Where do I go from here?

Trigger warning for suicidal idelations.

I've gotten to the point in my life where I feel like a wilted flower. I've tried to be positive but was constantly surrounded by negative people, one of them a parent.

My mom is often pushy and has trouble communicating her feelings beyond criticism and pushing. I've tried everything to make her happy, but it doesn't seem to satisfy her unless it is her way. We got into a big fight and I left, and my dad was crying when he called me and I feel even worse. My mom doesn't really get my feelings but cares.

For a while, my boyfriend was very cynical, and that would also drain my positivity, but he and I are working on it, but by this point I just feel so bone dead tired. I just want to know what can I do to get better and in a good place.

I now think with all my bad luck living is a curse. My dogs are what keeps me hanging on, but I just feel like I'm existing and not really living anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way--I'm tired of feeling like there isn't a point anymore.

It's gotten to the point where if anyone is in my house besides me, I feel hackled up and defensive--not relaxed at all.

I'm always tired all the time due to nightmares from my PTSD so I barely have energy to do chores. I feel so useless. I used to try but then my mom just kept putting me down and I don't see the point anymore.

I love my boyfriend and my parents, but I also just wanna stop feeling this way. I want to actually feel happy again and be successful but with the rate I'm going it's not working out that way.

hugs