Need to be Numb.

My walls were rebuilt and a blanket of pure numb logic covered me inside. Then today happened. This morning happened. Funny how seeing a person you really care about can do that. I simply looked into his eyes and had to choke back tears. I actually felt something. I had actual emotions instead of autopilot. While I was with him, I managed to hold onto all of the negative thoughts/feelings that I knew would consume me as soon as he left. And they did.

I've been ****ing miserable today. Normally, I just get high to deal with it and, don't get me wrong, I did. And I felt numb, again. My blanket was back and my walls held steady. But there's something about today. Obviously the high wore off and now I'm back to feeling all of this, with the thoughts steadily flowing through (some sticking so I can be tortured a little more). It's not that I've been doing better, I simply haven't hardly been sober for weeks, so how could I feel anything?

I'm slipping back into old habits and I'm not sure I give enough of a **** to stop it. I mean, I'm getting exactly what I'm so desperate for: Being numb and absent from life. This isn't the life I want to live. The thing is, I don't even want to live. If I have to, then I can't afford to feel a damn thing. People need me, people rely on me and I can't function unless I am numb. That doesn't even necessarily mean I need to get high to live. My emotions need to leave until I can handle them, and I can't right now. I don't know where they're gonna go, but they can't stay up at the forefront.

Maybe that's why I'm writing here again, afterwards I get to be numb because I almost always am after I write it all out.