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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 01:57 AM
  #1
I won't commit suicide because I'm too scared of some kind of possible eternal punishment or that if I screw it up (solid possibility) that I'll wind up paralyzed or something for life and be a burden on my family.

But every day is just horrible. Pure, searing, pain and shame with no shred of happiness. I'm going to be 35 soon and through some stupidity and **** luck I'm completely broke with no real career. I took a job for the last month or so for 38K that just paid the bills and took a different one now that will pay 47K. For my age, that's straight up embarrassing. I'm looking for a nights and weekends job to be a bartender or something but that's really hard to get too. Being 35 with no money and no career is incredibly severe.

If only that was really it though. I'm also single because I was messed with sexually when I was young and never developed a sexual attraction to women. It's always been about companionship but obviously my relationships fizzle when it gets to the part of having sex. So I'm also basically a virgin. I spent kind of frivolously when I was young because I never thought I'd get married and have a family because I'm so messed up in that way.

I don't look forward to anything anymore because nothing is fun anymore. I love my parents but all I feel around them is pure shame. One day they'll know what a failure I am, and on top of that I won't be able to give them that dream of seeing their child get married and/or have kids. I love my friends but it's the same thing, all I feel is pure shame. What scares me is I love playing sports and that was always the one escape I had where I didn't think about anything else...and that's gone now too. This is all I can ever think about.

It's all a vicious cycle. When I had money, there were fun times but no real end game because I had no aspirations to get married or have kids. Now, ironically, those are things that are kind of entering my mind but I won't be able to because I don't have money or a career and I'm going to be 40 in 5 years. I can't go back to school because I can't afford it, and in when I can in the future, I shouldn't because I need to build a decent base for savings at this point of my life so I don't starve when I'm older. I'll probably have to work 2 jobs the rest of my life. I don't necessarily mind that because there's no fun to be had for me now anyways but it still stinks.

Every morning I get up at 5AM and pray to the universe and if there is a God, to just take my life. Just please end this. Severe anxiety, depression, and shame is what every single day of my life is. Every day is the worst day of my life. The best day of my life will be the day I die. I read about people dying all the time and ask why it can't be me instead. I've heard of people that get things like pancreatic cancer and have months to live and they're successful, happy people. Give it to me instead. I'd be ecstatic to have that. But with my luck, I'll likely get a cancer that I'll suffer with and unfortunately survive.

There is nothing I can do to shut all if off. I can't watch movies or shows because it feels like a waste of time when I need to think about ways to make money or put together some kind of career. Medication won't help because it's not going to give me a great job and money and fix me sexually. Therapy and the lists of gratitude isn't going to help. Gratitude for what?

I wasn't always like this. I used to be a pretty happy person. I've always loved kids and it was always sad for me that I was never going to be able to have a family, but I hid it so well. I've always volunteered with Special Olympics and was a special ed paraprofessional for a couple of years. Some of my favorite moments. I can't face them anymore with what I turned out to be. A 35 year old loser with no career, money, little in the way of possessions, unmarried, etc.

I just want peace. And I'll never have it. I envy anyone who can just sit outside and enjoy life. Or watch something and just relax. I'm not even bitter. Good for everyone else. I've heard before that life needs balance. Maybe there has to be people like me for other people to look at and realize how good they have it. Maybe that's my role.

There is no way out of this. You can't be my age and have no career or money or assets and not struggle financially for the rest of your life. I won't have a spouse or a kid to fall back on to live off love. And I'm too scared to end my own life. So the only choice is bear each day and hope I die somehow. It's going to be insanely tough to do this for 30+ more years. I don't even want to think about being one of the "lucky" ones that makes it to 90 or more.

Please if any of you are people that pray, pray for whatever's out there to end my misery.

- Joe
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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 03:16 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by lost4357669 View Post
I won't commit suicide because I'm too scared of some kind of possible eternal punishment or that if I screw it up (solid possibility) that I'll wind up paralyzed or something for life and be a burden on my family.

But every day is just horrible. Pure, searing, pain and shame with no shred of happiness. I'm going to be 35 soon and through some stupidity and **** luck I'm completely broke with no real career. I took a job for the last month or so for 38K that just paid the bills and took a different one now that will pay 47K. For my age, that's straight up embarrassing. I'm looking for a nights and weekends job to be a bartender or something but that's really hard to get too. Being 35 with no money and no career is incredibly severe.

If only that was really it though. I'm also single because I was messed with sexually when I was young and never developed a sexual attraction to women. It's always been about companionship but obviously my relationships fizzle when it gets to the part of having sex. So I'm also basically a virgin. I spent kind of frivolously when I was young because I never thought I'd get married and have a family because I'm so messed up in that way.

I don't look forward to anything anymore because nothing is fun anymore. I love my parents but all I feel around them is pure shame. One day they'll know what a failure I am, and on top of that I won't be able to give them that dream of seeing their child get married and/or have kids. I love my friends but it's the same thing, all I feel is pure shame. What scares me is I love playing sports and that was always the one escape I had where I didn't think about anything else...and that's gone now too. This is all I can ever think about.

It's all a vicious cycle. When I had money, there were fun times but no real end game because I had no aspirations to get married or have kids. Now, ironically, those are things that are kind of entering my mind but I won't be able to because I don't have money or a career and I'm going to be 40 in 5 years. I can't go back to school because I can't afford it, and in when I can in the future, I shouldn't because I need to build a decent base for savings at this point of my life so I don't starve when I'm older. I'll probably have to work 2 jobs the rest of my life. I don't necessarily mind that because there's no fun to be had for me now anyways but it still stinks.

Every morning I get up at 5AM and pray to the universe and if there is a God, to just take my life. Just please end this. Severe anxiety, depression, and shame is what every single day of my life is. Every day is the worst day of my life. The best day of my life will be the day I die. I read about people dying all the time and ask why it can't be me instead. I've heard of people that get things like pancreatic cancer and have months to live and they're successful, happy people. Give it to me instead. I'd be ecstatic to have that. But with my luck, I'll likely get a cancer that I'll suffer with and unfortunately survive.

There is nothing I can do to shut all if off. I can't watch movies or shows because it feels like a waste of time when I need to think about ways to make money or put together some kind of career. Medication won't help because it's not going to give me a great job and money and fix me sexually. Therapy and the lists of gratitude isn't going to help. Gratitude for what?

I wasn't always like this. I used to be a pretty happy person. I've always loved kids and it was always sad for me that I was never going to be able to have a family, but I hid it so well. I've always volunteered with Special Olympics and was a special ed paraprofessional for a couple of years. Some of my favorite moments. I can't face them anymore with what I turned out to be. A 35 year old loser with no career, money, little in the way of possessions, unmarried, etc.

I just want peace. And I'll never have it. I envy anyone who can just sit outside and enjoy life. Or watch something and just relax. I'm not even bitter. Good for everyone else. I've heard before that life needs balance. Maybe there has to be people like me for other people to look at and realize how good they have it. Maybe that's my role.

There is no way out of this. You can't be my age and have no career or money or assets and not struggle financially for the rest of your life. I won't have a spouse or a kid to fall back on to live off love. And I'm too scared to end my own life. So the only choice is bear each day and hope I die somehow. It's going to be insanely tough to do this for 30+ more years. I don't even want to think about being one of the "lucky" ones that makes it to 90 or more.

Please if any of you are people that pray, pray for whatever's out there to end my misery.

- Joe
Hello Joe.

Nice to meet you. You are not alone in your feelings of despair and hopelessness. Yes, while your income may not make things "fall into your lap" - but rather, cause you to plan n struggle a bit to get things done .. it is still an income, and it's one that allows you to provide for yourself. Be proud of that. You don't need to be living high style to be successful - very few ever do make it into the high style living. You are successful by being able to make sure you survive from day to day. I am older than you and make half your income. I don't have a job. I am on disability instead. Do I see it as a failing? No. Why? Because the money I receive allows me to survive - and I know where help is available if I need it. Because the disability allows me to be as happy and healthy as I can be. Because I earned the monies I make while I was working. I am a success bc I have made sure I can survive and be as happy and healthy as possible.

I didn't get married til around your age, and my husband was older. Marriage does not have an age limit. If you truly want children - that too can be done at most any age, even by adoption if needed. My point is - you are counting yourself out before you really give yourself a chance.

It's good you won't kill yourself. That shows strength. It shows courage. It shows resilience. It shows you have will power.

Now ... why can't you use these things to give yourself the chance you deserve? The chance at happiness. You don't need to be well off to be happy. You don't need to be married to be happy. You don't need to have kids to be happy. What you need - is a desire to be happy. You have that, but you are also tryinv to put out the flames of that desire. Don't. Let it burn bright. Use that to guide you as you use your strength, will power, courage, and resilience to find the happiness you deserve. ❤

Blessings to you.

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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 10:15 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind View Post
Hello Joe.

Nice to meet you. You are not alone in your feelings of despair and hopelessness. Yes, while your income may not make things "fall into your lap" - but rather, cause you to plan n struggle a bit to get things done .. it is still an income, and it's one that allows you to provide for yourself. Be proud of that. You don't need to be living high style to be successful - very few ever do make it into the high style living. You are successful by being able to make sure you survive from day to day. I am older than you and make half your income. I don't have a job. I am on disability instead. Do I see it as a failing? No. Why? Because the money I receive allows me to survive - and I know where help is available if I need it. Because the disability allows me to be as happy and healthy as I can be. Because I earned the monies I make while I was working. I am a success bc I have made sure I can survive and be as happy and healthy as possible.

I didn't get married til around your age, and my husband was older. Marriage does not have an age limit. If you truly want children - that too can be done at most any age, even by adoption if needed. My point is - you are counting yourself out before you really give yourself a chance.

It's good you won't kill yourself. That shows strength. It shows courage. It shows resilience. It shows you have will power.

Now ... why can't you use these things to give yourself the chance you deserve? The chance at happiness. You don't need to be well off to be happy. You don't need to be married to be happy. You don't need to have kids to be happy. What you need - is a desire to be happy. You have that, but you are also tryinv to put out the flames of that desire. Don't. Let it burn bright. Use that to guide you as you use your strength, will power, courage, and resilience to find the happiness you deserve. ❤

Blessings to you.
Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it. And I am sorry to hear about your disability. And I'm happy for you that you have someone.

I don't see how I can. I don't have money and my brain isn't wired like everyone else's in terms of sexually. Ever since what happened to me when I was young, I just don't have that.

Surviving is also putting it lightly. It is very severe to have nothing in savings at my age, and with my low incomes it's going to be such a struggle to save every month.

I don't know what happiness looks like. I have no money. I feel nothing but shame with family and friends so I can't have fun ever. My mind races too much to enjoy simple things like movies or walks outside. I can't date because no woman will ultimately want someone without money or a real career or is messed up sexually.

It's a strange thing to have nothing to look forward to. Time is just stagnant. My life is literally just waiting for every moment to be over. I wish I could even say to get to sleep, but my anxiety is pounding when I go to bed and when I wake up too. There's no peace. I just have to find a way to get through this life and hope something is better on the other side. I'm trying to fill up my time the best I can with 2 jobs, volunteering, and sports if I can even though I don't enjoy them anymore. My plan is to ultimately save up some money and move to some small town where nobody knows me and just do the same, work a couple of jobs, volunteer, exercise and live in seclusion and just hope I'm so tired at the end of the day that I can get a modicum of peace and sleep.

The truth is, life is a dark, horrible thing. It is beautiful for some people. They created sayings like "Everything will be OK" because for probably half the people, it will be and it can save their lives.

I think about suicide and death all the time, I'm just not brave enough to do it. Every time I see a hotel I look to see if it's high enough without protrusions to where I could make it work if I leapt from the top. In the city, I walk under construction beams and just hope one will fall on me. Or when my anxiety is so overwhelming and I can feel my chest hurt and my heart beat irryhtmically, that I'll have a heart attack or something.

I just want it to be over so bad. The ironic thing is, that's when I feel like almost being 35 is young. It's too old to really turn things around, but young to hope for the death every day because it's likely not coming for at least 30 years. It's going to be agonizing.
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Default Apr 21, 2019 at 12:11 PM
  #4
Quote:
Thank you for the reply, I appreciate it. And I am sorry to hear about your disability. And I'm happy for you that you have someone.
I have someone now, yes .. but at the time I had given up on finding anyone. I was homeless and living in a shelter. I was not looking for anyone at all. It's not always good either. In fact, we divorced for a time. We are remarried now but we still have arguments. Life is not perfect - with or without someone to share it with.

Quote:
I don't see how I can. I don't have money and my brain isn't wired like everyone else's in terms of sexually. Ever since what happened to me when I was young, I just don't have that.
My husband and I have a very limited sex life bc both of us have had "bad things" happen to us in our past regarding that. We love and respect one another to work with the things and amount that is acceptable to both. That's what love is - accepting one another for who and what they are. There is someone like that out there for you too, but finding them is generally easier when you are not searching bc then you are just yourself (not trying to impress).

Quote:
Surviving is also putting it lightly. It is very severe to have nothing in savings at my age, and with my low incomes it's going to be such a struggle to save every month.
I know precisely what it is to live paycheck to paycheck. It's how I have lived ever since leaving my dad's house when I was 18. You're right, it's not fun - but you ARE surviving. And .. there are ways of doing small things for enjoyment from time to time. For instance, one thing we do when we want to buy something nice is pawn something to a pawn store that allows items to stay on pawn for 3mo or more so long as you pay interest - and then during those extra months, save aside $20 or so in order to pay off the pawn.

Quote:
I don't know what happiness looks like. I have no money. I feel nothing but shame with family and friends so I can't have fun ever.
Honestly - if you are feeling shame and it's bc of something your family is doing or saying to you .. then you need to either limit contact or sever contact. If you feel shame because you wanted to impress them when you were this age - then, you need to understand nobody (or perhaps very few) ever has the reality they dreamt of as a kid. Part of life is adjusting. That does not mean you can never be what you wanted to be, but if you spend your life bemoaning what you wanted to be by now - then you definitely will never be what you wanted to be.

Quote:
My mind races too much to enjoy simple things like movies or walks outside. I can't date because no woman will ultimately want someone without money or a real career or is messed up sexually.
You keep telling me what you "can't do". Tell me what you CAN do. I know you can do something. We all can.

Quote:
It's a strange thing to have nothing to look forward to. Time is just stagnant. My life is literally just waiting for every moment to be over. I wish I could even say to get to sleep, but my anxiety is pounding when I go to bed and when I wake up too. There's no peace. I just have to find a way to get through this life and hope something is better on the other side. I'm trying to fill up my time the best I can with 2 jobs, volunteering, and sports if I can even though I don't enjoy them anymore. My plan is to ultimately save up some money and move to some small town where nobody knows me and just do the same, work a couple of jobs, volunteer, exercise and live in seclusion and just hope I'm so tired at the end of the day that I can get a modicum of peace and sleep.
Part of that plan should be to figure out what works to help you get better and follow through with that. Is that part of your plan?

Quote:
The truth is, life is a dark, horrible thing. It is beautiful for some people. They created sayings like "Everything will be OK" because for probably half the people, it will be and it can save their lives.
I hate that saying myself. To me, it's like a smack in the face.

Quote:
I think about suicide and death all the time, I'm just not brave enough to do it. Every time I see a hotel I look to see if it's high enough without protrusions to where I could make it work if I leapt from the top. In the city, I walk under construction beams and just hope one will fall on me. Or when my anxiety is so overwhelming and I can feel my chest hurt and my heart beat irryhtmically, that I'll have a heart attack or something.
Thinking about it and doing it are two separate things. Depression will cause you to think of it. It takes courage, strength, and willpower to resist that urge. Depression lies to you and tells you it is weakness and just fear. It is you using reason and logic in order to continue to be strong and keep your will power in tact. It takes courage each time you choose to use that logic and reason.

Quote:
I just want it to be over so bad. The ironic thing is, that's when I feel like almost being 35 is young. It's too old to really turn things around, but young to hope for the death every day because it's likely not coming for at least 30 years. It's going to be agonizing.

It is a young age. I learned that when I was 12 and my Mom died when she was 42. Ever since then, no age has seems "old" to me - but anything under 45 is "young". I will turn 45 in a couple months.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, you have problems. Yes, you have issues. Yes, you have faults. But - all of us here do .. and everyone without mh problems does too, just a different set. That's why we need each other .. we need friends, we need support groups - if we are lucky we have loving families and spouses. Life is never easy .. but we can make it the best it can be for us. That's why the quote I have saved my life so many times .. "moments that take my breath away" are both good and bad. I see the bad a lot. I deserve to see the good. I sure don't want to miss the moments that are so good they take my breath away .. do you want to miss any of yours?

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Default Apr 22, 2019 at 09:14 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind View Post
I have someone now, yes .. but at the time I had given up on finding anyone. I was homeless and living in a shelter. I was not looking for anyone at all. It's not always good either. In fact, we divorced for a time. We are remarried now but we still have arguments. Life is not perfect - with or without someone to share it with.

I am sorry to hear that, but I do think it is better to have someone to share it with.

My husband and I have a very limited sex life bc both of us have had "bad things" happen to us in our past regarding that. We love and respect one another to work with the things and amount that is acceptable to both. That's what love is - accepting one another for who and what they are. There is someone like that out there for you too, but finding them is generally easier when you are not searching bc then you are just yourself (not trying to impress).

That is great. I'm definitely not searching because of my financial/career status right now. But I'm never going to be able to catch up as far as that goes.

I know precisely what it is to live paycheck to paycheck. It's how I have lived ever since leaving my dad's house when I was 18. You're right, it's not fun - but you ARE surviving. And .. there are ways of doing small things for enjoyment from time to time. For instance, one thing we do when we want to buy something nice is pawn something to a pawn store that allows items to stay on pawn for 3mo or more so long as you pay interest - and then during those extra months, save aside $20 or so in order to pay off the pawn.

It is cool that you can take enjoyment from something like that. I just don't see it for myself. Everything just feels shameful to me and I can't take joy out of little things like that.

Honestly - if you are feeling shame and it's bc of something your family is doing or saying to you .. then you need to either limit contact or sever contact. If you feel shame because you wanted to impress them when you were this age - then, you need to understand nobody (or perhaps very few) ever has the reality they dreamt of as a kid. Part of life is adjusting. That does not mean you can never be what you wanted to be, but if you spend your life bemoaning what you wanted to be by now - then you definitely will never be what you wanted to be.

It's actually almost the opposite. My parents were middle class and pretty much gave me every opportunity to succeed in life. But through my 20's I pretty much didn't care about really driving towards a real career and spent frivolously because I was messed up sexually because of some things that happened when I was a kid and didn't really have any attraction towards human beings so I never thought I'd get married or have kids so I just didn't care about saving anything. And now things are changing and I have nothing. And I won't be able to make my parents proud.

You keep telling me what you "can't do". Tell me what you CAN do. I know you can do something. We all can.

I can do things, but none of them feel good. Literally nothing in life feels good anymore. I just feel horrible all the time and I can't stop it. Nothing I used to do like play sports, being outside, eating good food, hanging out with friends or family...it all feels awful. Everything is a struggle. And there is no end because I'm never going to be able to catch up.

Part of that plan should be to figure out what works to help you get better and follow through with that. Is that part of your plan?

Not really, I just figured being in a new place in seclusion won't hurt as much. I don't know if that's real or not. I don't know if there is any kind of alleviation to this.

I hate that saying myself. To me, it's like a smack in the face.


Thinking about it and doing it are two separate things. Depression will cause you to think of it. It takes courage, strength, and willpower to resist that urge. Depression lies to you and tells you it is weakness and just fear. It is you using reason and logic in order to continue to be strong and keep your will power in tact. It takes courage each time you choose to use that logic and reason.



It is a young age. I learned that when I was 12 and my Mom died when she was 42. Ever since then, no age has seems "old" to me - but anything under 45 is "young". I will turn 45 in a couple months.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Yes, you have problems. Yes, you have issues. Yes, you have faults. But - all of us here do .. and everyone without mh problems does too, just a different set. That's why we need each other .. we need friends, we need support groups - if we are lucky we have loving families and spouses. Life is never easy .. but we can make it the best it can be for us. That's why the quote I have saved my life so many times .. "moments that take my breath away" are both good and bad. I see the bad a lot. I deserve to see the good. I sure don't want to miss the moments that are so good they take my breath away .. do you want to miss any of yours?
I do appreciate that and I am happy for you that you can feel those moments. I'm not sure I will ever be able to. I don't know what a good moment looks like anymore. I can't get that time back and I can't be "normal" and feel the way other people do sexually or about their gender of choice.

I'm just completely dead inside and I want out so badly. It's not like a breakup with a girl where people are right that time heals the wounds. I'm always going to be 10 years behind everyone in finances and career growth. I'm always going to be messed up sexually.

I'm just so scared that this is what life is for 30 or more years. Just agonizing, shameful pain every moment of every day.
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Default Apr 22, 2019 at 09:58 AM
  #6
I’m sorry that I don’t have advice. I’m here reading and sending positive thoughts. Life can so hard, I completely relate

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Default Apr 22, 2019 at 11:42 AM
  #7
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I do appreciate that and I am happy for you that you can feel those moments. I'm not sure I will ever be able to. I don't know what a good moment looks like anymore. I can't get that time back and I can't be "normal" and feel the way other people do sexually or about their gender of choice.

I'm just completely dead inside and I want out so badly. It's not like a breakup with a girl where people are right that time heals the wounds. I'm always going to be 10 years behind everyone in finances and career growth. I'm always going to be messed up sexually.

I'm just so scared that this is what life is for 30 or more years. Just agonizing, shameful pain every moment of every day.
You say "I'm not sure what a good moment looks like anymore. That means that at some point you did know - meaning at some point you had at least one good moment. It may have been a long time - but you do know, you just gave up on it happening again. Question is: what if it does? Don't you want to experience it? See - I went 30 years just to have a moment without depression. That lasted 2yr and now here I am again. I still never had a moment that took my breath away. But - what if I did?

See .. that's the thought.

As far as being "normal" - it has been my thought for a long time that there is no normal .. we all have "issues" and those who can't admit it are the worst among us. So don't try so hard to "fit in" - be yourself. The only way you need to fit in is so you can function to survive financially, health wise (physical, mental, emotional), and to not harm yourself or others. So .. you do what you need to do to make yourself comfortable enough with who you are to satisfy those things .. and you got it made. ❤

I know what it is to be dead inside .. it's how I have been and why I came back .. but it's not a reason for us to give up hope. I admit though, I go through phases of that myself, I am fighting it with all I am worth trying to find a counselor bc I have nobody else to talk to n I know where this road leads me - been down it too many times .. n its not a place I wanna be again. Do you have a counselor?

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My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.