. Some of the results of that are going to have to be on him.
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Old 04-02-2019, 10:34 PM #27
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Yes, I'm afraid that's true, Rose. It won't be 100% comfortable for you because you are a giver. But you are human and you can only take so much punishment. Hope you get some sleep.
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Old 04-03-2019, 11:08 PM #28
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

I made salad and cooked fish. I served dinner. I offered companionship, as we ate watching evening television that we like. Soon as he eats last bite on plate, he likes dirty dish removed. I take away the dishes to kitchen. I start to scrape dishes and clean kitchen. He lets out a loud moan. I respond. He wants TV shut off and his bed prepared and various lights put out.

I'm hurt. Before I can even clean up after supper, he is ready to be attended to so he can get settled for the night. I tell him, "I'm not a servant to be dismissed after the meal . . . then summoned for your next need."

People eat together. Then they spend part of the evening together. One is allowed some time to clean up. Then one is encouraged to relax, before going on to the next caregiving task. I'm not someone he hired. He forgets who I am.

This is why I'm falling apart. It is not the work. It is being regarded as though I were a household appliance.

It feels awful.
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Old 04-04-2019, 12:19 AM #29
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

Maybe he doesnt know whats going to happen next when you leave the room, he just knows that hes alone. And his cognition at this point is such that he cant initiate things very well for himself? Or maybe thats his new normal - after dinner, he needs to start moving towards bed. If he dilly dallys for an hour, he wont have the strength to get to bed?
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Old 04-04-2019, 12:56 AM #30
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Default Re: Burned out and depressed.

There is some truth in all those things, Luna.

I ask myself am I being unfair. Maybe I grieve for when things were different.

But I've been around a lot of people with dementia, many worse than his. Lots of them could convey some appreciation.

To be fair, he does get confused when he can't see me. Sometimes he would call my cell phone when I was still in the house. He never, ever did have much understanding about helping another person's morale.
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