Being invisible

This is an issue I've had pretty much my whole life. It's simply more pronounced now that it only happens in certain situations.

When I teach and interact with in-service teachers and students, usually people want to know my opinion, listen to me, respect my role/expertise, etc. Basically, what I've come to know how most people are treated most of the time.

I rarely have that experience outside of there...sometimes in social groups which is refreshing. It's especially bad whenever I'm in class (with pre-service teachers)...I haven't felt so excluded and invisible since my younger days.

Yes, I'm quiet when you first meet me if I'm in an unfamiliar environment. Once I can build trust and comfort around people (that happens quickly with open kind people!) I can show my true personality which is loud and energetic and quite eccentric and hilarious.

But you know how you almost instantly get a feeling if you can be yourself around people? I rarely do when I'm in school. When I work with high school kids, I can actually be myself in that environment and I was finally finding out who I was and then I had to go to part time so I could go back to school and get certified and it's just back to being invisible and lonely again most of the time...

Has anyone else forgotten their personality or had no idea what they were really like because they were in the wrong environment for years? How do I cope until I can return to where I belong full time?

"But you know how you almost instantly get a feeling if you can be yourself around people?"

yay, at least someone gets it

it's what I always think about too when I meet someone, but no one seems to have a clue where I get it, so thanks for understanding

as for your question, a lot of my childhood was spent with abusive parents, sheltered from the world, denied oppotunities, etc- so in that respect I think a big part of me is not developed (if I can use that in this context?)

it's like:

someone asks me to make a decision, and you think well actually, is that wise, no one ever liked what I suggested in the past

or people telling me come on, let's go do this activity, and you think well... my mother wouldn't really like it, so no

or even someone walking in to a room and you somehow act a certain way

not how you want to act, almost how you were taught, if you like

I’m sending hugs

My parents were extremely conservative/religious and were bad at the whole emotional support thing. I found that I was different from others and had a hard time coping with not being part of the group. My father is very against having friends and his opinion was usually the only one that existed. I didn't really have a role model for how to have friends...I guess I had cousins but it's not like I had play dates with parents' friends.

Then the whole discovering I'm not straight and I have gender dysphoria thing...with growing up in a pretty fundamentalist religion. I pretty much was just taught that my opinions don't really matter, no one cares how I feel, and that I am fundamentally wrong/evil. They also put me into school too early because I excelled academically, but then I was a year younger than my peers and so we weren't exactly "peers" and I was less mature emotionally and probably physically as well. Then the way my mom cut my hair made me a target for bullies. It's like they made sure I wouldn't fit in and that I wouldn't know how to make friends. And that it didn't really matter.

I don't think touch was a big thing (but that might have been because I was allergic to it and would get hives if I were touched or something) with them either because it always felt unnatural when I was older and I had to get used to it to be in a romantic relationship. And I often don't want to be touched. I don't always want to be comforted that way. If I'm upset, I don't want to be hugged. So that in and of itself makes me unlikeable and undateable because everyone else wants to touch constantly.

It seems that the people who I let get to know me reject me because of who I am. I have a better chance of having friends etc. if I'm not open with people or am a different version of me. And then there's just being around people who aren't inclusive, especially of shy people.

touch has been quite a difficult thing for me to readapt too

when I was in isolation (and constantly abused), I would asociate touch with abuse- because that's what it was, a slap, or a punch, a squeeze around the kneck, what ever

I remember countless times people would come in to where I was and people would say, please, don't touch her, we're the abusive people here so they'd sit oppositte me afraid of me, like they'd catch something terrible if they touched me

I remember one girl in particular, if she did touch me, would wear gloves- as if to say your hands are contagious- and it is now why I have such a phobia of gloves

over time though, I've readapted to touch. I don't think I'm perfect with it, but can accept cuddles or what ever from people I closely trust