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Default Jun 23, 2019 at 07:29 PM
  #201
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Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I've decided to set up the respite option, whereby he goes to a nursing home for two weeks and I get off the treadmill to try and recover. I'm becoming a mess. The apartment is a topsy-turvy mess of stuff strewn everywhere. I don't even keep up with doing the dishes. Kitchen's messy right now. He sleeps 19 hours a day. Maybe he can't help that. But he's got a history of letting me make most of the effort. I'm depleted.
I really hope the break helps you tremendously. You are doing the right thing. You need a break.
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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 09:59 AM
  #202
(((((((((((( Rose ))))))))))))

Hugs, kind thoughts and much respect to you

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Default Jun 24, 2019 at 10:13 AM
  #203
Definitely take a break, Rose76! You're doing so much. You deserve to take care of yourself. Please do that if you can. You have every right to take a break. I admire your strength and determination. Don't let it consume you though! You're worth MUCH MORE than this! YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND YOU MATTER! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please keep us updated on your situation if you can and want to! WE ALL DO CARE ABOUT YOU VERY MUCH! THAT'S A PROMISE! Please take GREAT care of yourself! DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT! Wish you the best of luck in BOTH your healing and your life! KEEP FIGHTING! YOU'RE A STRONG WONDERFUL PERSON AND YOU DO KNOW THAT! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Rose76!
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 09:05 AM
  #204
Thank you all very much.
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 02:06 PM
  #205
I'm in trouble with depression that has me under-functioning to the point where I am neglecting my boyfriend. I'm not getting enough food into him. I'm getting his meds to him late instead of on schedule. He's not complaining. I think he is afraid that I'm on the verge of giving up. He does not want to go to a nursing home.

Days ago I wrote a text message to his VA social worker saying I was coming unglued and would need to get him into a nursing home soon for at least a temporary (respite) stay. During that time I would straighten up this messy apartment and pull myself together. I just found out that the text never went through. I resent it, and it went through. She'll see it on Monday. She can help me find a bed at some facility. We live in a good size city. There's about 10 nursing homes the VA has contracted with.

I'm barely functioning. Just staying in bed most of the day. Get up when he calls me to say he's hungry or needs the bathroom. I'm becoming a disgrace.

Once I get him in somewhere, I'll probably improve. Just going to the facility will help me to wake up. I'll go daily and do part of his care there. But everything won't be on me.

I'm neglecting the responsibility I have toward him. I'm just barely taking care of him. It's like I don't care anymore. This is serious. At least now I 've reached a decision. I know I have to get him admitted to a facility. It can be temporary, with the option to make it permanent, if I feel I can't recover to a normal level of commitment and functioning.

I know this is a dreary story, but I'm really in trouble. I'm losing all respect for myself. I should be making him lunch right now, but I'm in bed just vegetating. In the evening I feel better, but most of the day I'm lazy and useless.

I thought of going to my PCP to say I'm very depressed, but I have no trust in these medical people. I always worry that, if I admit to serious depression, they'll stop my prescription for hydrocodone. Without that I would be in even worse shape.

I've had some bad experiences with doctors over the years, in relation to psychiatric care. They tend to think they have me all figured out when they haven't even gotten to know me. I was in a partial hospitalization program where the pdoc running it said I was an alcoholic and had to be breathylized every morning. My peers took me aside and told me to be more careful about what I would say to staff at this place. Pdocs have come to some really weird conclusions about me that showed little understanding. Another time a pdoc said I had a high propensity for violence. I've struggled with very serious issues. Being drunken and violent didn't happen to be my problems. But these are examples of the bizarre experiences I've had. I feel like there is nowhere for me to go to seek help.

I should try and clean the kitchen or do something. My bf sleeps a lot and talks little, so it is getting very lonely being here with him.
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 02:41 PM
  #206
I don't know that I can help in any way.

One thing you said is sticking out to me. I know you love and care about your s.o.

But you said "i'm neglecting the responsibility I have towards him."

You feel responsible but you are not, in the end. You just want the best end of life care for him, but if you can't do it you can't do it.

Please let yourself off the hook.

I have uncles who just sent my aunts to nursing homes because of alzheimers. They are my mom's sisters. They have dementia, but when I saw them they were not difficult to understand, walking, not serious health issues. It angers me they were sent from their husbands, because the husbands got tired of listening to someone with dementia. My dad did everything he could until the end, yet he lost it with my mother at times. When she was in rehab, for a brief moment she almost seemed happier and adjusted somewhat, remembering residents names. She was no happier when she got home again. Just wanted to sleep. Sorry to go on.... I'm just saying.... there are times when it is justifiable, and absolutely reasonable to put someone into long term care. I believe you have reason to for some time already. He's going to be ok, dive nursing home or not, and you can visit him.

I also hope that you don't drain yourself when he does go for a while. If he missed you for one day, he will be okay. If you don't tackle the whole mess at once, it will be ok. I hope you take time to do something for yourself. Go to a pool, a park, museum, something.... and sleep when you need to.
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 03:33 PM
  #207
Rose - please consider that you are being too hard on yourself. My goodness, look at the load that you are bearing. It’s enough to break anybody...even someone as strong as you seem to be. Thinking of you and hoping the break comes soon.
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 05:11 PM
  #208
Thank you both. I know it is not my obligation to take complete care of him. But if I keep him at home, then I do have to follow through on the care. Otherwise, if I'm not up to it, then I have to turn him over to another source of care. I have to do one or the other.

I do need to lighten up on myself. He could have been sent to a home 5 years ago. I've given him some good years he wouldn't have had otherwise.

A thing I say to help me cope is that I only have to get through one day at a time. Monday I can talk to the social worker. I do have to be let off this treadmill for a spell.

I'm not close with his kids. I'm just not their type. So about every two months I send one of his kids (who happens to be a nurse) a text that summarizes what's been going on with him. I figure she's not interested in listening to me on the phone. So I punch out a text. Wouldn't you think I'ld hear something back - like, "Thanks for the update." I wonder if she even reads these little reports I send. I feel like a fool when I don't get acknowledged. So I'm angry. They know our home attendant quit. So it's just me now. They are so super busy with all that they care about, which allows for just a few crumbs of attention to be thrown in the direction of their father and me. There is just no humanity in their attitude toward me. None of that is new. I won't send any more texts. If they want to know anything, they can call and ask.
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 08:32 PM
  #209
Well, I improved a lot over the past few hours. Showered my bf, vacuumed, cooked dinner. Mornings are awful. Then evenings I can feel quite good. I go through this cycle every day now. I need to get a prescription for Ritalin in the a.m. It seemed to help somewhat.

Posting here seemed to help me. A little encouragement can go a long way with me.
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 12:47 AM
  #210
He's in the hospital. I worry about him. But glad to have some time alone. I'm unraveling lately, just coming apart. It's just too much for me caring for him around the clock. He has a sitter caring just for him. I'm grateful to the VA for that. He's still very sick and confused. But my visit helped him calm down.

Hope I can sleep. There's a lot I need to get done tomorrow. I can't afford to sit around depressed. I wish my family wasn't so far away. I really need him. With worsening dementia, it's like he's not there for me. I can't do everything for him. So he'll go to a nursing home for a week or so. I'll be torn between wanting to catch up on stuff at home and wanting to be there caring for him. It's so awful not having kept up with everything. The apt is a mess. I'm a mess. I just break down sobbing.

Have to take meds. Didn't eat all day. I have to not give in to the morning depression tomorrow. I need help.
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Cool Jul 08, 2019 at 12:52 AM
  #211
Do you ever cry so bitterly that weird chemicals start burning your eyes and nose. And you smell a weird chemical smell like ammonia in your head.

I just have to get through one day at a time.
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 05:44 AM
  #212
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Do you ever cry so bitterly that weird chemicals start burning your eyes and nose. And you smell a weird chemical smell like ammonia in your head.

I just have to get through one day at a time.
Yeah, what is that? Seems like when we were kids, we always or often cried to that point, but as an adult, i havent so much.

Did he go into the hospital for an episode?

How about calling Molly Maid or somebody in?

I know its not much, but we are here for you.
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 06:27 AM
  #213
Hang in there, Rose. Like @unaluna said, we're here for you! You're stronger than you believe. Sending many safe, warm hugs and many good, positive vibes to ALL the people you Love and who TRULY Love you and Accept you for who you TRULY are!
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 02:05 PM
  #214
He's going to a nursing home for 2 weeks - to give me "respite."

It'll work out. I'm sick with a GI complaint at the moment. I'm going to rest till the hospital calls me.

Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot.
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 10:22 PM
  #215
Just got home from the hospital. I'm just sobbing my heart out. I wish I was bringing him home, as the doctors said I could earlier today. But I don't believe I can cope. So I'm getting him sent to a nursing home, just temporarily at this point. But he's so frail. I'm so worried this will push him over the edge, and something could happen to him and I might not even be there. My heart is breaking.

The apartment is a mess. I'm all disorganized. It's the depression. I got depressed and started to neglect things. So I have messes to straighten out. I created them by neglecting things when I've been depressed. I don't even take care of my teeth properly. Too much time in bed lying around, wasting time.

I have to do better. I think today I made the decisions I had to make given where I am now. It's no good thinking what I should have done. Now is now. I have to figure what I can do now.
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Default Jul 09, 2019 at 05:31 AM
  #216
Can't sleep. Awake and feeling so disturbed.

I feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like failure and like I don't want to live.
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Default Jul 09, 2019 at 02:38 PM
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My heart goes out to you Rose. I am a carer for my 87 year old mother. She has multiple health problems, including a benign brain tumour that she is about to start radiotherapy for. Thankfully she is compos mentis, just quite frail. I never married or had children, I am an only child and the small family I have is thousands of miles away, and we've met twice in 50+ years. I used to have a FT job, six figures, lots of travel and responsibility, now I am on the UK equivalent of welfare, living on savings and actively planning my death. I've been depressed for so long I don't know what normal is like. I have no suggestions for you, just sending you love and warmth and understanding from England. God bless you.
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Default Jul 10, 2019 at 08:33 AM
  #218
Thank you LittleCat. I'm doing much better this morning. Being an only child with a parent whose health has failed very seriously must be lonely. I had sisters who took more responsibility than I did with both of our parents. I hope the radiotherapy has a palliative effect for your mom. She's lucky to have you.

Last night I trimmed bushes in prep for a patio inspection that will take place soon at the complex where my bf lives. The physical work did me good. Today I take him to the nursing home. I feel better and think it will all work out.

What keeps me going is telling myself to just get through one day at a time. I'm much less depressed today.
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Default Jul 10, 2019 at 02:12 PM
  #219
So glad to hear you're feeling better, Rose. We saw the consultant today and decided against radiotherapy as it would interfere with her quality of life too much. She would only just be on the threshold of treatment anyway. Sometimes medicine is just a guessing game at the edges. I used to be a doctor. She's been referred to the palliative care team. We're also living one day at a time. I hope your summer is warm and sunny, and that there are beautiful flowers in your garden. Blessings to you.
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Default Jul 10, 2019 at 06:46 PM
  #220
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I think today I made the decisions I had to make given where I am now. It's no good thinking what I should have done. Now is now. I have to figure what I can do now.
Wise.

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