Muted

Why is it when I am depressed it doesn't matter where I go or who I go to - it seems there are rules or expectations or boundaries or etc .. that say I cannot express everything I am thinking or feeling? Where can I go when I cant go to friends, family, places like these, and can't find a counselor that takes my insurance? How do I get myself heard? Do I just stay muted? Am I expected to let it fester? How then will it get better? I don't know anymore .. I just don't.

I've been writing alot lately and that seems to help. Practically no one understands me and how I think. It's beyond their capabilities too understand people that's different than them. No one in my family is life me. I'm a duck in a family of swans.

I write a lot also. But things that used to soothe me - like writing poetry or on here - just don't seem to anymore. Counselors (if they listen) can help - but I am having difficulty with my insurance. My family (except my sister) has drifted from me and my sister speaks to me via FaceBook. The friends I had seem to think I need to shut up and/or go away - even if they ask me for help. So .. I'm just really depressed and need to truly vent all my thoughts n feelings. Not just "the acceptable" ones. Yet - I can't. So, it festers, and gets worse. One day the floodgates will burst - and it never needed to go that far. I have been trying from the start of the reemergence of my depression to stop it from getting that far. It seems ppl just want to see me fail..

It's because they don't understand you which sucks and the reason why I haven't spoken to my parents in over a year or seen any of my brothers or sisters. I'm still working on friends but how can I be myself? Because it will just cause them to alienate me . And it's a lot of work faking it and being normal when I dont like it. I think that's the biggest reason why I've started to volunteer. Even though I still cant be myself around them they are such happy people and want's to live in a better world.

I've been on a search for others like myself and think I might have found 2 women that has the same traits yet neither one of us has said hey I'm bipolar. I've been getting worse and worse due to this loneliness over the last couple months. Typing on a fourm or writing just takes away some boredom but it's not what I need.

It's really nice spending time with someone that knows and is just like you. No need to explain yourself or even talk about it but just enjoy ourselves doing stuff together. I had a friend that I did everything with but it got over complicated and ended a few months ago. And I've been looking for more people like me to hang out with but if they are like me they're just blended in with everyone else but deep inside sad AF.

And due to the over diagnosis of bipolar when I went to a support group not one of them was like me. But more depression disorder or the BP2 which is more depression and also the other forms of bipolar which i also can't relate with either. So it's very frustrating and more so because I found someone and they're gone now because they didn't want to accept who they were and out trying to be something their not. I guess I also went through that phase too but it didnt help but made it worse because you can't stop being bipolar even if you can blend in with everyone.

My anger and rage just keeps building and i feel a massive episode coming soon if I don't fill the void. Even 1 friend that's psychically here and not online is what I need. Seriously is that too much to ask?

I actually have come to the decision a long time ago that there is no "normal" .. everyone is messed up in some way - its those among us that can't admit it that are the worst. I can't volunteer - it makes me worse emotionally speaking. Too much stress.

It is nice to have others like us in our lives - but be careful. I did that, and wound up in an abusive relationship. We got it worked out now - but it took many years, and a divorce .. and remarriage. Speaking of misdiagnosis - bipolar and borderline personality disorder are often confused for one another and thus misdiagnosed as one anothrr (i was diagnosed back n forth for 15yrs.. they finally settled on borderline personality disorder). I do agree we need to accept who we are - but our labels (diagnosis) can be hard to accept bc they are not "who we are" they are just "part of us". I too would like someone offline that I can talk to. I have a husband, but he doesnt like to talk about things regarding emotions. That's what has me so upset.

I hope you will find someone to talk to soon. &hugs*

For several years I was just Joe and refused to be labeled. I've never liked to be labeled because even within that label we have our own specific characteristics. Theres similarities of course but we're still different to some extent. With a world of stereotypes once you have a label they'll see you as the worse type they've heard of even if it's completely false. Society thinks if you have a mental disorder then you can't have any kind of job other than entry level. There's normal people that work in entry level positions as well as executive positions. Same goes for bipolar people.

Anyways I just got off the phone with a friend that I've been texting for the last 2 weeks. Our personalities are very similar with one another making our conversation enjoyable. It's been awhile since I've had a voice conversation vs typed conversations other than work of course. And it'll be strictly just friends only and hopefully it will be very long lasting relationship. Nothing beats true friends that's almost like family. I think we all need those friends in our life. Even being married you just need a friend because it's exhausting to always go to just your wife/husband for everything under the sun. Its great to have a different view on something when you already know what your spouse will say. Or in your case your husband doesnt want to talk about it. And I can totally understand your frustration. My wife isn't bipolar so she doesn't understand or have anything she can say about it. She just looks at me with pity. :/

I hope you find a friend that actually understands and cares about you. If you come to San Diego let me know and we all can do lunch, I know like all the best restaurants.

Thanks for understanding. I agree with you about labels. For a long time I never would accept mine either for the same reason. Now I don't care. I am glad you have a friend you can voice chat now. And yes - spouses can be predictable, lol .. but it van still be nice to "bounce it off them" sometimes. Sounds like fun going out to restaurants n etc .. but we live on opposite sides of the country, lol. I live in TN. At one time I lived in Benicia Calif tho.

((((((((((( Crypts ))))))))))

(*(*(*(Fuzzybear)*)*)*) thank you