Back to Week #1

So this week is (again) the first week after a few days off and at home. it was SO nice and SO resting to have 4 days off in a row.

today at work was ok as any other monday. my mind is so far away from work that although i can stay focused, work goes on in the background. didnt have many feelings or thoughts about P... my mind was just lost.

i binged on chocolate telling myself once its ran out i wont buy it again, but i know i will. i just couldnt help it. but at this point i'll have to heavily restrict again

my health issues are getting better so im not going to see the dr. after all. thats a relief.

there are a few more things that happened today but they are stupid details and i wont go into them. i hope the rest of the week goes as today…
have a nice week to everyone!

(((((((((((( sinking )))))))))))

Today was an ok day too. this morning at work was hard because i had a million doubts and got scared because i realized i must have done a lot of wrong things while fixing appts lately because i didnt follow the instructions right. not big mistakes, no real problems to anyone who called, but just appts not correctly fixed.

then went home, had lunch and my mind went blank again so that this afternoon was easier. except that the last hour i really wished i was sent home early because i was tired and sleepy for not sleeping well tonight and my eyes and head were tired and aching, but they didnt... well, i survived.

then went home, took a nice long hot shower and came at my parents bringing them the dinner. im a bit bothered since lately i've been paying for extra dinners for them and they have kept asking me to buy items for them, but i know i shouldnt complain since they have done so much for me. im just bothered because i have spent a lot more money this month in comparison to other months…

then tonight my brother helped me downloading a song i wanted and i was thankful to him. i fed the cats, cuddled a bit with them and came here on PC.

tomorrow is holiday here and im glad it breaks the week and i hope i'll be able to sleep more and better tonight. i just hope for a good resting day tomorrow...

Today was an ok day off. i slept better but then the day didnt start well since the family friends with their grandkids had come here to visit my parents. luckily they didnt see me (i ran back to my bedroom as soon as i heard their voices as if i had seen a ghost!) and they left quite early (after 30mins i had woken up). i saw them leave from the window and i felt a huge SADNESS mostly for my parents, because im a huge DISAPPOINTMENT to them and im sure we both feel also ENVY for the family friends. all of this because they have something i wont be able to give to my parents. i wont have a bf, a husband, a family with my own kids. i also probably wont live much longer (and i hope so).

the rest of the day was spent with my cat and tv series. my dad wasted (in his opinion) 5 mins of his time to help me with my bills to pay. there was nothing to do, just checking that everything was alright and we didnt even get to do that! i'll try again tomorrow.

tomorrow i'll be back to work. this week i'll see my friend on thurs (tomorrow) rather than friday because on friday i have my Home's anniversary. i dont feel like going there and celebrating the ritual but i cant not go and not doing it. on fri i'll also see my T and im curious to know what she thinks of my letter.

but i cant wait for sat night because i'll finally be free from this week, from my job, from the course and i'll have a day off again (not much, but better than nothing).

sometimes… often… i wonder how have i managed to live so long, how can i put up with daily life… every single day! sometimes… often… it feels too much and i cant wait for it all to be over with. i know i have the power to stop all of this whenever i want it, but even though it is easy, in some ways its not. why am i putting myself through this agony day after day? i wish quitting was easier than it is.

Today didnt start well at all. i had a lot of problems at work. thankfully there was P next to me so it made it better but really today was hard. really hard!

when i got home for lunch i found a message in the mailbox saying they had to deliver me a letter and to go get it asap. along with being worried about what it is about (something to pay for???), im worried about when i'll be able to go and get it. today i cant because i work. tomorrow i see T so i cant either. am i going to have to wait until monday? so that on monday i cant go to the grocery store? this has me all entangled in myself and my plans. i hate it when my plans are ruined or too full to have time to breathe. and im still fighting with more burocratic stuff that i hate

hoping the rest of the day at work will be easier, i see my friend tonight. at least that should be good. but first i should pass by a pharmacy for "that" problem that hasnt gone away. its been there for more than a week and i hope a cream will solve it without having to go to the gyn. but i'll have to explain the problem to the pharmacist and its very embarassing and i wish i didnt have to.

but whats really worrying me is tomorrow night at the Home anniversary. maybe i'll drink a little to make it easier. i cant find any other solution. and i have not decided yet whether to tell my mom im going there or not. i want her to know im still suffering because of it, but at the same time i dont feel like hearing her saying how it should be time to stop it and forget. i dont know… i cant wait for tomorrow night to be over with. then it should be easier. i hope.

I have to add that this afternoon went better than i thought.

Work was easier, and when i finished it, P accepted my offer for a ride to the city center. we only spent a few mins together but there were a lot of things i could think of to talk about with him. there have been a few moments of embarassing silence but not so many and not so bad. there is only one thing that makes me feel akward with him… i like to speak in dialect while he speaks in italian. im not sure why. its not a big deal, but i consider it as a matter of good education. i dont want to change myself for him or be different than i am, except if it makes it difficult for him to be or talk with me. anyway, he also said i had a nice sweater and my feminine part was all pleased and flattered. i may start dressing better for him!

at the pharmacy it was embarassing but the pharmacist gave me a simple suggestion and i had nothing to buy. i hope it will work. i'll try with it for a few days and if it still doesnt work i'll go back looking for another solution, but i hope this one will work.

dinner with my friend was nice and i also got my first icecream for this year.

my plans for monday and tuesday have changed because of the letter i have to go get and it bothers me. i know its not a big deal if i go to the grocery shop on tue instead than mon, but it does feel like a big deal to me. im annoyed with plan changes.

what i hope is that tomorrow at work will go as this afternoon and i hope T and alcohol will help for the Home anniversary. i hope the SH will be… ??? good??? but what i really hope is that seeing Home wont be too saddening or excruciating or that i wont feel anything at all. and that i'll feel as good as any other time i have seen it again since i left it, as for any other anniversary. i really hope i'll survive tomorrow with not feeling too bad, anxious or depressed.

now meds are kicking in and im going to bed. please, make tomorrow be an ok day at least! im scared...

I hope everything goes OK for your Home anniversary, Sinking. Do you think there will be many people there?

Thank you Mopey. no, there wont be anyone, its a proivate thing between me and Home.

so today has arrived and i feel unprepared. work went ok-ish. i was tired. P was nice with me.

i saw T and she thanked me for the letter and she said she didnt text me about it because she wanted to say things in person. she said she does get how i feel about her and that it was just my need for being REALLY sure she knows how i feel about her (thankful). im glad she gets more than i can verbally say.

then we talked a bit about P, a bit about my dream where i felt lost not knowing where i live or where i work at, and then we talked lot about Home's anniversary.

i told her how when i think about Home i can only see the last days i lived there. a tragedy, an agony. and i cant stand that feelings fade a bit away with time. it makes me feel guilty and i need to show home through the anniversary, through my blood how much i miss it and how much i love it and that i didnt want to leave. it was not my decision, it was stealed from me.

then i told her im going to get drunk because i cant bear it and that im very afraid of how it will go. i'll bring flowers, i'll shed my blood, to show Home how much i still love it. and i'll tell my mom about it because i want her to know i still suffer because of it and because of her (and i just did it in the phone call with her).

more than anything else i feel fear. fear that home will be different, that i wont feel much or that i'll be numb and i wont feel i'll finally be able to breathe when i see it because its what has always happened and i want it to happen again, but i cant force myself. as i cant force myself to cry. im afraid it wont make me feel better. im afraid i'll see people inside. i hate them,. im afraid i wont feel the connection. im afraid i wont feel much at all. im afraid my blood wont be a good thing. im afraid it wont make me feel any better. im afraid the ritual wont be the same. wont have the same meaning. wont give me the same feelings. im afraid im forgetting Home. im afraid im feeling less and less the pain . im afraid i wont feel the connection i used to feel. im SO afraid. now i have to go. i have to go say hi to my home. that i still hove it and that i miss it and i will never forget it and that i thank it for everything it has done for me. making me feel what Home means. something that i wont be able to feel ever again.

i love you Home. always and forver.

it went well. heres my text to my T (she asked me to text her) :

"it went VERY well. flowers, alochol, blood, Home. I could breathe. i have found Home again. it made me feel well. I cried like a baby. its Home. its mine. Why didnt i die with it? to not make my parents feel guilty, but i should have done it. at least now i know that only seeing it is enough for me to feel at Home. Thanks for today, you heped me."

i think i said it all. i miss you Home. i love you and always will. thanks for everything. i'll never forget you. i love you, Home.

Sinking, would it be upsetting if I asked you to elaborate? That is, what exactly is home?

Its not upsetting Mopey, rather: thank you for asking! Home is exactly what it sounds like. its the house where i have lived all my life until we moved away (still in the same town) 5 yrs ago. i know i talk about it as if it were a person, but it is for me. i believe some objects have a soul and my Home is the best example. i'll never have a Home again. not one with the capital H.
im so happy and relieved it went well yesterday. it really is such a relief. Home hasnt changed much, i didnt see lights or people, and i went there under my window with my car and it felt i was at Home and driving out of the property was SO familiar it made me feel excited and as if i had travelled in time for a few moments.

today went ok. i had the course. the first part was especially touching and interesting to me since they talked about autism. i have always felt im close to that spectrum even if i have never been diagnosed and i dont think i could ever get that diagnosis, but i still do feel i fit in that spectrum or that i have some of those tendencies (my exT said something like that once). the rest of the course was about mental disability in general and how it affects people who have it, their families and the whole system that tries to take care of them. it was still interesting but not like the previous time.

luckily we finished early and i could come at my parents' a few hours earlier than i thought and i could enjoy my tv series, my cat, and i cooked dinner with mom. we didnt talk about yesterday and im glad about it because i didnt feel like it. i only wanted her to know yesterday was "that" day.

i hope i'll be able to enjoy tomorrow better. more sleep, more tv series and more relax. i dont feel ready to restart next week, but we'll see tomorrow. maybe if i rest well and long enough i will be ready!

ps. the pharmacist's suggestion is working. i hope i'll keep improving! : )

Today went well. i got to sleep and rest as much as i wanted/needed, i watched all my tv series with my cat, went to the grocery store so that i wont have to go during the week, got my meds and tonight a nice dinner is awaiting for me.

only one detail is bothering me. i dreamed that i was at my Home and my cherry tree wasnt there anymore. in the dream i accepted it, but now i have a hard time to accept i didnt even look for it the other night when i was there… i guess i'll either go and look for it or i'll accept i wont know until next year (if i'll still be alive).

now im a bit worried about going back to work because i know it will be a heavy week, but i have all planned out and i only hope work wont be too difficult and i'll manage. at least i'll have wed afternoon free and i'll see T. i hope it'll help.