Burned out and depressed.

I woke up after having a nightmare about my s.o. and I being exposed to COVID. I think the virus represented all that I feel threatened by. I feel so threatened. It's a horrible feeling. It's not even really me that's so threatened, but my s.o. who is. I'm just trying to protect him. I feel inadequate to protect him.

(((Rose))) I honestly wish there was something I could do to help other than just listen and offer sympathy. You have so much on your plate that you juggle. I wish you just had someone to lend you a hand even once in awhile so you could just relax and take a breath.

Raindrop - your post above is of more help and consolation than you realize. I am alone here in the apartment. I woke up here in the wee hour full of apprehension about how I'm going to proceed. To see some hugs and your post gives me hope that I don't have to be alone . . . that I have to have some faith in the humanity of others . . . that possibly I'm trying to do too much alone . . . and maybe it doesn't have to be that way. In short: kind responses here inspire me that I'm not alone in an empty universe.

I do need a hand. This apartment is a mess. I had been unable to keep up with the 24 hr caregiving, housekeeping, cooking and shopping. I became badly disorganized. Later today someone is coming to help me with some chores. I need to embrace getting that help, which means looking at possibilities in a new way. I try to do too much singlehandedly. I'm floundering on the rocks here.

Sometimes mercy breaks through the clouds. Before COVID the VA offered to pay for an agency to send some real nurse's aids to help me care for my friend. Unlike the "home attendants" that we've had (who don't have much caregiving skill) these persons was able to do a lot. Then when COVID hit, we stopped having this new better help. I tried to do everything myself and got overwhelmed. Then my s.o. lost his ability to stand, so I had to have help to get him in my car to go to see his oncologist. I let one of the aids come back. She was only supposed to show up on a very limited basis, controlled by her agency. But she and I got a bright idea. She was largely unemployed, or underemployed. I could pay her privately to be here when I need her, for what I need her for. (We're not supposed to do this, but I had to think outside the box.) My s.o. is still in the hospital. In a few hours this nurse's aid is coming to help me with household chores and errands. I have bad tendonitis in a few places that limits what I can do physically. This person is young, healthy, strong and good at "heavy lifting." She can help me clean the patio, so as to be in compliance with the demands of the apartment complex manager, so my s.o. doesn't get an eviction notice. When he was more well, he started a small garden of rose bushes that have become overgrown and messy looking. I tried to incorporate gardening into my schedule, but I couldn't keeo up. Management here got stricter about the appearances of patios, so now my s.o. is one notice away from being in trouble for having bushes grown to over 5 ft in height and a patio strewn with pots and implements. I have to clear all that up. Today I will have a helper who can lighten my load. She can earn some needed cash in return. My s.o. can readily afford to pay for me to have this help. I just didn't know how to recruit it. Then this capable person apoeared at the door. I need to make the most of finding her.

Delegating doesn't come naturally to me. I better learn quickly how to do it. My new helper said something smart: "While your s.o. is in the hospital, I could help you with laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping. We could get so much done during this time that he's not here needing constant attention." That's the plan for today. I've got to sort out the confusion that surrounds me. I'm scared I'll fail . . . that it's too overwhelming. I guess one breaks a big job down into smaller jobs and knocks them out of the way, one hour at a time. A lot can be done in an hour. I have to get passed the paralysis of depression.

Stuff piled up because I couldn't keep up all on my own. COVID came to town and I tried to do that. Like the rest of the country, I've got to "open up." I need hired help. My new helper is careful about COVID precautions. I have to trust her a bit. That requires a changed mindset, on my part. I've gotten so overtaken by fear and dread. I hope I can change.

I had help today - 2 people. They got some heavy lifting done. The patio is now compliant with the apt complex manager's nit-pickin demands. No reason now to fear an eviction notice getting slapped on the door.

Got through another day. Eliminated a pressing problem. Tomorrow he comes home. I will have a helper tomorrow who is a big help. I'll get through tomorrow. I just have to keep going.

My sweetheart died in my arms this morning here at home. Despite the turmoil in our togetherness, we loved each other very much. I am already missing him terribly.

I'm sorry. No words can suffice.

Oh, Rose. Its like he waited for the last real Memorial Day. And you were able to be with him, as you had hoped. At least there is that comfort.

I hope the next few days, dealing with his children and the VA, etc, are not too difficult.

Thank you both above for keeping an eye on my thread. His family and mine are all 2000 miles away. So I don't have the natural supports of having family close by. But I knew I would be quite alone when this day came. I think I can handle that. Then COVID makes everything so different and abnormal. His family have been caring toward me. I guess I will fly back there. I guess there will be some kind of getting together and some kind of a wake. His daughter in NY just told me there would not be a normal funeral service . . . no funeral Mass. That will seem strange. I've always liked going to funerals. I've always liked the quiet conversations I would have with family members at the funeral parlor and then afterward at a reception after the burial. His daughter had very nice plans all laid out. Then COVID changed everythjng. I think protecting the health of the living is paramount.

I have to try and sleep now. One way or another, everything will work out. I have a sister who will look after me wben I get back there. It will be good to see my family that I haven't seen in 6 years.

Grief is tough, but I've never found grief as bad as depression. Both of my parents passed away, and I went through normal grief with those losses. I'm in pain now, but I'm not depressed. As long as I don't get into a trough of depression, I'll be able to cope. I truly believe life still holds possibilities for me.

Right now I need to sleep.

My condolences on your loss.

Thank you.

Finally, the phone calls stopped long enough for me to sleep.

Now I am awake and surrounded by his absence. I have to fight off depression or I will be in trouble. I need to take a shower. I need to make a list of things to do tomorrow.

Never made it to the shower. Fell asleep. Been awake for a little while. Need more sleep.

Today my boyfriend's family put a bunch of stress on me. A year ago, I had his suits dry cleaned. I laundered and ironed his best shirts. I wanted to carefully box these things and send them to his daughter. She told me not to. She planned to buy a navy blue suit that she wanted to pick out. Fine. Now today I hear the family wants me to send clothes for the funeral. So I gathered up a bunch of stuff, including shoes, sox, ties, underwear suits blazer jacket and dress pants. It cost me over $400 to pay FedEx to box and ship this stuff to arrive the next day. - tomorrow.
I even put an enveope with a thousand dollars in it that tucked in a breat pocket of a jacket. I said if you don't like these clothes, buy a new suit.

I felt they kept putting things on me.

I missed going to my PCP to get my prescription for Vicodin. So i have to rush to get that in the morning. I was hoping to fly on the plane transporting my boyfriend's body. That could be anytime tomorrow. Could be early.

Calls and texts went back and forth. I said the were inconsiderate for asking me now to box up clothes. Finally I called my bf's daughter at 10 pm. our conversation got to be a crying competition. one of us hung up. Next I got a call from her husband telling me to never call his wife again. So I'm now a Piece of crud in there book.

So I don't see me going to this funeral, or whatever they do in NY.

I've had blowups with this daughter before. She offen calls months later apologizing.

So now this daughter is disgusted with me
Her husband called me to tell me never bother her again. Well I sure wont.

Do I guess i'm not wanted at this funeral.

now i'm going to sleep. II've never beem able to feel very welcomed by this famly.

After gettkng yelled at last night, I think I am better stsying sway from tbem.

i am so sorry for your loss. you did so much for your boyfriend. my deepest condolences

His family should appreciate you more because of all the things you did for him. They will not change between now and the funeral. Perhaps you will all go your separate ways after the funeral. Some of the funerals I have experienced were crazy. Given how his daughter acted during the phone call, she is likely to be a piece of work during the funeral.

Do you want to go to the funeral? Usually there are some people at every funeral who act respectfully to all that you can mix with. I tended to quickly express my sympathy to everyone related or connected to the person who was lost and then find a quiet group to mix with. If you decide not to go--my POV is that funerals are for the living, not the dead. You honored him by the way you treated him when he was alive. He will always be a part of you. When you are with someone for 35 years, they were the most influential person in your life. It is terrible if his family is not acknowledging that. If they aren't, I hope they see the error in their ways; however, emotions run very high during funerals.

Thank you , Tunedout.

I thought they would be warmer toward me. They never have been.

I am so very sorry for your loss and dealing with his family doesn’t help. Hugs

Those jerks, Rose. (Meaning his family) With all you did for their kinsman.

I booked my flight for tomorrow. I'll fly on the planes that carry my loved one's body . . . all the way to Newark - 2000 miles. I had thought to go to my bf's son's home. I don't want him having the hassle of coming fown to Newark from Rockland Co. Nor has he offered to pick me up. I wonder what shuttle service might be in that area. I'ld like to see if there is any affection in that family for me.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. You did so much for him. They are very ungrateful to you and are showing their true colors.