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Old 04-15-2019, 10:24 AM #1
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Book Week #8 (broken)

Today week 8 started but it will be a broken week. (and im happy about it Week #8 (broken))


Today i called in sick because of the tick bite. my arm was swollen, red, itchy and hurting at touch a lot. i was a little worried so i went to the doc and he gave me antibiotics and a sick day. tomorrow will be a full working day while wed and thurs will be half days because of the meeting and T, and friday full working day again. so all in all, i'll work just a little over half the hours i normally work. this is good because i feel less and less prepared to go to work after weekends. im tired. my mind is tired. and working has become such a daily fight. im so tired of fighting.


i didnt sleep well tonight because of the arm and nightmares. then went to the doc, got the meds, and came back home at my parents'. i spent all day watching tv series. my brother came home half sick too but i spent with them only lunch. i dont like it much when we are all together and especially i dont like listening to my brother talking about himself. he always gets to make me feel inferior or tense in some ways.


i didnt take the cat to watch tv with me because even if i know its not his fault, i got the tick from him and i dont want to risk that again this soon.


i really dont want to go back to work tomorrow Week #8 (broken). but at least i'll have my privacy at night and i'll be able to print the letter for my exT and get prepared for wed's meeting.


i hope it wont be a heavy week, but i know it will be both because of work and because of T. im ashamed of giving my exT yet another letter but i cant help it. i'll try to explain it to him...
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Old 04-15-2019, 12:08 PM #2
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((((((((( sinking ))))))))))
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Old 04-16-2019, 01:19 PM #3
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I must remember that i like being back at work the first day after being home because im so lost in my world that work seems something going on in the background all day and it isnt as heavy as other days. so today at work it went ok. and my supervisors didnt make me feel too bad. they even asked me what happened to my arm. it was nice of them.

my arm is still itching a lot and swollen but i know it will pass, even though the other night it seemed so bad i already fantasized about being in hospital, having it opened up and even amputated. i didnt like the fantasy, but i would have liked maybe getting a fever and "having to" stay at home for a few more days

the only thing ruining a bit my day today, was my mom tonight on the phone because she said exactly what i had expected her to say: "would you text your brother and ask him how he is?". and i had my answer ready: "i had a sick day too, so why wouldnt HE text me about it?". she said "maybe he didnt think about it". so what? "maybe i didnt think about it either!!!". for the record, i did text him as soon as we ended the phone call, but why does he always have to come first??? i CANT not feel jealous. i know i shouldnt, but i CANT!!!

anyway, tomorrow i'll have a session with T, i'll give her a small present for easter, and then we'll have the meeting with the HR and my supervisors. i dont feel i have anything to say. if they ask me something i'll answer, but i really have nothing to say. i know T will try to bring up how much pressure the supervisors are often putting on me lately, but i hope we'll be done with it as soon as possible.

then my parents will come at my flat to fix the mirror, but then i hope they'll go home and not stay for dinner because i have to finish my letter for exT. i'll see Him on thrus. then i'll have the whole afternoon free and i dont know what to do with it. i'd like to go at my parents' because i dont know what to do with myself at my flat but i'll have to think about it.

tonight something funny happened. i noticed my bathrrom sink is a bit dirty and i shrugged it off thinking to myself "mom will clean it". then i realized "mom will not clean it". i'll have to do it myself. i didnt do it, but sooner or later i will. i must have an issue with cleaning because most of the times i dont notice it needs to be done, and when i do, i dont care and tell myself i'll do it another time, when i'll feel more like it but it never happens! maybe thats what i should do on thrus afternoon… could be an idea.

my neighbors are still screming and the white noise is still helping but today i heard them screming from the building entrance door (and we are on the 2nd floor). why did i have to get these neighbors as neighbors? i couldnt know it before coming to live here and buying the flat... i was really unlucky. but at least there isnt a baby crying all night and i usually do get to have a good night sleep even though the wake up call is usually my neighbors yelling. i hope i'll get to sleep well tonight and tomorrow will be ok. im worried about this f***ing meeting.

now i'll print my exT letter in case i dont get to do it tomorrow. its important. i must be prepared. but im only really really scared because im going to do something i swore i wouldnt have done anymore… writing letters to exT. why cant i stop it? its a bit like chocolate. its a bit like drugs. im addicted. i hope exT wont be mad at me and will read the letter. its not even said He will… maybe that possibility is scaring me as well. it scares me to think He shows me He cares but when He can get away with it, He wont give a sh*it.
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Old 04-17-2019, 01:34 PM #4
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WHOA! What. A. Day!!! im exhausted.

work went ok this morning, then i saw T for our session and it went well. i kind of repeat to her what im posting here on PC. i added i was nervous for the meeting and we talked a bit about it. then we went at my workplace to have the meeting with my supervisors, the human resources and my pdoc.

i didnt have much to say and i didnt WANT to say much either. but when asked questions i had to answer. we talked (again) about whether or not a full time schedule is appropriate for me (yes it is!). they think its too much for me and that i should say when im tired and take a day off or two, but i said im doing fine and it only took me some "training" and that im doing better now, handling the stress better.

we talked about the desks change that flipped me out and i explained i feel safer with those persons next to me. they did want to know if i had feelings for P but i denied it. its already hard to admit it to myself and to my T, im not going into it with them all!

then i said i sometimes feel pressured because i i ask for help too many times and especially because i was told im slow and my phone calls last too long. (and i did not mention i was scolded for taking pauses between calls and for misreporting stuff). they said its not a problem but i had to reply the supervisor that was not there at the meeting in that moment had made me feel like it was. i didnt want to create problems but i didnt want to lie either so in the end they called him in and he obviously said it was a "constructive criticism" and a "suggestion" on how to handle difficult calls, but its not how i remember it. but i didnt have the courage to say it so i just replied that next time if he or anyone else says something that hurts me in any way we'll talk about it so that i'll give them feedback too. thats all they asked me to do after all, actually. to talk if i have problems. but its so hard.

my T was very supportive and since she couldnt say much because of confidentiality, this pushed me to answer for myself instead of letting her doing it for me. i was very upset when they called in the other supervisor but i think we managed it well enough. i dont think he or anyone else was hurt by anything i said.

actually instead, while we were together alone, "A", from the human resources, asked me if i was mad at her for never contacting me and i said i was a little bit. she said its good because it means i care. of course i care. i told her and showed her many times that i care, but after a while i get tired of always being the only one starting the contacts so i stopped and she never started it again. she apologized. i know she meant it, but that doesnt change anything. i wont contact her again unless she does!

then i gave them a ride in town and went at my flat where there was my mom waiting and dad was coming too. i told my mom about the meeting and it was ok, but actually i really only would have wanted to take a shower and rest. when my dad got there i took the shower while he was fixing the mirror for me. then he started being bossy and it made me wish they hadnt come, but it went even worse when mom self invited themselves for a pizza. and it went even worse when mom started a "serious" conversation explaining me my dad only wants me to get more independent, while i usually take those comments as he not wanting me at their home. it may be true, that he wants me to be more indepedent, but he cant expect it to happen instantly just because i bought a flat for myself and i will NEVER become like him or like my brother. i am me. and if i have problems with something i have people i can ask for help. i do not have only he or my mom to help me out even though they do help me out a LOT. why cant i be me? and learn things at my pace? i think my dad doesnt want me to feel lost and helpless when he and my mom wont be able to help me anymore or when they'll be gone. ok, but why making me feel so incompetent, unwanted and pushed away? it really hurts!

then finally they left and i came here on PC. i also texted my T to thank her and she thought i was upset with her, while i was very grateful and i told her so. i must write her a letter for next session. give her more feedback and thank her better for all she does for me. exT, as good as He was, i dont think He would have done as much as T has done and is doing. He helps a lot in session but i never could contact him outside of it, while i've done it and feel i can do it with T.

anyway, i see exT right tomorrow morning. i need to "get ready".
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Old 04-17-2019, 02:52 PM #5
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I hope your appointment with exT goes well, Sinking.
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Old 04-18-2019, 02:23 PM #6
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Thank you Mopey.

today was emotionally hard. work went by without problems, i was all focused on the upcoming exT session.

i brought in the letter for Him. i was supposed to read a part of it and leave the rest for Him to read it afterwards, but i changed my mind while i was walking to go in. i was SO afraid of how He would have taken it that i decided it was more important to talk about that fear and what i was feeling in that moment, than anything else that had already happened and was already written down. He said it was a good choice.

i told Him i was afraid that He would be bothered by me writing Him the letter and kind of pushing Him to take extra time to read my letter outside the session. i also said i was afraid that He was there and in spite of whatever He would have said, in His mind He was actually thinking "why does she keep coming back bothering me and why does she keep writing me, making me waste my time?".

i kept apologizing and saying i didnt want to write but i couldnt stop myself and i kept asked Him again and again if it was acceptable for Him to have me coming back and writing Him letters (now or also in the future). i dont know why He never answered back with a clear yes or no answer. He did say He will read the letter "at the pace and in the manner" that will be possible for Him, but He never said whether it was ok or not for me to write Him or keep writing to Him.

i dont know if it is because He couldnt say it was ok, if it was actually not - and plainly lie to me, or if its because He knew i wouldnt have trusted His words anyway because of my fears, so He answered saying "if i didnt want to be here, i wouldnt be". that simple sentence made it so obvious to me that He did want to be there. there with me. it helped with the doubts about me continuing seeing Him (He even said He hopes i'll consider going back to therapy with Him), but it didnt help with the doubts about whether or not writing Him a letter was a problem and a bother to him or not.

He kept pointing out how much torn i must have been between following the need to write to Him (to keep Him updated) and wanting/needing more time with Him, and the need to shut down that need because it scares me.

i told Him how this doesnt happen with anyone else. yes, i am torn around people, but never with such an intensity. that i do have people to talk to, but that He is special to me. and that i dont care about anyone else as much as i care about Him. that He keeps being god to me, because i always go in afraid and i always come out happy and changed at least for a little while. He kept saying He must be a bad and disappointing god if i dont expect Him to be understanding of this need of mine to write to Him. and i replied that its not His job anymore to care about my needs. its a bit complicated if we only meet once in about 3 months.

He also brought up the issue that i need to check on Him to see if He's still there or not and i admitted to Him that i do think about it and i also think about when He'll be retired and we'll never see each other again. i said i want to die before this happens and i want to die before anyone else in my life disappears.

We fixed next appt. in july and He said i can contact Him anytime if i need it. that He's there. He accepted my letter, i looked Him in the eyes and i told Him i love Him. He didnt answer as He usually does, but softly and warmly touched my arm while saying goodbye. that touch was so warm that was worth a million words. He may not have said its ok for me to write to Him, but He did make me feel welcomed and cared for.

now of course i cant wait to see Him next time and ask him if He read the letter and if it was too much of a bother to Him, but for now i feel we're good. this time i didnt leave feeling lighter or comforted or reassured or "better" but i did leave feeling i did the right thing talking about my current feelings rather than telling Him about anything else that wouldnt have mattered. and if anything would have mattered, i hope He will read it on the letter.

then i went home, had lunch, wrote down what i remembered from the session, wrote the thank you letter for my T and then spent the rest of the day in bed. i didnt clean up, i didnt feel like it. i wasted my time looking at old pics, playing with Candy Crush, chatting a bit with WhatsApp and rethinking over and over about the session with exT. then i cooked a little bit for dinner and ended my day coming here on PC as always.

it will be a long wait until july, but i count on these feelings slowly losing grip and letting me focusing on something or someone else. and anyway i do know that if it becomes too much, i CAN text/call Him. this IS a relief.

Tomorrow is a full day at work. i hope it wont be too hard. then i'll see my friend for dinner and then i'll go at my parents'. im not sure how much resting this weekend will be, since its easter and we'll have to spend it together with my brother too, but i hope that except for eating better and more, they'll let me be in my room resting and watching my tv series as always.
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Old 04-19-2019, 06:41 AM #7
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Today the emotional roller coaster i went through this week is starting to take a toll on me. im tired. emotionally, especially.

work was ok, lunch was ok, but i cant wait to finish work tonight and enjoy the free evening with my friend.

and i hope i'll get to rest well enough this long weekend and next week will be a "Holiday week". it will be the first real break since 8 weeks ago when i had the flu. i hope i'll be able to enjoy it as well.

im still thinking about exT and yesterday's session. why did He say He hopes i reconsider going back to therapy with Him? i have no more work to do in therapy. not with Him and not with anone else. im still seeing T as a support. i dont feel i have anything to work on anymore.

anyway, i already printed my T's letter, so now im free of letting my mind wander or just relax. let's just hope work goes smoothly until tonight. thats all i ask and hope for…

i hope everyone has a nice weekend...
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Old 04-19-2019, 09:48 AM #8
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Happy Easter weekend, Sinking.
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Old 04-20-2019, 11:37 AM #9
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Thank you Mopey,i hope you have a happy easter weekend too! You and everyone here!

Yesterday workwent ok, i even finished 15mins earlier since there wasnt much need for me tostay there. Then i went for a walk and then met with my friend for a pizza. We met2 years ago at a creative writing course but only now we’ve started sharing moreabout our lives. We talked about our teenage years, out studies and jobs. It wasnice.

Then i came at myparents’, went in the yard to greet my cats but only one came to greet me. It wasweird since its usually the other one who comes out first to greet me. I cuddledwith my cat but i was feeling like my heart was broken or half filled. I keptcalling the other cat’s name and then finally heard him moaning and we foundout he got closed up in the basement. Nobody had seen him going in. He musthave been there only for a couple of hours but he must have been scared in sucha trap. I was SO happy to see him coming out of there. I stayed a bit with himto reassure him it was all ok. Then finally my heart was whole again. Im soglad i didnt just go to bed but waited for him.

Today i woke upwith a bad sore throat. I took some meds and im doing better now. Im glad to beill if it means not going to work, but i dont like being ill when i could enjoymy free time at home. I spent the whole day watching my usual tv series.


Now im going to getmy meds so that i wont have to go tomorrow and i hope tomorrow goes by smoothlywithout much family stress.

Happy Easter toeveryone!
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Old 04-21-2019, 01:25 PM #10
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Incredibly, today went pretty well. i slept enough and well enough, we had a nice lunch and dinner and i was left the rest of the day in my room watching my usual tv series. my mom did try to tell me to go and be with them all to watch some movies with them but i didnt and she didnt take it too bad. finally they know me well enough not to take it personally.


i hope tomorrow goes as today… so glad im not working tomorrow!
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