I did everything in my power and it was still in vain

After I started to recover from a massive psychotic breakdown (which was partly my fault), I started thinking about medicine. I'd write key words on my biology textbook's cover's blank side ( if I had worked hard enough on both chemistry as well as physics too, applying the same technique over and over again, I would have been in medical school right now.), because one of my voices told me I have amnesia (the voice was of my psychiatrist) and I really started losing memory.

Science tells, when you really become psychotic, not just your brain but your whole body is affected too. So I did became ACTUALLY very forgetful and started showing symptoms of attention deficiency.

That year, I passed with a bit more than 50%. That was nowhere near acceptable as I wanted to get into medical college, which was just a year after, if I could make it.

So I did the worst mistake of my life - I joined a coaching class.

As a recovering psychiatric patient, they... they just... broke me in every way possible. Both my classmates and my teachers there. It's not that they never supported me, but now that I think about it, it was only so their business would not be affected.

They beat me, they humilated me, they punished me.


Now I hate my parents for not raising me right. I even once ran away.

Why? Because I am different! You get it? I affected their business and so they took revenge on me by breaking me psychologically in every possible way.

Now after going through a year of trauma, and a life time before that due to my parents' mental illness, I have almost zero chances of living a normal life. It's all over.

**** it. I won't be a productive citizen.

Now I would rather kill myself rather than trying to do something productive. Nothing's worth it? You got it. You killed a productive, independent citizen.

Can't believe how much I forgot to write.

Here's what I was doing in between the time I passed eleventh grade and before I joined the class.

- Watch videos on all types of surgeries on YouTube and observe the techniques.
- Read books on psychopharmacology
- Read news on medicine
- Write about twenty pages of notes on organic chemistry every day in my notebook. By the time I finished (around a month), I had filled four A4 sized notebooks.
- Listen to Doctor Strange soundtrack.
- Think how I can effectively study for physics and inorganic and physical chemistry.
- Makes **** ton of notes on biology for practice.

I could have been a doctor, but the forces of the universe gave a preference to those who'd rather do it for the salary.

Now what will a Mr.Nobody do?

Nothing. Just like how he is.