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unaluna
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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 08:54 AM
  #61
Well, rose, you know ive always thought well of your advice. It still holds!
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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 04:10 PM
  #62
Thank you so much for your inspiring posts, Rose76! You're helping out A LOT more people than you believe simply by writing all of your wise, wonderful posts! I agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given lots of great, kind, useful, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you need it and if you want to! Most importantly, PLEASE DON'T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP! We all need someone to help us when we need it and there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG wiht that! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Please keep us updated as much as you can and want and take GREAT care of yourself, ok? You deserve it after EVERYTHING you've been through! Take your time to rest, take good care of yourself and your own home and meet up with other people you like! We all care about you here! We all love you here! Feel free to vent and to write as much as you need and want! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! You're helping out A LOT more people than you think you are just by writing all of your experiences down, including me! Thank you SO MUCH for that! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Sending many hugs to you, Rose76!
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 08:01 AM
  #63
I went in the transport van to the nursing home with him last evening. I'm pleased with the nice room he has there. Then I had to figure out Uber to go back to the hospital for my car. Came home and ate.

I feel like I just barely made it to this point, where I can stop being like a machine trying to function. Staff at nursing home were nice.

I feel asleep in a chair in living room. Now I will get some more rest.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 12:44 PM
  #64
Please do.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 03:26 PM
  #65
(((((((((((( Rose ))))))))))))

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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 05:45 PM
  #66
(((((Rose)))))
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 12:30 AM
  #67
Well, he's adjusted pretty well to being at the nursing home. What helps is that he is getting some rehab, which gives him something to do. The therapy means that more people interact with him. The staff have been nice to him and to me.

I am tired now. I can sleep, knowing he's got someone checking on him. It's not all on me.

I've had a problem with Achilles tendonitis making my heel hurt after walking for any length of time. Helping him up and down and from here to there makes my heel hurt more. I did some of that when I visited him. I've done a lot of running back and forth to the hospital and, now, the nursing home. At some point, I've got to be looking after me and getting caught up on neglected things at home. I think it's time to start that.

I worry if the thermostat in his room is adjusted right and if he's got the channel he wants on the TV. It's occurring to me that there are staff there to help him, and they should be able to handle those things. And he should be able to ask for help from them, instead of just wanting me to come in and fix everything. I'm supposed to be getting a break, some rest and "catch up" time. I've brought in lots of clean clothes and other things. I'm very tired and, tomorrow, I should have time for what I need to do. I think I need to back off a bit from worrying about every little thing for him.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 12:43 AM
  #68
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 01:34 PM
  #69
[I worry if the thermostat in his room is adjusted right and if he's got the channel he wants on the TV. It's occurring to me that there are staff there to help him, and they should be able to handle those things. And he should be able to ask for help from them, instead of just wanting me to come in and fix everything. I'm supposed to be getting a break, some rest and "catch up" time. I've brought in lots of clean clothes and other things. I'm very tired and, tomorrow, I should have time for what I need to do. I think I need to back off a bit from worrying about every little thing for him.]

I absolutely support you in heading in this direction, Rose. To my mind, it's inspiring. It's healthy. It's the best thing in the world for you.

But that doesn't mean it's easy. You've spent so much time in taking care of his needs that it's consumed all of your waking (and probably sleeping!) hours. It'll take some time to get used to. But while you're still devoting yourself to his needs, just try and devote some time to your own as well. You may have to make a real effort to do this at first, because it probably won't come naturally to you, because you're a giver.

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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 04:52 PM
  #70
I pivoting toward the care of me. He's adjusting. My sore heel is swollen. I plan to drop by this evening briefly. But it's silly for me to aggravate my sore heel, when he is surrounded by strong young women who can easily provide the physical assistance he needs.

He's already adjusted better than I thought a few days ago was going to happen.

I'm awful tired. Think I'll lie down awhile.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 06:34 PM
  #71
What do you do for your tendinitis? Ice? Elevate? Rest? Compression of some kind?
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 10:10 PM
  #72
Indocin is a prescription anti-inflammatory drug that did wonders for my heel 4 years ago. I got a new prescription for it that I'm starting to take. Also I'm staying off my feet today. (I didn't even take trash to the dumpster at the apartment complex, as that was too far to walk.)

Most boldly, on my part, I did not visit at the nursing home today. On the phone, my bf told me that was okay and to take care of myself. In the next breath, he told me the n. home is a crap hole, and no one there will do anything for him. I explained he has to ring his call bell and ask for what he needs. (He prefers that all his wants and needs should be anticipated. This is what he's used to here with me.) I said he should try to make the best of it where he is for now.

This is continuation of a pattern that's gone on for many years, since we met. He tells me he's in dire straights and needs rescuing. Then I ride in like the cavalry, bugles a-sounding and regiment colors flapping in the breeze. Yes, we tend to create our own predicaments. I taught him to have these expectations. I conditioned him to rely on me solving every problem.

Example: If I take him to a doctor's appointment and the doctor keeps him waiting for more than 10 minutes past the appointment time, he goes into a meltdown. He demands that I "go get that doctor!" or take him home immediately because it is intolerable for him to be kept waiting. I bring little bags of treats to feed him, while we're in the waiting room, as though he were a child needing to be kept distracted and occupied. It occurs to me now what an enabler of nonsense I've become. He may have some dementia, but I treat him like a baby. When I turn on a lamp to better see what I'm doing, he says "You're burning my eyes with that light!" When I give him insulin, he yells and says "You hit a bone!" I'm never doing things quite well enough. When I ask how he enjoyed a meal I worked hard on, he says "If was alright."

We love and care for each other. There is an endearing side to him I'm not including here. Plus, he puts up with my tongue, which gets sharp. He never stays mad about anything. But I've become like a hamster running in a wheel. Tonight I'm off that wheel, and I don't want to climb back on.

Clearly, our expectations of each other have to be renegotiated.I could not sustain what I was doing.

I'm going to lie down. I'm tired. I can't even stand to have the TV on. All I want is quiet and peace.

Thanks for listening.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 10:36 PM
  #73
You're very welcome, dear Rose. I suppose every relationship has 2 sides to it. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. It's just that hopefully both sides are being helped, supported, and loved. And I'm not just talking through my hat, as they used to say. I've been in plenty of relationships that were not reciprocal, so I tend to recognize them.

I'm not surprised that occasionally you strike out. That you try to speak out for yourself and your frustrations. In a perfect world he could hear that and give you space for them. For your very natural feelings and reactions.

Well, I suppose it would be good if I stopped babbling for now. I'm glad you have a prescription for Inderal that is helping. It can be so painful having problems with joints, tendons, and/or ligaments.

Rest well.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 10:45 PM
  #74
Rose, your guy reminds me of my parents - they never wanted to tell me i did a good job, because then they figured i would stop trying. Unfortunately, that ploy backfired, bigly.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 11:27 PM
  #75
Rose I hope you're doing things for yourself now that your BF is being taken care of. Be good to your self and do something you enjoy. You deserve it.

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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 04:12 AM
  #76
I appreciate getting credited for making important, necessary changes . . . but any pats on the back may be premature. The reality is: Change is hard.

Today was supposed to be the start of me taking better care of me. So how did it end up being so miserable. Maybe I've got to go through some sort of excruciating withdrawal to break the hold my habits have on me. I hope it doesn't last too long. I think I understand why people, including me, tend to stick to what they are used to doing. Change is hard.

It's actually tomorrow already. Hours ago I woke up with acid reflux. I thought I was on the verge of coughing up blood. My day of self-care wound up being me doing next to nothing, except ordering myself a pizza. Which I ate half of, with a little wine. Was delicious. I'm supposed to be on medication for reflux, which fell by the wayside in recent days, along with me doing anything that made sense, in terms of my own welfare. So I woke up choking on acid.

Maybe it's going to take some time to shift gears and refocus my attention.

Another thing is that I've got to let go of the hope that he is going to be supportive of me making any kind of change, if I just explain it to him well enough. I've got to not care that he is going to take any change as me abandoning him.

I better take an antacid and try to sleep. It just occurred to me that Indocin aggravates gastric probkems. That's the med I'm taking for my heel tendonitis. Getting myself better is going to be more complicated than I anticipated.

I'm tired. Tomorrow's another day. My life has become a mess on a number of fronts (but it could be worse.) This is not a matter of: just make some good resolutions, and there you go.

Tomorrow had got to be more constructive. I feel like I'm still under awful stress, and I think I've gotten in the habit of allowing myself to have stressful expectations. My day of rest sure hasn't felt restful.

I feel like I haven't changed anything.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 07:29 AM
  #77
Its a double edged sword - you have the freedom to choose your own path; and nobody cares. The alternative being, someone does care what you do, and your time is not your own. I find it hard to strike a happy medium.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 11:01 AM
  #78
I'm not sure if I am interpreting you right, unaluna, but it sounds like you're advising balance between caring for self and caring for others. If I'm off, correct me.

What I've been doing had me to the point of feeling like I was losing my mind. I can't go back to that pattern.

So I have to make life worth living for myself. My heel still hurts when I walk. It's not bad enough to prevent me doing some housework. The apartment got so messy. I just wasn't keeping up with everything. He tells me I just waste too much time. That's not the whole truth.

I must have some breakfast. Then I must work on this apartment.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 11:14 AM
  #79
Im not advising anyone! Im saying, i cant even take care of myself without feeling like im doing something wrong!

Probably my parents felt the same way.
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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 11:39 AM
  #80
Rose, acushla, I’m very much with Una. As they say, deciding to change is easy; actually changing is hard. Maybe that whole struggle is what it’s all about, who knows?

And I’m familiar with the bind you can get in with musculoskeletal drugs vs gastrointestinal drugs. I wound up with similar problems recently what with arthritic knee vs stomach ulcer. It was Hell.

Please keep talking to us when you can so we know how you’re doing. You dont have to be doing well. You can be climbing the walls, whatever. These things take lots of time, and tiny steps forward and backward.

And listen, Rose, now that you’re easing off a bit with your bf, will you please come and take care of me? You sound like one hell of a personal assistant!
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