Difficulty enjoying music

Hi, everyone,

I have been struggling with what seems like depression for the past month: decreased or even completely absent interest in activities, a "less-than-content" baseline mood, and lacking motivation or attention span to complete tasks.

The biggest one for me, the one I've desperately trying to fix, is my relationship with music.

Part of why this is so complicated is that I was dating someone for 2+ years, and we shared a lot of common interests, especially music. Before then, I was a very private person—only child, kept to self, etc. However, as an INFJ (i.e. get very passionate easily), I was also known for rambling on and on about whatever band or musician I'm obsessing over. Basically, I had my own life, started dating someone, our lives became a little too over-intertwined, I lost my sense of privacy and perhaps thus lost my intimate relationship with the music I love.

I was dating this person for over 2 years, and we were constantly sharing new music with each other (and again, I'm usually very enthusiastic about this). Which is awesome, but our relationship was complicated and not always smooth-sailing, although we cared about each other very much.

What I think happened is that I developed a habit of "needing" to share music with him. Although we've been broken up for over a month now, I find myself listening to a song I like and automatically thinking, "Oh, I should tell ___ about this."

I do this with others, too, usually a close friend or two with whom I also share music with. There is still anxiety with that, too, because I'm still thinking about music in relation to other people. In other words, I can't just "live in the moment" and enjoy a song for what it is.

I used to spend most nights alone with my headphones on, finding new songs to listen to or immersing myself in the ones I already loved. However, I think a crazy mix of dating and seemingly endless life-disrupting events (complications with parents, moving across states, health problems) have just, in general, made my ability to enjoy my hobbies dramatically decrease.

It's not always like this. Every once in a while I listen to a song, and it DOES bring me joy! But it's much harder to find a song that "fits my mood," and more often than not I'm not even in the mood to listen to music. I say it feels like depression because it feels like a gaping hole where my ardent love for music should be.

What to do, then? I've tried CBT on and off. I smoke weed on occasion. It helps an awful lot with helping me appreciate music, but of course I can't do that at work, while driving, etc, and it's not something I want to rely on (I don't know if this is important, but I'm not a big drinker, either). I've also been trying to do things like yoga and meditation; it's about a once a week occurrence at the moment. And I've been exercising more than I have in several months. Running helps temporarily boost my mood, but not in regards to the music situation. I've also tried just meditating on a song, where I try to focus on what's playing, but my mind ALWAYS jumps to something else. I'm currently not on any medication for anxiety, depression, or attention deficits. Although I've always dealt with anxiety, these problems seem to resolve on their own over time. However, it's been 2+ years for me with this issue.

My therapist said she has never heard of someone having an aversion to music like this (I call it "music anxiety"), other than avoiding a song that reminded someone of a bad time. This is more than this: my whole attitude to the act of listening to music has changed. I have an appointment scheduled with her soon again; she in general has been a big help in my life.

It's been different for what seems like the start of my 2+ year relationship. I suppose, if it has been going on for this long, it's understandable that I'm burnt out. However, I just want to get to the bottom of this and start enjoy life again.

For the first time in a long while, I'm finally living by myself (well, I have roommates, but I finally have a room to myself—no more boyfriend! haha). I think that will help tremendously. I just hate how long this healing process is taking . (Also sorry if none of this makes sense, I'm a little sleep-deprived and anxious, of course.)

When I'm not well and having a mood slide I can't deal with music. it does nothing for me. When I'm on the opposite side of that I play my music. I have a couple of thousand+ tunes in my library and it's always growing. Some days and weeks though...it does nothing for me. Depression is an interest destroyer. Hey good luck with the therapist. Cheers

(((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))

Hello, hiker. I can relate to this post!

The same thing happened to me when I was in the beginning stages of major depression. The course your experience has followed is very similar to mine, with a few minor differences.

I would urge you to think about perhaps trying another therapist. When we no longer enjoy pastimes as we once did, it's known as anhedonia. It is a telltale sign of something deeper going on. It should also be a huge red flag to any trained counselor or therapist!

I lost the ability to enjoy an awful lot of music (and I have very eclectic and far-ranging tastes, depending on my music requirements at the moment)---along with the motivation to do any serious artwork or even sketching out ideas (something I had done habitually and almost constantly since I was in my early teens. You never caught me without a pen/pencil and paper nearby!).

This was distressing and worrisome, but because I had no one to ask about it, and these were the pre-internet days, I chalked it all up to the stress of a big, big breakup in my personal life, and other medical considerations, with which I was having mild, but new-to-me, experiences (I was in my early 30's.).

I wondered if it could be depression, but with no one to ask, and the relative wellness I felt at other times, I basically carried on as normal. (I had always been very outdoors-y, was a slim, trim healthy eater, and stayed pretty active. I walked or bicycled everywhere. I'd never had trouble sleeping. I was at my physical peak when these things began---something else I was not aware could happen to anyone. (I had always assumed, mistakenly, depression had to have something to do with lifestyle, somehow.)

HOW I WISH I had encountered someone who knew a bit more about these things than I did! I might have started medications sooner, which experts know can result in a faster and more thorough recovery.

I do not go around advocating the medicated route for everyone. But it was something I resisted doing for far too long. The stigma was overwhelming for me---there were big expectations placed on my shoulders, and admitting to close relatives that I was enduring these kinds of problems worried me a great deal.

I can't tell you how to proceed. That will be up to you. As long as you know you're not the only one, and that this experience really ISN'T all that unusual,
then I've succeeded.

By the way, after 12+ years of medical and cognitive treatment, I actually have gotten the enjoyment of certain activities back that once had abandoned me. It's a relief to be able to say that!!! It might happen quicker for you, and I really hope it is!!

I just hope you find qualified medical professionals that can find the right course for you.

@MuseumGhost - thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you had to go through that, too. It's awful. After all, life seems pretty pointless when you can't enjoy it.

Part of my deal was living with someone who drained all the energy out of me. He was not a good partner for me. Actually, the past week I've been having bad dreams where he's constantly trying to get my attention, forcefully take me on dates, nothing atrocious but mostly just really annoying. It makes me feel like "ugh," but I have been moving on.

I've had the fortune of both meeting new people in the past month and surrounding myself with close friends that have helped me out of this depressive funk. Two friends of mine created a mental health group chat where we can vent our feelings at any time. Same thing with a group of work folks. I also started hanging out with people again, going on 5ks, movie nights, and hikes with friends in the area.

I've also been lucky enough to meet a guy who's enthusiasm for life has restored my own depleted source. Right now we're just friends, but he has opened my eyes to how beautiful life is. And part of that is his love for music. We love a lot of the same bands. We can make inside jokes and references to music and lyrics. Instead of passively listening to music, I pay attention to the lyrics. I used to never sing around people, but nowadays I find myself singing quietly along to music at work. Or walking in the park. And of course, in the car with the music on loud!

Another contributing factor to my newly restored love for music is that my favorite band in the whole wide world, Vampire Weekend, released an incredibly produced album in May. It's creative, summery, catchy, and its lyrics relate to some of the emotions I've been experiencing: being dissatisfied with life, falling in and out of love, frustration with current politics. It's called Father of the Bride and I highly recommend it. I think a recent lsd trip and listening to this album have opened my eyes to what music can be.

See, I was always miserable before. I couldn't enjoy music. But something about staring at a ceiling and taking in every little detail of a song, from background vocals to subtle changes in drumming... I was reminded of how beautiful music is. And not only that, but how beautiful LIFE is. And even beyond that, reminded that I do not deserve to be miserable.

Life is full of amazing experiences, including listening to music, and it's not fair to me to deprive myself of enjoying those experiences.

It took me a long time to realize that. It took me a long time to end a relationship I should have ended much earlier. But in a way, going through hell taught me how bad things *can* be, and how to avoid going down that hellish rabbit hole. Because no one deserves to not enjoy this amazing, beautiful life.

Of course, your depression could also have been the situational type, which would be very understandable if someone is essentially draining all the enjoyment out of everything for you, and keeping you in a relationship that is anything but fun.

I hope that is the case, as you will definitely be able to bounce back from something like that with few hangover issues.

Thanks for the recommendation, and I sincerely hope you continue to thrive and feel better, yay!

You're a pretty perceptive person. I have the feeling you'll be fine....and that is the best thing I could wish you!

I can absolutely relate, and you're not alone on this one! Music has generally been a huge part of my life. I started playing the piano at age 5. I took lessons until I was about 12 yo. I developed a love for "adult" music at about age 7. My first ever album was Elvis - Live from Graceland, which was acquired at a yard sale. I bought many, many albums at yard sales - Elton John, Genesis, Billy Joel, etc. The mother didn't understand my love for music at all. I had to beg for the 10 cent albums I did get, which were often scratched and warped.

Anyway, I go to live concerts whenever I can. I suppose I've been to at least 100 shows in my lifetime. I have 100's of CD's, a few tapes, and some albums in my collection. I have most everything loaded up to iTunes, so I have about 3,000 songs on that thing.

Over the past 3 years, I've had quite the struggle with depression, and some anxiety. For a good 2 years, I had no interest in listening to music I started listening exclusively to podcasts and NPR. Music seemed annoying to me for the most part. I definitely didn't go out of my way to listen to anything. I felt like I was never going to want to listen to music again - nor play an instrument.

Good News - Depression has been easing up over the past several months and my love for music has returned. Yay!! It can happen, even after a very long time! I hope your interest will return very soon! Hang in there, and never give up!