Week #5

Today is the first day of week 5 at work.

Work went pretty well even though some people really bring out the worst feelings in me. but i try to keep professional with everyone in any situation. maybe its impossible and not in the human nature, but i try very hard at least. anyway, as the first day of the week, i was rested, more focused and more willing to prove myself i AM improving even if slowly. it worked out pretty well. the mind is a powerful tool. i didnt let the first difficulties to ruin the day and make me feel totally incompetent. i actually tried to see my doubts as a sign of intelligence. its hard but i try and i think this is the best way to go about my feelings of inferiority and incompetence.

Also, too bad i didnt get to keep my resolutions about food. i've been gulping down more chocolate than ever. maybe i was trying to see if i would have gotten nauseated with it so that i would have stopped eating it - and it happened for a few hours but then i would crave it again. maybe the opposite will work. if i dont eat any of it, i'll get used at living without it. this too happened in the past so i'll try. i hope.

Also, i cooked for myself. the result was barely edible, but at least i tried something new. im proud for even trying. maybe next time i'll do better.
I've also thought about going back at the clinic and about my T and exT. but im not ready yet to go down the abyss.

Actually something stranger happened today. i've started thinking/fantasizing about how it would be to have feelings for my coworker. i dont feel i already have them, i only like him, but for the first time i thought i could have feelings. that it could be possible. up to now it was unthinkable. i dont want to have feelings for anyone, i dont want to love anyone, it would be too hard, too complicated, too risky and just plainly impossible for a lot of reasons. but the thought of it kind of comforted me because then it means im a bit more normal than i thought….

((((((Sinking))))) "Barely edible" sounds like my cooking! LOL

(((((((( sinking ))))))))

Thank you for not leaving me alone

Today at work was harder. i felt like it was friday, with a whole week on my shoulders, while it was only tuesday. i couldnt focus much even though i still think im slowly improving. tomorrow will be harder. i mean, i'll have the afternoon free (to see T and then im going at my parents to feed the cats and sleep there while parents are away for 3 days) but i'll work 6 hours straight. the last 2 hours of wednesdays are always heavy, as the last hour of every other day is.

i've felt like crying for no reason, maybe out of tiredness. im taking less meds than i should, i tapered them once again this sunday and even though its what i want, (both for physical issues and because i do want to end up in hospital or in the clinic), it makes my days harder. im more tired, less rested. but thats what i want, my way to SH now that i've stopped (?) (no decision made) with the real SH, so i guess i just have to suck it up.

i've still thought about my coworker but less. i do not want to end up involved in any relationship with anyone. it would only end up with a lot of sufferance for both and make my sui harder, so i do not want it. same reason is for not wanting a baby. and its getting late for me. im 37 already. but i know my life is doomed.

to change subject, it was very hard and i was craving chocolate so bad (and still am) but i made it. so today is day #1 chocolate free. i did eat a lot of sweets and candies but not chocolate. calories were the same though, so im not sure its worth the hassle but im trying. i dont know what to do anymore with this food issue it runs my life. it ruins my life. im tired of it. tired of everything that goes on in my mind. sometimes im really SO tired but no action follows. so i guess i'll just have to keep complaining and wait for when i'll be ready to act. hopefully soon...

Please, keep complaining, dear Sinking. Complaining is a sign of life! Hang in there.

Thank you Mopey, yes i'll keep posting. my intention though is not to complain but to feel less lonely and kind of journaling for as long as it helps.

Today was a "full" day. after work, paying my bills and therapy, i came home, took a shower and cuddled with my cat while watching tv series. i ate and then came here. my parents are away on vacation for 3 days. this means i get to sleep here at their home since i should come here anyway to feed the cats. im so happy about this break of the normal routine if it is for something better than usual. i surely sleep better here.

Work went quite well, but as im taking less meds its harder because i feel tired as soon as i open my eyes in the morning. nevermind, im doing it to myself. i'll get used to it… or not. im free to change my mind at any time anyway. im just keeping myself updated with the effects of what im doing.

today is day #2 chocolate free. i was SO tempted to go in the market and get a packet of my fav chocolate but i resisted. i didnt substitute it with much sugar from other foods, and i ate less calories, so i did better than yesterday. i even told my T, since this chocolate thing was really obsessing me and i couldnt think of much else. i hope im on the right path now and i'll continue counting but with less obsessing.

in T we did talk about meds and work. we should have a meeting with the HR to assess my situation (they pressured me to ask for a part time but im not giving up the full time!), but i feel everything is going well since i've learned to dose my energies and im doing a lot better. my T underlined how my practicing professional sport for 15 yrs when i was younger is helping me now. i totally agree because its just about biting the bullet and training your mind and body to do better. its mathematical. it really is all about training! whether it is body, mind or both. now at the end of the working days my mind and body are really doing better than a month ago. and i hope i'll keep improving.

the most important issue we brought up in T is "who am i with the meds and who am i without the meds? which one is the "real" me?". i tend to think i am more me without the meds (thats also why im slowly tapering them and will eventually quit them). T started talking about how desperate and needy and looking for help i was when we met (and i was not taking the meds). i have memory gaps but i do remember how bad i was doing. she said she thinks i do not feel good when i am in places like that. i agreed, but i also said i know that i need it for my plan to get completed. all my life has been set on that plan. i'll never give it up. for nothing and nobody ever! (which in turn though, keeps me from having relationships or babies).

i keep "journaling" here because it helps me feeling less alone and it helps me to pinpoint and focus on some things i need to explore better alone or with my T. i usually tell her pretty much the same things im posting about here, only that we go deeper.

like, i told her about my fantasizing about that coworker and as i was talking she pointed out how much deeply my CSA is still impacting my life. she was surprised by the depth of it. i stated again and again that i do not want to have feelings for anyone and that im mad at myself for even having that innocent thought. she was pleased to hear she was right. that i cannot control everything that goes on in my mind, in my heart or in my life. sometimes things just happen. i know she's right and thats why im even more mad at myself and i feel i should stop talking with him to avoid any complications but i find myself feeling like talking to him and getting to know him better anyway (just found out he doesnt seem to have a wife, gf or else). it just makes the day more pleasant. having a new interest instead of chocolate! anyway, i was thinking, even if something between us would happen, i guess what i really want is an exclusive friendship. kissing/sex/living with him (or anyone else) does not appeal me at all. a woman coworker shared with us that she is together with her partner for 26 years but not living together. i guess i could like something like that too, if anything at all.

anyway, we ended the session saying im in a positive break (from my usual mood). that we both know it wont last too long so i better enjoy it. knowing that it wont last too long is comforting me and does give me the push to do try and enjoy it for as long as it lasts. during "breaks" i always had the most significant normal experiences so i'll try to learn something from this one too. (but i still and always feel inferior to anyone when it comes to relationships experiences).

ps. i dreamed about my exT tonight. the dream was so vivid. as almost always, when i dream about Him, its a bad dream. i either dont get to have my session with Him for various reasons (whether its my fault or His), or i do get to see Him but he transforms himself in some sort of a dentist or in my abuser. in tonights dream we met on the street and we were supposed to go up in his office but the place became like an hotel with infinite rooms and we lost sight and i kept running into rooms trying to find Him but i never got to see Him. i knew he was trying to find me as i was trying to find Him, but we never found each other. stressed and exhausted, mentally and physically, i threw myself on the floor because i was feeling dizzy and like having a panic attack. then i woke up. i do not understand why my dreams about Him are so often bad dreams while in reality He is the best help i've ever had and still have. im not going to try and analyze this dream or other (rarely) recurring dreams about Him. i'll just say they only make me miss Him even more… im glad i'll se Him in 3 weeks...

Keep fighting, sinking! I'm glad you're writing down all of this. It's really good for your own health! Keep venting here as much as you need and want. We won't judge you! I promise you that. Please remember that. Good job on your chocolate! I'm sure you'll feel better about yourself if you'll be able to eat it a bit less. If you're feelings bad or tired, please do consider increasing your meds. That's just my opinion, though. The final decision is up to you. You're a strong, wonderful person. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Sending many hugs to you, sinking

[Thank you Mopey, yes i'll keep posting. my intention though is not to complain but to feel less lonely and kind of journaling for as long as it helps.]

Absolutely, Sinking. And I must beg you to make allowances for my sense of humor, which I know is extremely regrettable and has gotten me into all kinds of trouble, but I've never succeeded in getting rid of it. Sadly, it seems to be a permanent part of me.

I'm always wishing you well and enjoy hearing about your days. And I know firsthand how writing and journaling can help. Do keep it up!

Thank you for reading me and accompanying me in my journey. it really means a lot to me.

Today was a pretty much flat day. work keeps going ok, not great and not a nightmare, just ok. im getting used to it. i guess i could say i have done a good job with training myself with it. now i can see why and how i got at being at week #5 straight at work. i dont feel more competent but better at handling difficulties and i've also been very lucky not getting calls from too many unpleasant people. luckily i've also gotten to finish in time with my schedule and thats also a big positive. i think sleeping at my parents is also a big help in making me feeling this week easier (if not quicker) than last week.

i keep thinking a bit about the coworker and enjoying his company but im not excited at the thought of seeing him and im glad about that. as i said, i dont want to have feelings for him or anyone else. but he already is kind of special to me, meaning that he got to interest me, even if just a little bit. and i do want him to like me. i dont quite know how to handle this.

today is also day #3 chocolate free. today was worse than yesterday since i had cravings that i suppressed by eating a lot of anything else with a lot of calories. it made me doubt about my plan on being chocolate free to make it easier. its not really that easier when i go home and i have nothing else to do but thinking about chocolate! but i'll keep trying for a little longer. its only 3 days after all!

what else? i did go to take my meds at the clinic and once again i was scared they would find out im cheating them. i really dont like it but i dont feel like i can tell them the truth. i can say it only to my T since she does nothing about it and lets me free of doing whatever i want (not that she could do something about it anyway!). i still wake up tired and not feeling fully rested after 10 hours sleep due to having decreased the meds dosage but i want to find out who i really am without meds and i'll get there, sooner or later.

i dont think i'll ever have again feelings of failure for not having a normal job and not living alone at my age since i got to accomplish that. but i certainly could feel that they both mean nothing/are worthless and i still dont have (and wont have) what matters the most in life (imo): love, husband and kids. i'll just have to wait for the down time to come back again. and i'll welcome it. cant wait actually. but for now im too focused on making the best out of what i do have.

last note about my exT: i must tell Him next time i see Him that i do not understand how He gets to change my life with only 1 session (1 in about every 3 months) and saying just a few (but very felt) words. maybe its me and not Him, but i do think He is magic. He is God to me!

(((((((((( sinking ))))))))))

People like your X-T are rare, aren't they, Sinking? We must thank God for them. I'm glad you have someone like that. Many people don't.

Yes Mopey, exT is SO Special. im so lucky for having met Him. im working on what im going to tell Him next time we meet for session.

So basically today is last day of week #5 at work. it went quite well. i caught myself making a mistake and solved it. i did do the bare minimum required but dosing my energies is helping a lot both with having a better consideration of my job and with my own wellness (physical and psychological).

there still is the weekend but weekends are so pleasant, they dont really count in my struggle to survive the week. they are a reward. this week was easier though, since i got to sleep at my parents' all week except for 2 nights.

Today i tried to show my coworker i do care about him, because i really do (in spite of not wanting it). he was having a medical appointment. He didnt tell me what it was about and i didnt want to be intrusive so i didnt ask, but i wished him good luck when he went and asked him if he was ok when he got back. he was. maybe its not everything right 100% but he said he felt much more relaxed because he was so tense before going. its really not like me (except for some exceptions i made over the years) to ask and show interest in someone but it does feel good. i just dont want to be the only one who shows interests (now talking about someone else who hurt me with her silence). i cant always be the only one making contact/efforts. right?

Anyway, today i did better with food since i keep gaining weight and i MUST put a stop to it. still no chocolate (day #4 chocolate free). i've thought maybe the best thing would be eating that chocolate once every day, as part of my routine. it would not be so hard to keep from eating it during the day since i'll know i'll get to eat it again the day after and the day after and so on for as long as i want it, and it would stop me from bingeing whenever i'd feel i could interrupt the chocolate free days. maybe having it part of the routine would help. maybe thats the best way to go. i'll start on monday.

tonight im seeing my friend. we're going to eat chinese. im happy to see her and spend a relaxed night with her. she is nice and its always pleasant to see her. i cant believe another week has passed since i last saw her last friday. and im SO glad im going at my parents tonight, i'll see and cuddle with the cats and i'll get to be with them a bit. i'll watch a LOT of NEW tv series. my brother will come home this sunday. im not happy about it (he talks too much and i feel confused with all that noise) but i'll try to stay positive….

Congratulations on getting through the week and arriving at Friday. And have a good time with your friend.

hugs

Today went by and i kind of felt like i didnt exist. i didnt feel alive.
i slept until 3pm and woke up so rested but a bit foggy (took more meds yesterday night exactly to sleep more and better and it worked even too much!).

watched tv series, my dad helped me with some forms we needed to fill out online (insurance, getting PINs, money stuff) that i heatedly HATE (and we are not done with them yet, to finish all the paperworks it will take at least 1 more month!), and now im back on tv e pc (downloaded more tv series).

my cat slept with me and tomorrow i'll have a few more annoying stuff to do. with my parents its going ok.

yesterday night went well with my friend. we had a good time and talked about always the same stuff. about my work, about her job hunting and we did talk about food too. i told her about my issues with chocolate (day #5 chocolate free!) and she said that if i restart eating chocolate it creates addiction and i'll tend to crave it more. i dont know. maybe i should fix 1-2 days a week for eating chocolate and not every single day?

i also thought about my coworker. i'd like to have his cell number to…. i dont know? chat a bit? but maybe its better if things stay this way.
now more tv, dinner and sleep again (but tonight im not increasing the dosage again cause i'll need to wake up earlier to have lunch with my complete family - my bro too)…
weekends are so resting but a bit empty too… im still thinking about exT and what i'll need to tell Him, but i do have time for that. i'll see Him in a bit less than 3 weeks. i need not to stress over it. i DO have time for that!

Sounds good. Have to agree chocolate is pretty awesome. Once you've experienced it it tends to sink its teeth in pretty deep. My favorite is See's, but I doubt you've got See's in Italy.

Mopey, i've never seen See's chocolate here but i also tend to buy always the same stuff so even if we had it here i'd probably not have seen it. at the moment im stuck with "Mars". do you have them there? i also love Nutella, Twix and the american "Ahoy's chocolate chips cookies". i adored them while i was living there! too bad we dont have them here in italy.

today was ok. i "worked" more than i intended to though. firstly i woke up too EARLY, (even with the DST change), which i dont like at all. i alone, had a nice breakfast (typical of Easter coming) and i watched only 2 tv series episodes. then i worked on pc, dvds and hard disk to save on the external memory all the stuff i had saved on dvds. its not hard work, its not hard to do, but it took me almost the whole day. and im not done with it yet! and have so much more to work on pc!

lunch was nice with my brother coming here. we ate our favorite pasta (carbonara) and a small dessert too (tiramisù). my brother didnt talk too much (not to me anyway) and i was thankful for that. then we watched my parents' pics from the mountains where they were these days and even if its quite boring to me (i have no emotions linked to those places and have little interest in seeing always the same stuff: mountains, lakes, houses etc.), i stayed and watched politely (not always done that in the past).

then took a shower, now going to get my meds and then dinner, tv and sleep. i cant believe the day is almost over. i didnt enjoy this weekend as much as i would have liked to. not sure why. maybe little time with my mom? not much sleep today? not tv series episodes enough?

im kind of excited for tomorrow's grocery shopping. i'll finally allow myself to eat chocolate, i have decided. i'll also need to get gas for my car and the rest of my free time will be spent preparing myself for exT's next session, watching tv (but have just found i cant connact it with headphones so i wont be able to enjoy it too much because of the neighbors) and eating. and yes, i'll be working too, but i try not to think about it until im there with the headphones on my head. its better this way: not worrying too much before its time to go and work. i hate having another week ahead. but now im just trying to enjoy the last minutes of this day...