Burned out and depressed.

I had a bad day when I posted above. Getting off the Internet, which I did for 2 days, helped me a lot. Addictively reading and watching videos on my smart phone undermines me getting things done. So I canceled the service. I can still get on using my phones mobile data capability, but that's expensive . . . so it will be a disincentive. This morning I have been on, but I need to stop it.

I found that just getting the apartment in better order helps relieve a lot of my discontent. The I days I cleaned I found caring for my guy easier. I allowed myself to read magazines and look at catalogues, but they don't eat up my time like the smart-phone was doing.

He's getting weaker day by day. I will be happiest, in the long run, if I continue caring for him. It won't go on forever. When be becomes clearly in the final stage of dying, then there are 2 hospice units where he could possibly be placed. They do provide decent care. The VA social worker discussed this with me.

Have to put down this phone. I appreciate the posts I still receive here and the interest shown.

He has an adult child coming in to visit from other side of the country. She'll go straight to hotel. We'll meet up tomorrow. He lived in a small apartment, so he can't put up guests. Last time he had company, I had the apt spiffed up. It's chaotic now. Mostly, we'll meet out at restaurants. But I took him to barbershop and I have him looking good. That matters more.

Visitor will be here 36 hours. I'm barely keeping up with essentials. I hope they enjoy each other.

I hope I sleep tonight, so I'm not tired tomorrow. I'll need energy.

His dementia is worse. Now he hallucinate occasionally and has delusions. But I can talk him back to reality. I was very depressed. But I shook it off to get ready for this visit, but I'm not ready. It'll have to do.

The daughter's visit went okay. She was here 72 hours, not 36.

His dementia has gotten a good deal worse. It gets lonely being with someone who can't hold much of a conversation. I'm realizing now that another hunk of him has recently died.

I read where, in Asia somewhere, they have these restaurants where you can eat fish in an unusual way. The fish swim around in an aquarium near your table. You pick out one you'ld like to taste. The server grabs the fish and removes a hunk of it without killing it. Then the still living fish is thrown back in the aquarium. You get to eat part of the fish, while watching it swim around.

I know that's an awful story to bring up. It just popped into my head. The idea of being alive and functioning with parts missing. I can remember and think about the parts of my bf's personality that are gone - like tasting the fish. But there he is, over in his recliner asleep, alive - but dying and already missing parts. How long will this go on? My God, how long?

I sure fouled up my life when I moved with him so far from both our families. I never envisioned this. He was a lot older than I. Of course, I expected he'ld have failing health long before I would. It never fully occurred to me that he would become, and remain, totally dependent on a caregiver for years on end, crippled in both body and mind. The last time he was able to cook dinner for us was Jan. 2012. That's over 7 years ago.

I guess I figured that, by this stage of my life, I'ld have more money. (It was always clear he wouldn't.) With money, you can hire help. Medicaid will pay for some help, but they pay low, so the help's not that good. I've had no help since before the Summer. I do it all.

Now his dementia has just gotten to where I can't hardly leave him alone. I can't hardly leave the apartment. How long will this go on?

So the daughter was here in the nice hotel with the Jacuzzi and the big swimming pool. I dressed him up and brought him to meet her in the restaurant of her choice. I felt like a hired attendant. She made little conversation with me. After decades being her dad's girlfriend, she knows next to nothing about me. Doesn't know when I was born, or where. Never knew the names of my parents. They were alive during the first 16 years that I was with her father. Isn't it odd that she knows almost nothing about me? She asks about nothing. Yes, sitting in that restaurant, I could have been a nurse's aid she hired for the day - to cut her father's meat and take him to the bathroom.

I feel like saying something to this family. But that would just create unpleasantness for me. His adult kids have all the trappings of successful living. They seem to be fully functioning humans. But there's something almost zombie-like in their lack of having any relationship with me. Or maybe I'm the zombie? Something is so odd that it's spooky.

When will this be over? Then how will I be when it is over, this long vigil? I wonder how I'll do back living alone again.

Don't mind me. I'm just thinking.

Once he's gone, I doubt I'll ever hear from his kids again. I'll be glad of that. I hate this fake relationship I have with his fake kids telling me about the fake love they have for me because of all I do for their dad. Fake hugging and kissing when they come out here. How did I ever surrender myself to this kind of an existence?

Now he's diagnosed as terminally ill. More like interminably. I'm making some kind of a major mistake in figuring things out. If only there were a decent nursing home where I thought he'ld be sort of okay. There isn't. He's been in 3. The results were awful. Here with me he does way, way better.

The daughter showed up after a year for 3 days. I don't expect her to be flying out here a lot. I don't expect her to stay long, when her dad can't even put her up as a house guest. But she could talk to me on the phone once in a while for more than 3 seconds. Now that I have a smart phone, I get texts. "How r u? How is dad?" That's it. That's her contribution to an interaction. I text back a detailed account of his medical status. I should stop doing that. Well, truth is: I am not eager to have her calling me on the phone. She has no interest in talking with me.

While she was here, she was on her phone a lot. At the table in the restaurant - a loud, crowded place with music. (Her dad couldn't hear her.) I tried to make conversation. She whips out the phone and starts texting. "Sorry." she says. Here at her dad's apartment: she kept stepping out on the patio to make and take phone calls. But she's patting herself on the back for making the trip. Here's another thing: If I'ld have been her, I'ld have brought me a present. I had one for her - a prepaid funeral policy. Yes, I managed to save up $6000 of her father's income to put into an irrevocable policy. (He has no assets or insurance, and she'ld been fretting about the cost of burying him.) Her home is worth about $700,000, according to Zillow. Then she wanted one last thing. Her dad had some nice photos in the apartment of her mother and of herself. She wants copies made and sent to her. I'll have to get right on that. And I actually will because that's how I am. (It just occurred to me that, maybe, that was her diplomatic way of saying what she wants out of the apartment when her dad is gone.)

I should go to bed.

I'm sorry for this situation.

The phenomenon of his losing his mind and personality now in "hunks" rather than gradually is fascinating - and worrisome.

Strength and clarity to you, Rose76.

((((((((( Rose76 )))))))))

I'm doing a lot better. Since I can't leave my bf home alone for long, I took him with me yesterday to go shopping at Sam's Club. We actually had fun. He drove the scooter much better than I expected. And we ate lunch there. It did us both good to get out together.

So I feel pretty good now.

I might be about to put my S.O. in a nursing home. Last night I was tortured with "restless leg syndrome" and got 2 hours of sleep. The pulsatile tinnitus in my left ear is banging away so loudly it's like someone striking a cymbal over and over. The house is a complete mess. I can't cope.

This is all adding up to too much. I give up. I can't cope. Plus, things are going to get even worse.

I want to tell someone that I need help. But there isn't any. No one can handle my stuff for me.

I want some doctor to feel sorry for me and give me sleeping pills. But they won't because I'm already on opioid pain medicine.

It has gotten to be too much. I'm in bed and might just stay here. My boyfriend's in the hospital. I just can't cope. All I want is escape.

What are you doing for yourself??? You are not a non-person because you are looking out for him. Respite care if nothing else. My ex has serious complications from diabetes-just doesn’t want to think about it—for 40ys!!! I exercise regularly, have regular coffee dates w friends, trying to get some freelance writing.
So what if he needed something if you weren’t there?Would that be the end of the world? Choose your activities and start doing them. We’r going to watch to see that you do this!!!!!!!

I went to my PCP today. Tomorrow I go for a blood draw to see if I'm anemic. I'm having extreme restlessness at night. That happened 3 years ago. Doctors figured out it was caused by a bleeding ulcer that led to severe anemia. So I am prioritizing my own need for medical attention to address what is either a physical or psychiatric disorder.

I explained this to my bf when I visited Wed. eve. He was nice and concerned.

He's getting pretty decent care at the VAMC.

I might be able to sleep now.

luvyrself, thanks for your post.

Rose, thanks for recommending the unfrick your house book. It validates a lot of what i have been feeling over the years, that i have never seen in writing or tv, or had validated by other people. Esp about anxiety, and about it being a never ending task, and about the roots of perfectionism.

My bf is very sick in the VA hospital. I just came home to sleep, after being there all night. I'm awfully afraid I might lose him. Suddenly the thought of him being gone from me seems so awful . . . more awful than I ever expected it to feel.

For all my complaining, he had one great quality: he loved me. He loved being with me. I stalled getting to the hospital yesterday because I thought he was on the mend. He spent the day waiting for me. Then I got there and he was in delirium. I held his hand all night.

I'm home and scared something could happen while I 'm not with him. But I have to sleep. Please, God, don't take him while I'm not there. I want him to feel my love at the end.

May it be.

How are you Rose? I think of you often.

Since Thurs. I've been sick with cold symptoms. I get feeling better, but next day I feel crappy again. So I've left my s.o. longer in the n. home because I can barely take care of myself. Tomorrow I'll bring him home for sure.

I feel weak and tired. My head feels stuffed. Even my eyeballs hurt.

How are you doing, @Rose76, my dear, sweet, kind, AWESOME and WONDERFUL Friend? It's been a while! I hope things are going at least a bit better for you and for your Boyfriend. Keep us posted if you can and if you want to! We ALL Love You!

He is at home. We're okay. His health continues to go downhill, but gradually. He is weak in the legs and has a hard time standing, so we have a struggle getting him from point A to point B. But we manage. We have a new home attendant, who I think will be a good help to us. I'm making goid progress getting the apratment fixed up nice for Christmas. Tiday I decorate the tree. He will enjoy watching me do that, and he'll make suggestions. I've been in good shape mentally . . . feeling pretty chipper.

Thanks Mickey for your kind words and interest. All in all, I'm pretty content at the moment. I just love the Christmas season. I always feel lifted up this time of the year. Driving after dark, I just love seeing houses decorated with lights. I have to figure out what my bf and I can do together that he will enjoy. He doesn't have much energy, but I can't just let him sleep in his recliner all day. It's a challenge to try and interest him in doing something.

I send Holiday Greetings and goid wishes to all who have followed my threads and given me so much needed support.

(((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))

My bf says he feels okay but something is wrong. I had to turn his oxygen up to 8 liters/minute. That's a lot! We should be over at the ER. If it weren't 2 days ti Christmas, I'ld force him. But he says he has no pain and feels okay and absolutely does not want to go to the hospital. I'm going along with him because I'm afraid it will be too emotionally devastating for him to be dragged from home tonight. He was admitted 4 or 5 times in 2019, plus a couple other trips to the ER. He's a dying man. I know that. He knows that. There comes a point where treatment becomes worse than the disease. I'm not sure we're there yet. He seems to think he is. I have to give some weight to his perception and to his preferences.

His cough sounds awful. But he seems content here at home. So, maybe, this is where he needs to stay.

God bless you both

Strength to you both at this time.