[Fuzzybear]

I think this is cruel.

Feelings can’t always be “controlled” imho...

And harshly invalidating them and berating them when they are brave enough to share their true feelings is not humane.. imho.

I think it’s now a well accepted psychological idea that change is more likely to occur if there is acceptance and respect...

This has happened to me many times, in real life, people invalidating my pain and my feelings.

I didn’t cry when I broke a limb when I was little... I already had learnt the

?? Lesson ?? That feelings are to be shunned and to be ashamed of

Does anyone else find being invalidated and blamed for having feelings isn’t helpful?

Love and respect to all

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I think this is cruel.

Feelings can’t always be “controlled” imho...

And harshly invalidating them and berating them when they are brave enough to share their true feelings is not humane.. imho.

I think it’s now a well accepted psychological idea that change is more likely to occur if there is acceptance and respect...

This has happened to me many times, in real life, people invalidating my pain and my feelings.

I didn’t cry when I broke a limb when I was little... I already had learnt the

?? Lesson ?? That feelings are to be shunned and to be ashamed of

Does anyone else find being invalidated and blamed for having feelings isn’t helpful?

Love and respect to all

It used to put me further into depression when this happened - now I get fighting mad. I guess it's bc of counseling I had when I was being abused. I was really submissive when I was being abused. During the counseling I learned it is good to care about people and lift them up and help them - it is not ok to let them stomp on you while doing that or any other reason. After 30yrs of being stomped on - and then learning it never had to happen in the first place ... I was mad. Now anytime anyone mistreated me - my wrath comes down upon them. When my husband n I first got back together again, my counselor was concerned, bc he had been my last abuser. And - every once in awhile he would start showing signs n I would tell him n he would back down. Every once in awhile though, he would tease me , "well you never know I might decide to do that again". (Which ofc is true of abusers - but even tho I was cautious I wasn't scared.) Still .. I brought it up to my counselor just to be honest with her. She said he was telling the truth when he said I never knew if he might start again. I said - I know, but what he doesnt know is I'm not the same person. She asked what I meant. I said now when he gets like that, I get angry, not scared. So angry it almost scares me. She asked if the anger or the fear is better. I said "I don't know - I guess the anger .. bc it gives me more control of the situation - I just don't know if I will always have control of myself." Wasn't long after that she deemed me ready to quit counseling.

I still get super angry like that. And - telling me or otherwise implying or suggesting I cannot express or talk about my emotions or feelings is one thing that brings it out. I seriously almost think I need anger management these days - but I really would rather the anger than the "step on me please" feeling I had for do many years.

So .. I agree, telling people to "stuff it" is not helpful.

Telling them to analyze to make sure they are perceiving correctly and therefore reacting appropriately is helpful (in my opinion).

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks for sharing Crypts, this makes a lot of sense to me

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

It used to put me further into depression when this happened - now I get fighting mad. I guess it's bc of counseling I had when I was being abused. I was really submissive when I was being abused. During the counseling I learned it is good to care about people and lift them up and help them - it is not ok to let them stomp on you while doing that or any other reason. After 30yrs of being stomped on - and then learning it never had to happen in the first place ... I was mad. Now anytime anyone mistreated me - my wrath comes down upon them. When my husband n I first got back together again, my counselor was concerned, bc he had been my last abuser. And - every once in awhile he would start showing signs n I would tell him n he would back down. Every once in awhile though, he would tease me , "well you never know I might decide to do that again". (Which ofc is true of abusers - but even tho I was cautious I wasn't scared.) Still .. I brought it up to my counselor just to be honest with her. She said he was telling the truth when he said I never knew if he might start again. I said - I know, but what he doesnt know is I'm not the same person. She asked what I meant. I said now when he gets like that, I get angry, not scared. So angry it almost scares me. She asked if the anger or the fear is better. I said "I don't know - I guess the anger .. bc it gives me more control of the situation - I just don't know if I will always have control of myself." Wasn't long after that she deemed me ready to quit counseling.

I still get super angry like that. And - telling me or otherwise implying or suggesting I cannot express or talk about my emotions or feelings is one thing that brings it out. I seriously almost think I need anger management these days - but I really would rather the anger than the "step on me please" feeling I had for do many years.

So .. I agree, telling people to "stuff it" is not helpful.

Telling them to analyze to make sure they are perceiving correctly and therefore reacting appropriately is helpful (in my opinion).

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

You're welcome my friend ❤❤

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Fuzzybear! Yes, Crypts_Of_The_Mind has already wisely and wonderfully spoken and I completely agree with EVERYTHING that's she's said better than I ever could in years! Being invalidated for expressing your feelings and yourself IS NEVER GOOD and NEVER HELPFUL AT ALL! You're absolutely righ, Fuzzybear, when you say that feelings can't be controlled and that we have EVERY RIGHT to express them as much as you need it and want it! I'm so sorry you were blamed simply for expressing them and that they made you feel ashamed of yourself! No one should EVER be blamed simply for how he's feeling about ANYTHING at all or to be treated like this! You were a GREAT bear cub, Fuzzybear! You deserved MUCH, MUCH better that! I'm so sorry you were treated this HORRIBLY and I hope you'll be able to get the love and respect that you TRULY deserve and need and you'll feel loved and respected for who the VERY CARING, KIND, SPECIAL, SUPPORTIVE, WISE AND WONDERFUL PERSON that you TRULY ARE!! You'll certainly get that love from us, Fuzzybear, since we DO appreciate you for who you truly are! I PROMISE YOU THAT! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Fuzzybear!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, Fuzzybear! Yes, Crypts_Of_The_Mind has already wisely and wonderfully spoken and I completely agree with EVERYTHING that's she's said better than I ever could in years! Being invalidated for expressing your feelings and yourself IS NEVER GOOD and NEVER HELPFUL AT ALL! You're absolutely righ, Fuzzybear, when you say that feelings can't be controlled and that we have EVERY RIGHT to express them as much as you need it and want it! I'm so sorry you were blamed simply for expressing them and that they made you feel ashamed of yourself! No one should EVER be blamed simply for how he's feeling about ANYTHING at all or to be treated like this! You were a GREAT bear cub, Fuzzybear! You deserved MUCH, MUCH better that! I'm so sorry you were treated this HORRIBLY and I hope you'll be able to get the love and respect that you TRULY deserve and need and you'll feel loved and respected for who the VERY CARING, KIND, SPECIAL, SUPPORTIVE, WISE AND WONDERFUL PERSON that you TRULY ARE!! You'll certainly get that love from us, Fuzzybear, since we DO
appreciate you for who you truly are! I PROMISE YOU THAT! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Fuzzybear

Thanks so much Mickey Cheeky