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Trig Apr 08, 2019 at 02:24 PM
  #1
I cant believe week 7 started today! i havent had any break (except weekends) for 7 weeks since i was sick for 1 week, and i cant believe it! i havent been off from work, not for illness, not for being at the clinic, not for holidays, and not for days off. nothing. but it IS starting to weight on me. i must resist only 2 more weeks and then i'll have a few days of holidays and off from work. i cant wait, even though lately the weekends at home are less "exciting". they give me a lot of relax but i enjoy them less, not sure why. anyway.

today, up until less than 3 hours ago, i'd have said it went pretty well at work. this morning i was still feeling like my mind was at home or elsewhere and even though i could focus to do things right (i hope), it passed so quickly. it was a bit like i wasnt there with my mind… in a good way.

then lunch break came. i ate right (no chocolate), laxatives did their job and i even came up with something new to cook for dinner. and even though i had a few things to do that took time away from relax and i did not have a minute to rest, i went back to work with a positive attitude.

it kept going quite ok until about 2 hours before finishing my shift. then my supervisor started to get on my nerves. he started checking on how many seconds i'd put people on wait when passing from one call to the other. i've seen that taking a few more seconds (they concede us only 5!) is better for me. it helps me getting more relaxed, more focused and my job is less stressing. he started fussing about how much time i waste putting people on wait for a little while between the calls and when i go to the supervisors to ask questions etc. i really started feeling like he expects me to be a robot or worse a slave. im not going to be a slave in this job. if i cant take seconds between calls then i'll take minutes every half an hour to go to the toilet! he cant say anything about that and if he does, i'll say my doc told me to drink more and thats the result. he cant answer back to that in any way!

im so mad he is so controlling. and not only for the pauses i take but he also controls how i speak, my tone of voice, what i say, etc. and nothing i do or say seems to go well for him. he started with this behavior a few weeks ago but it got worse and worse with time. im so sick of it. i know he only does his job, but he's really a pain in the *****.

luckily he's not there the whole day so when the other supervisor is there i can relax more, but now im not sure i can take this job much longer anymore. its about supervisors scolding me all the time, its about being controlled all the time, its about getting fines if we make mistakes, its about how stressing it is to work with people talking my my ears all day long and listening to them complaining about anything or worse, getting mad at me when things are not my fault! and its about having a job that is so difficult because rules keep changing day after day and we basically have no fixed rules. they change so much its impossible to remember everything and they are even changing the manual so that is changing too and we dont know where to look for instructions anymore. its so fu|<ing hard and stressing!!!

i dont know if its worth it or not anymore. but what else could i do? my friend told me about trying answering an announcement of selection to go work with kids (only for substitutions). but even if it was a regular full time job… i dont know… having an infancy psychology degree , having worked with kids at the swimming pool and having attended a course for educators i well could try it... too bad i really dont think i want to work with kids anymore. i feel im done with it and have nothing more to give. i feel kids at the pool have drained me and im not willing to dedicate myself to kids anymore. even if i know its rewarding, i dont think for me its worth it anymore.

actually, i feel i just dont want to work anymore. i dont want to have any job anymore. but if i dont work i dont get money to pay my flat and then what? im not going back to the place (figuratively speaking) i was before, with no job, no flat, no nothing. then the only solution that comes to my mind is always the same, the only one i've always trusted, the only one that would really set me free and the only one i've always believed into: Death. yeah, thats always been my plan A. if things go on like this, why not? i tried but it just doesnt seem to work out for me, whatever i try and whatever i do. it just doesnt work out!

i was getting a little hope that i could have a semi normal life when i realized i liked P, but even with him… i dont know, its so hard.

like tonight, i could have waited him out of the offices since we ended our shifts together, even to just exchange a few words about the supervisor having said the same things he said to me to him as well, but i was in a hurry to get out of there and especially, i was too afraid to show him i was waiting for him. to show him i would have liked talking with him a bit. i was afraid of showing interest in him so i ran away. maybe tomorrow i'll try to explain it to him. i also have a few excuses: i had to make dinner and i had to bring down my old couch on the streets for people that takecare of outsize wastes to come and get it tomorrow morning. but i kow its no excuse. i could have waited for him if i wanted to. i was just really in a hurry and afraid. thats all. while the supervisor was reprimanding us we looked each other in the eyes and im not sure of what i saw? this torments me a bit.

then tonight i had troubles finiding a parking lot . as soon as i got home i cooked that thing i read about, with all the food that was going to get spoiled before it got spoiled and it was a real disgusting crap. i could eat some of it and i threw away the rest. so it went wasted anyway. next time i wont try to go for one huge grocery shop at month but i'll go week by week i guess. i need to learn even that! then i also called my mom and vented to her what i said here about my job and then carried the couch down on the street. it was less heavy than i was afraid of and thats the only positive thing i can think of for today.

then i did some stuff and came here on PC and i still have the dishes to wash. except for this morning being absent minded (positively), the rest of the start of week 7 is to forget (and this week has 6 days of work since i have the course again on sat). now i know tomorrow morning im not going to work with pleasure or worry free, actually the opposite. both because of P and because of the supervisor. im only glad i'll see T on wed…. im SO tired.

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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 11:55 AM
  #2
(((((((((( Sinking )))))))))))

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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 01:11 PM
  #3
So today i did feel as a FIGHTER, like when i was a professional athlete. i figured that now that i know what the devil is like (esp. my male supervisor) i also know how to fight it and avoid its claws. it was also thanks to the other supervisor that helped me regaining some self confidence. she was so kind i wanted to prove her i could do it, and i made it. i did a new thing at work and didnt ask anyone to help me with it. i did feel proud of myself and when i told the supervisor she was also happy that i made it. this gave me a boost of energy.

at lunch break i saw the old couch was taken away and i was proud of myself for doing even that little thing (calling the service, explaining everything they asked me and bringing the couch down the stairs alone). its these little things that give me confidence and almost happiness. i'd have a million of reasons to feel bad about myself and i often do but when little things like these happen i do feel so much better and very unexpectedly. its always a surprise.

more little things:

at lunch i was so cold so i turned the heat on. i've only done it a few times since im living in this flat and i never did it at home with my parents because they would do it/decide it. i was FREE to decide whether to turn it on or not!

at the end of the shift P and i finished it together so today instead of running away scared and confused about what to do, i stayed there, waited for him and we exchanged a few words after work. we talked mostly about work but still it was good to have someone to take a few minutes to talk with ME.

while i was leaving in my car and saw him waiting for the bus i stopped by and asked him if he wanted a ride. he smiled and said he didnt need it and thanked me. this was exciting for me 1) because i did have the courage to approach him again and 2) because i was FREE to not run straigh home after work. nobody was waiting for me, i had nobody to warn about eventually coming late.

i still have to learn how to do the grocery shopping right. at the beginning of the month i made a huge shopping thinking it all would last for the whole month. its only after, that i realized that many things expire quickly. this proved me i dont even know how to do the grocery shopping right, and now im bingeing to not throw away food. but guess what? i'll never do that again and i'll be much more careful next time and buy less things but maybe more often. lesson learned.

its exactly things like these that i was expecting from the challenge of living alone for the first time. today, differently than other days these challenges give me strength and they dont bring me down. not sure why. but after i made that new thing at work all by myself the world twisted again on the positive side.

as for the devil i now know how to fight… i only mean that now that i know what the male supervisor looks at to reprimand me, im going to give him what he wants but still in a way that keeps me safe and protected. so that my job wont look like a nightmare again. its just about being smart and fighting the right battles with the right means, which doesnt mean always winning but always standing up.

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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 02:36 PM
  #4
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, sinking! Please don't give up! I completely understand your struggles, but I'M SURE you can do this! I understand things seem pretty hard right now, but trust me when I say that they CAN and WILL get better! They DID before, I don't see why they CAN'T get better again! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! Don't let one bad day ruin your whole week! I'm sure things will get a little bit better tomorrow! Just don't let this bad day discourage you too much, ok? It can happen! I'm so sorry your supervisor isn't being kind to you! Bosses can be REALLY hard to deal with! I'm sure you're definitely NOT ALONE in this! If you feel like you may want to look for another job, I'd say go for it! Just try to look up for some announcements and see if there's anything else that you may want to try! I completely agree with your friend about trying to work with kids again if you feel like you're good at it! Perhaps you just need to get used to it a little bit again? I feel like that's a WONDERFUL gift you have and it's be AWESOME if you could be able to pursue it! That's just my opinion though! The final decision is up to you! I won't force you to do anything that you don't want to do of course! Just give it a thought if you can and want to! That's all I'm asking you! I'll respect your decision! Try not to worry too much about P! I'm sure he'll listen to what you have to say and understand you if you just explain it to him what happened! I'd suggest to just be honest with him or make up a simple excuse. I'm sure it was nothing major and I'm sure he still cares about you a lot! Try not to worry too much about speaking to him! I'm sure you CAN make it, you just need to take your time, that's all! Just remember to take all the time you need! Just take it one step at the time! Just take baby steps! Remember that there's no need to hurry! I'm so sorry you didn't like your dinner! Things like this can happen! I'm sure the next one will be MUCH, MUCH better! Please don't be so hard on yourself! Things CAN and WILL get better! I promise you that! You saw it with your own eyes after all! I hope things will get better soon for you! Just take as much time for yourself as you can and take GREAT care of yourself, ok, my sweet friend? We all care about you here! We all love you here! Feel free to vent and write as much as you need and want! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! Remember that we're here for you if you need ANY KIND OF SUPPORT! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, sinking! You're a strong, wonderful person! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT because IT IS TRUE! Keep fighting! You're AWESOME! You're STRONG! You're a WARRIOR! I believe in you! We ALL believe in you! We're all rooting for you! We're all cheering you on! I hope you'll be able to believe in yourself as much as we all DO BELIEVE IN YOU! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! KEEP FIGHTING and KEEP TRYING YOUR BEST! That's all we can do after all and it's LAWAYS MORE THAN ENOUGH! Keep fighting as much as you can! You're strong, I know that! We ALL know that! I'm sure you know that as well even if it's deep down! KEEP FIGHTING! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, sinking! You don't deserve to suffer AT ALL! Nobody deserves to suffer AT ALL, certainly NOT YOU! KEEP FIGHTING, SINKING, MY FRIEND! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT!
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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 02:39 PM
  #5
I have made the previous post BEFORE reading your new update, sinking, and I'm SO reallyhappy that you're doing SO much better, my friend! I knew you could make it again! You always do! I'm so proud of your and I hope you'll be able to be proud of yourself as well! KEEP FIGHTING! Sending many hugs to you, sinking!
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 07:48 AM
  #6
THEY WANT TO DESTROY ME

THEY WANT TO DESTROY ME

THEY WANT TO DESTROY ME

THEY WANT TO DESTROY ME

THEY WANT TO DESTROY ME

(and its not alochol talking)

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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 12:39 PM
  #7
So im back home and have calmed down. i need to explain.

this morning at work has been hard because i feel under my supervisors fire. they check everything i say, how i say it and how i report to people what they tell me to say. they even went as far as making me read something out loud and then told me to tell them what i understood from it to then say i misunderstood it. they have thrown my confidence below the floor. they also check everything i do, they check how many seconds of pause i take between calls and when they notice it, they run to me asking whats happening (whats happening?? im just doing my job checking if i did things right!) and then they even reprimanded me for taking my break at the wrong time (breaks are scheduled too). i really felt bashed by both of them today. and was shaking on the edge of a mental breakdown when i finished my shift.

i kept thinking about why they were persecuting me so much. and even if i could think of one rational answer (they want and try to optimize my job because of money issues), i could only think that since i had proved them i could handle a full time job and they were always against it, they wanted to destroy me and force me to go IP, ask for a part time, or even quit. i could not stop thinking they really wanted to destroy my mind and my job and find a way to make me quit or fire me.

as soon as i got home i got drunk, i posted here, took a quick shower and went to T. when there, i told her i was going to tell her what was happening and why i was drunk, only if she promised not to tell anything about it at next week's meeting. so then i went on and on about all these things i've posted here about my job issues. and them making me feel incompetent, lazy, inadequate, stupid, misunderstanding things and unable to talk with people in the right way.

she supported me saying this was too much pressure to put on me, that i do have the disability for something that is real and that they cant continue this way. she asked me what we were going to tell them at the meeting. i said i was not going to say anything and just listen to them. she then asked me if SHE could say that i do better with positive reinforcements (that happened a few times when they tried to encourage me) and that i do need a little bit of time between calls and that im doing my best and not to put so much pressure on me. (the job is enough stressful on its own to even have them to add pressure to pressure).

Done with that, i asked her if it was thanks to her that P came back sitting next to me and she said she didnt call the supervisor, that the supervisor was worried seeing me so upset all the time (but didnt believe me it was because of the desks change) and she then had to admit to her that i do not do well with changes and so then P came back sitting next to me. i thanked her for that. i told her about the real JOY (the physical feeling) i felt when P came to sit next to me (something that hadnt happened in at least 20 years). i told her he too was happy of being back and that we still do exchange a few words every now and then and that maybe i'll ask him out for an icecream as soon as i feel ready to.

i also told her about opening up about P with my friend on friday and about how i tried to support her (and even hugged her) when she got in my car crying. i explained the situation and my T was very happy to hear i have such a good friend and i behaved so nice with her too.

i also told her about seeing my parents getting old in a devastating and shocking way. she was supportive and understanding with that too.

in the end i told her about the positive things about living alone, as the freedom to decide whether or not to turn on the heat, about the grocery shopping and i was going to tell her about the freedom of not getting home right away after work if i wanted to and not being forced to warn anyone (because noone is waiting for me home - negative is = im alone) but i forgot.

then we talked about my dad helping me with stuff. last week thanks to my parents i got to fix 2 appts that needed to be fixed but that i wouldnt have had the courage to fix if it werent for them and i told her my dad would have come at my flat today too after T.

i left T with a huge sense of gratitude. i would have liked to be able to express it to her for listening to me venting and being so supportive but i couldnt find the words. i thought maybe i could write her a few words. maybe for next time. she also said i could contact her if i needed to during the week if something else like today would happen. it was so nice of her. Thank You T.

then i came home got a coffe and my dad arrived. we did get to fix a few more things since last wed. he figured out how to fix the mirror in my room (left for next week), we figured out how i can watch my tv series with headphones (my tv was not set for output audio signal) and we finished the paperwork we needed to complete. it was a very pleasant and useful company. i love my dad so much too and i thank him too for all he does for me even if he's not good with words or showing affection. i do know he loves me too.

Now he's just left and i heard my mom on the phone, now im going to eat dinner and then i'll work on what i want to tell exT next week. and i'll also check tomorrow's breaks schedule so that they cant complain about it again! nothing has really changed from this morning, but at least now i feel im not alone in this fight at work and my T is with me. it means a lot. so much!

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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 12:37 PM
  #8
Today was a pretty good day. no ups and no downs.

i got to know i dont have the course this sat. and im super happy about it even though im not happy about the date they postponed it to…

i went to work trying to stay positive and not show my supervisors we are at war (imo). i even went that far to kind of *****-licking trying to show i do have good intentions (to please them). the morning went on smoothly.

at lunch i cooked something new and for the first time i liked the new attempt.

my mind often goes to both my Ts. im still writing down what i want to say to exT next week and thinking about what i want to write to T.

the afternoon went smoothly too but mostly because both my superisors were busy with a meeting and they were not controlling me. a colleague explained something to me about pauses and maybe thats the reason my male supervisor was so obsessed with my pauses. we'll see if that was the problem!

now i already had dinner, waiting to hear from my mom and i'll work on my writings and right before bed i'll wash dishes because i've found its relaxing to me. pills dont work much but i should be able to sleep quite decently tonight.

thats all for today! i hope tomorrow goes smoothly like today.
thanks anyone for reading.

ps. im doing so much better with food issues!!!

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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 01:05 PM
  #9
So glad to hear how things are going. You lead a busy life! ((((HUGS))))
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 06:29 AM
  #10
Thanks Mopey for still reading me

more than a busy life(that feels quite flat except for the downs) i feel im living with a busy mind…

today work was ok. they're still not happy about me and they way i work, but i do my best. to help people, to fix appts right, to remember rules and i do also try not to get a burnout trying to not let pressure destroy me. its hard to try to put all these things together.

im happy about today's lunch and i hope this afternoon goes well at work too. then i'll see my friend and then i'll finally go to my parents home.

only bad news for today is that P took next week off and i already know i'll miss him. i was tempted to ask him his phone number or try to throw there the idea of an icecream together but i dont feel ready for that and i dont even know if it would be ok. im not even sure i'd have the time so maybe i'll just leave that idea for later on when the weather will be better and we could meet on weekends if we want to. im more comfortable doing and saying nothing at the moment, even though we did talk abut what we're going to do for Easter…. which is nothing or "resting" for both of us…

tonight i had a weird weird scaring dream. firstly i was in a vacation group (where i knew nobody of them but it felt like some sort of school trip or something like that), then that place, instead of a vacation place became a war place and we were lined up in a huge place with lots of rooms and we had to run and hide because "they" were shooting at us and killing us. when it was my turn of running and hiding i ended up caught and i begged (even if it sounded weird to me too!) that man not to kill me but he did shoot me on my leg. he stayed there a little to be sure i would have died and then left. with me there were two people, the group leaders, and they just stayed there watching me bleeding out. i was not feeling any pain and at the beginning i was loosing little blood but then i started feeling dizzy and when i looked at my leg the place was all covered with my blood. people there were still doing nothing and watching me dying. not with indifference but with resignation. i started to think i was going to die after all and tried to do something myself. i tried to stop the bleeding with my fingers but as soon as i was plugging one hole another vein somewhere else was starting to bleed.

while all of this was happening i was thinking about my whole life and i felt nothing about it. i was scared of dying but i too was just accepting it. i only kept repeating a mantra to those two people: "tell my parents i loved them and i fought without giving up until the end" and i thought to myself: "even though i did try to kill myself in the past now im fighting". and i could not think of anything else to say and i could not think of anybody else i would have wanted to say goodbye to except my family. and even in those moments it felt a bit incredible that i had nothing else to say, nobody else on my mind, and nothing that i could think of that i would have liked to do differently in my whole life. no regrets. the only other thing i got to say was just one quote that i took from an italian poet: "i ask forgiveness to everyone and i forgive everyone".
then the blood was starting to be too much and i was dizzy and closing my eyes but i was still fighting to stay alive… and then i woke up.
what a dream!!!

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Last edited by sinking; Apr 12, 2019 at 06:49 AM..
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 01:17 PM
  #11
Hi Sinking,

What an interesting dream!

My husband and I often compare dreams in the morning while we are having our coffee and tea. Both of us are interested in lucid dreaming, where you're supposed to be able to ask for answers to your life issues in your dreams, but for neither of us is it going particularly well. (At least, not yet.) I believe there's even a subforum devoted to dreams and dream interpretation on PsychCentral.

What I found intriguing about this dream of yours is that although someone else shot you and you aware you were bleeding, it seemed to take some time before you decided to do something yourself to try to stop the bleeding. What that means or may mean, I'm not sure, as you seem to be taking many steps on your own behalf in recent weeks.

Anyhow, best wishes for a pleasant weekend.
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 04:04 PM
  #12
I hope things are going ok, sinking! I hope you'll be able to have a nice, relaxing weekend! I'm really happy that you're STILL fighting and that you're trying to do your best! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! I completely agree with Mopey about your dream! It was very interesting! I'm not sure how to interpret it, but it does seem like you're seeing your battle with Depression like a REAL battle! Perhaps that's a nice way to interpret it! Perhaps you could talk to your therapist about this and see how it goes from there! Maybe that could help! You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings! Perhaps you may be able to interpret your dream as well! Please keep us updated as much as you can, but most importantly, TRY TO RELAX! We'll always be here for you! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! Sending many hugs to you, sinking, my dear, sweet friend!
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Default Apr 12, 2019 at 06:01 PM
  #13
((((((((((( sinking ))))))))))

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Default Apr 13, 2019 at 11:42 AM
  #14
Thanks, i didnt think anything of what im saying here could be interesting for someone but im glad the dream was interesting to some of you! . i've been thinking more about it. what stroke me is that i was ok with the life i've had. maybe its the truth. i built it as i wanted it to be even though (or right because of) all the difficulties i've faced.

today was quite ok up to now. i slept well, i watched tv series (but not many and dad forbid me to download more episodes - and i couldnt help but resent him for that because when HE downloads stuff its ok but when I do its not ok anymore? Fuk!), i spent time with my cat and my mom and i even got to work pretty well with the letter im writing to my exT.

Dinner and night seemed already well planned out but family friends just called asking my parents out. im SO fuking sick of them ruining all my saturdays night. i come here at my parents mostly (and also) to be with them and almost every saturday night they go out with these fuking family friends. i hate them so much. they always get to ruin my weekends and even my life because when i compare their lives with ours we always come out as losers (not only me, my whole family!). im so mad now. ok, i'll have more time to work on my exT letter but fuk! all saturday nights. fuk fuk fuk!

ps. yesterday night when P finished his shift i got to wish him a nice week off and he touched my arm and heartedly said "thank you". his voice was so warm, it made me very happy. i'll surely miss him next week. he doesnt do or say much to make my job easier but when he's there i feel better, happier and safer. not sure why…

pps. i did tell my mom my dad doesnt want me here because he's always grumpy whatever i do or say

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* Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads
* Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom

Last edited by sinking; Apr 13, 2019 at 12:14 PM..
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 11:43 AM
  #15
Last day of week 7 was ok. i always feel a bit sad and disappointed in the evening because it always feel like i didnt have enough time to do all i wanted to do (sleeping more? watching more tv series? staying more with my cat? staying more with my mom?), and i have to face the reality of having to work tomorrow and face another long long week.

this morning didnt start out too well. i didnt sleep enough in spite of being sleepy and lazy and my mom started talking too much and i dont feel like talking or listening much at least until im done with breakfast. and i tried to stay away from my dad because im still convinced he doesnt want me here on weekends so i better stay away from his sight and not hear his comments that hurt a lot.

the rest of the day was spent as usual. i ate very well and finished my exT's letter. i just took a shower and found out i was bitten by a tick. we (mom and i) tried to take it away but its head remained inside my arm. we put cream on it and i'll have to control it often. i dont want to get some weird disease like lyme's because of it.

now im going to get the meds, then dinner and then i'll prepare everything i need to bring back to my home tomorrow. if i can i'll try not to go to the grocery store until the end of the month so that the huge grocery shopping done at the beginning of the month will not be a total BS, but i wont repeat it again for sure!

__________________
* Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads
* Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom
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