Dealing with my defeat

Reality is much more harsher than I led myself to believe. Not everyone is worth the trust. Not every "friend" is worth hanging out with. Life isn't worth risking. Or enjoying. At least, for me.

I will never try again to be a scientist. I'll just do my BSc and make sure I don't end up have a career as a scientist. Nope. Not worth it.

I expected to be normal. I am not. I am way too abnormal for normality. Hell I don't even remember 'normality' as taught in chemistry.

It's over. I am not going to be a productive citizen. I am not going to honor anyone, however great they may be. I am not going to socialize and have friends. I am not going to give any theory. It's all over. I will stop deluding myself.

I've been misguided. My psychiatrist gives me 'hope' so I won't be a pain in the a*s. Teachers don't want a student like me to be in their lab, so they support me. Friends don't want a broken person to be even more broken, so they chat for a while. But I can see, they fail to show me respect or love.

It's over. There will never be a scientist like me. Simply because I am way too disabled.

But it's okay. I will deal with my failure. I won't make a huge mess about not being a productive citizen.

I accept it. I lost.

I have psychosis. That's what makes me different.

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, TheLonelyChemist! Please don't be so hard on yourself! YOU ARE IMPORTANT and YOU'RE WORTH IT! Please don't give up hope! YOU MATTER! I truly believe you can achieve many wonderful things in your life! Please don't give up your dreams! Don't let other people discourage you! You deserve to be happy and to lead a good life just like everyone else does! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! You KNOW we want you to get better and to achieve your dreams! If science is what you want to d, then I'd say just GO FOR IT! You're perfectly "normal" just the way you are! There's no such a thing as a "normal" person and you're just as valuable as your classmated and friends! In some regards, you're even MORE valuable in my opinion! Please NEVER give up HOPE! Try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! We ALL care about you! We ALL love you! Feel free to vent and write here as much as you need to and want to! You know we'll NEVER judge you! I PROMISE YOU THAT! You're AWESOME! You're STRONG! You're a WARRIOR! You're an AWESOME, STRONG WARRIOR! I believe in YOU! We ALL believe in you! Please believe in yourself as much as you can! I hope you'll be able to believe in yourself as much as we ALL do in you because YOU'RE AWESOME, YOU MATTER and YOU ROCK! You KNOW that! We ALL know that! I'm sure YOU KNOW THAT as well even if it's deep down! YOU ROCK! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, TheLonelyChemist!

Mickey... I don't want to tell some things about my personal life. I'll just accept my defeat.

Hugs Chem