Week #2 (again)

I really dont know how to define today. it started out well. i got my special mondays breakfast, work went by without me acknowledging it for the whole morning, then i went to get the letter they had sent me (house stuff) and it was nothing bad. i bought my lunch which was nice and then i went back to work and it went the same way it went in the morning. then tonight…

i came back home and realized i had forgotten my grocery bag at work . then i noticed my neighbors have moved away. i was still trying to decide whether it was a good or a bad thing and then i found out i had problems with the water in my house because it wasnt coming out. i checked and re-checked and it wasnt coming out. i called my father and he helped me telling me what to do (the neighbors who moved away had closed my water system instead of theirs!). so that was fixed. while having dinner i called my mom and told her about all these bothering stuff that had happened. she helped me calming down a bit but im still destabilized.

i came here on PC and i was feeling so much like getting drunk but i binged on chocolate instead. ok, maybe i'll have peace here for a few days but how will it be with the new neighbors??? will they have a baby crying all night? will they have two bickering kids? will they have a teenage who will listen to loud music until late night? will i still be able to sleep? when i go to bed? during the night? in the morning???

i wasnt happy with my neighbors at the beginning but i had found a way to live with them and it was working. now im so afraid of what will happen with the new neighbors. i dont even know if there is anyone waiting to get inside or when will it happen. i know i should live it day by day, but thinking about what will happen and how will the new neighbros be like is eating at me and i cant not think about it. im so scared and i hate it so much when things are out of my control.

i had seen the neighbors bringing down pieces of a wardrobe on saturday, but i had thought they had bought a new one. instead tonight i saw they have taken away their door rug, their label on the door and the wooden heart that was hung on their door and there are no noises from their apt.

I HATE FORGETTING STUFF , I HATE CHANGES , I HATE THE UNKNOWN AND I HATE NOT FEELING AND NOT BEING IN CONTROL AND HAVING NO CONTROL OVER THINGS AT ALL .

(((((((( Sinking ))))))))

Sinking, when I lived in my first apartment all by myself (many years ago) I turned on my water faucet to find the same thing you did -- NOTHING! NO WATER! Turned out that as a new tenant I was supposed to have started a new account for myself with the water utility. Didn't realize how much water I used all the time till I suddenly didn't have it. Glad yours got turned back on. Dumb thing for your ex-neighbors to do.

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much, sinking! Please try to hang in there as much as you possibly CAN! I COMPLETELY understand your worries! I completely agree with what Mopey has already wisely said better than I ever could! Itt was simply a silly mistake from your neighbors! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you've been able to sort it out ALL by yourself though! Please try not to worry too much about your future neighbors! You've been able to get used to your old ones, there's NO REASON AT ALL you shouldn't be able to do the same thing with your new ones when they will come, right? Please try to HANG ON as much as you possibly CAN! You WILL figure it out! I'M SURE OF THAT! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! I'd suggest to just use this opportunity to relax and enjoy your time without having any other people around you! Just try to ENJOY IT and HAVE FUN as much as you can, ok? Most importantly, take GREAT care of yourself! I'm sure you'll get used to ALL OF THIS! Just be patient and take your time, ok, my friend? YOU'VE GOT THIS! WE ALL BELIEVE IN YOU and I hope you'll be able to BELIEVE IN YOURSELF as much as we ALL BELIEVE IN YOU! Sending many hugs to you, sinking, my altruistic, AWESOME, caring, cheerful, dear, generous, kind, sensible, strong, sweet and WONDERFUL FRIEND!!!!!

It's true you (and the rest of us) don't have control over many things, Sinking, but the one thing you do have control over is yourself.

By the way, how did you come to speak and write such fluent English?

Thank you Mickey and Mopey.

its true i can only control how *I* respond to things, and i know i'll find a way, but meanwhile i cant help but being worried and anxious about the new neighbors. how is it that as soon as i get used to something, (after a lot of effort), it always changes? i HATE changes. always have. anyway, today i just found out that the old neighbors were sent away because they couldnt pay for the flat and the house is going to be auctioned on may 28th. i'll have 20 days of peace and then what? im really worried about it…

today went ok. work for now is more like some kind of background in my mind. i dont know where my mind wanders all day! i think about food and about T and exT, but nothing specifically. of course i do my job, but its like im not really there. i got to talk a bit with P today but things are akward (im embarassed and afraid he gets i like him) when we are alone. i got to ask him about why he doesnt talk in dialect and he said he was just raised that way but still understands it, so it shouldnt be a problem if i keep talking in dialect. i binged on chocolate again today and tonight i felt so much like getting drunk but im trying to not let it become routine. i should keep it for emergencies only. but it feels so good… oh so good!!!

Mopey, thank you for saying my english is fluent. i know i still make a lot of mistakes, but i have nobody to correct me so i just keep learning by reading and trying to correct myself as much as i can. i wasnt very good at english at school, i actually thought it was a bit useless since i didnt think i would have used it in my life outside of classes… then i met an online friend from turkey and we had to talk (write - we used email mostly) in english so it became more useful at my eyes and i started learning it better. then i went to florida for 8 months for an intensive swimming training camp (i was a professional swimmer - or trying to become one) and lived in an american family and my spoken english and comprehension of spoken english improved. i also loved reading psychology books. once back in italy i started reading/writing in forums like PC and i guess my english kept improving. now i think i have lost a lot of my ability to speak and understand spoken english, but i hope i'll keep improving at least in my writing. i still have to look up so many words in the dictionary! anyway, i find it easier talking about myself in english. some words in italian are so (emotionally) hard to say... saying them in english makes it easier. thats why im here… i also know i dont respect all the rules (capital letters, apostrophes, etc) but it helps me feeling english more "mine".

anyway, thank you Mopey for your kind words, and thank you Mickey for your support too! and to anyone else reading me. i know that by these threads of mine i seem to be continuing talking alone… its just that i dont expect/hope that anyone could find interesting or useful what im sharing here. i feel im pretty boring actually. but i do need something like this, something like a journal… i guess im also trying to show myself im self sufficient and i just need to write things out and share in case anyone reads, but i dont need anything or anyone else. but actually i really appreciate it when anyone responds to my posts or just sends hugs. its hard to admit it, but its so nice to know someone is reading me.… thank you everyone

ps. i cant believe it just and already tuesday night. days go by so slowly and so fast at the same time...

One other thing to think about, Sinking, and that is that when your new neighbors do move in, you will have a slight advantage in that you have a bit of seniority. That is, you've been in your apartment longer. And in the meantime, I hope you'll take Mickey's excellent advice and try to enjoy the extra space that you will have while the other apartment is empty. And you can feel superior because you - YOU - pay your rent. Unlike the ones who have been kicked out.

There are various approaches people take with new neighbors. Some people overwhelm them with attention. Baskets of fruit, cakes. Me? I do nothing. That is because I am a loner. I am very happy to keep to myself, and let them keep to themselves. Depends what you want from your relationship with your neighbors. But I too hate it when somebody moves out and somebody else moves in, because for awhile, as you say, they are an unknown quantity.

Best....

Yes, of course i'll try to enjoy these 3 weeks at my best, but i guess its too late to start new routines (like watching tv at night) to only have them changed again when the new neighbors will come... i also kind of miss the old neighbors… knowing how the kid is doing, whether she is still crying or smiling with her mom... i got so used to hearing them that i do miss them now. and of course i'll find a way to manage the new neighbors, im just scared there wont be much i can do if they have a baby crying all night or a teenage listening to loud music until late night. when i first came in here i had thought about introducing myself to the neighbors but when i heard the mother was so hysterical and the other neighbors were little at home and not bothering me i let that idea go. im not sure what i'll do with the new neighbors. a basket of fruit or cake is not in our tradition, even though i do like it very much. we'll see when it happens!

today went ok. work is still playing in the back of my mind. T said its becoming more atuhomatic (ike driving) and i do feel this way its a lot easier. my supervisor even complimented on me for how i handled a phone call and i was all happy about it.

then with T, we talked a little about P (im afraid he gets im interested in him but i wont be able to give him and myself what "we" could want, so things are akward when we are together alone). we still exchange candies during the day but thats all.
we also talked a bit about saturday's course (she was interested because she has an upcoming meeting with the teacher for one of his patients) and it was bothering me that she "used" me to get more infos about him.
we DID talk a little about Home's anniversary, but i didnt want to tell why i had cried so much. maybe next time. but i did tell her how much im enjoying getting drunk and that i try to keep it for emergencies only, but i was planning on getting drunk today as soon as i got home (and thats what i did). i do not do it on work days, so it should be ok.
we also talked about the session with pdoc and as usual we made fun of it!
i told her how i get really upset when plans get changed and we did talk a lot about my fear and anxiety for the new neighbors. she tried to say it could change for the better but in my experience, changes are always for the worse.

after T, i came back home, got drunk, took a shower and cooked dinner… i must remind myself its only 2 days at work to go and then i'll have the whole weekend free. i live for the weekends! i hope the next days go as the previous ones. now i'll have to wash dishes and then i'll go to bed….

ps. i dont know what im trying to hide or repress by drinking, but i feel so utterly alone, no matter what or who i have by my side. i already miss T and i always miss exT. but im still and always alone. so alone.

[im still and always alone. so alone.]

So are we all, dear Sinking, so are we all. But sometime we can share a bit of our loneliness with others.

Thank you Mopey, i feel like crying so often during the day and i dont even know why… maybe loneliness, yes… maybe thats why i've started and im still bingeing on chocolate. i hate it but i cant help it.

Today went ok. work keeps going on as if it were a background in my day while instead its all i do, except for eating, sleeping and coming here on PC. things with P are stable and i like it this way. i dont think id want more than this. but today i just found out next week is his bday and i was thinking about what i could get him. just a small present but i dont know what???

tonight at home, i heard noises and chatting from the flat that is now empty. i stayed on the door looking from the spy-hole and i saw 3 girls coming out of that door. one was clearly showing the apt to the other 2. they were speaking in slovenian (its quite common here) quite loudly. i didnt like it but for as much as i could see they are about my age and i guess that if they were to come and live here i could talk with them if they were too loud and i couldnt sleep. i know its just all in my head but im really SO worried and SO anxious about these new upcoming neighbors…

i cant believe tomorrow is friday already. i hope work keeps going on like this and that i'll be able to enjoy the weekend. cant wait for tomorrow night, when im done with work and i'll meet up with my friend. but for now im already happy its night and a good night sleep is awaiting me...

sunday is mother's day here and i already bought her a small present. im glad i somehow always get to remember important days for the people i love.

(((((((((( sinking )))))))))

What do you like to drink, Sinking? I like sparkling wine, or if I can't get it, Chardonnay.

Mopey, i only drink Vodka. i've found a better way to drink and get drunk so now i feel like doing it everyday but i try to keep it for emergencies only and for the rest i binge on chocolate

today was SO hard getting out of bed. the first two hours at work went by sooo slowly and i was sooo sleepy. then i had breakfast and things started to move on fatser. now i just had lunch and im about to go back to work. i really hope it will pass smoothly and quickly. i like how things are going on with P, i dont think id want more. maybe hanging out every now and then, but not more than that. i guess??

i cant believe i got to almost the end of week 2. now i just cant wait for tonight. not much because im meeting up with my friend and not much because we'll have dinner out but because i cant wait to be at my parents, greet the cats, relax and sleep. and have the whole weekend with my tv series ahead.

i wish a nice weekend to everyone

Speaking of cats, I saw the sweetest video that other day. There was a young autistic boy who was having a meltdown. His emotions were just out of control and he was lying on the ground just pounding his fists on everything. The family had a rescue cat they called "Kitty" who saw the boy, came over to him, and started licking his face and his head, his hair. Just kept licking him, then the cat kind of snuggled up to him really close, to his shoulders, and slowly the boy began to calm down. After awhile he got quiet and put his arm around the cat. It was really touching. It seemed the parents couldn't do anything with the boy when he got upset like that, so the mother saw what was happening with the cat and videotaped it.

Back to the subject of booze: So you like vodka. I had a new experience a couple of months ago when I tried Prosecco for the first time. I'd always avoided it because I thought it would be sweet, but it wasn't. I liked it a lot.

((((HUGS))))

Mopey, i think pets and cats especially are balm for the souls. i often think i prefer animals to people. the video must have been wonderful. as for prosecco i know it comes from close to where i live but i really dont like anything alcoholic except for vodka. or maybe chocolate flavored grappa too. but wine and beer, i cant stand them!

today was a good day. i slept well, spent some time with mom, watched tv with my cat as usual and just relaxed. the family friends came at my parents but they managed to come and go and i didnt even hear them! tonight my parents are out for the last theatre appt of the season. im just going to watch more tv and sleep.

the tick bite is still there on my arm and seems to be getting worse again. i dont know what to do. instead the intimate problems are almost solved thank to that pharmacist's advice.

i think im going to get P some small chocolate box for his bday… going back to bed now… hopefully tomorrow will be another good resting day...

Hmm - sounds like your tick bite may be infected. If you don't have a regular doctor, do you have a walk-in clinic nearby where you could have it looked at?

Your idea for P's birthday present sounds really nice.

Wishing you a sound sleep....

I put some cream on the tick bite and now it looks a lot better. but still i should go and check it with a blood work to see i didnt catch Lyme's disease (thats what my doc told me when i first saw him).

today was ok. i slept, surprised mom with little presents for mom's day and stayed a bit with her and then watched my tv series as always, but not with my cat this time because the other one, the black one who's always around, decided to stay with him today so i let them be together!

i've been a bit anxious the whole day. too many things to do, remember to do, plan, etc.

then tonight i went to get my meds and i also went to the grocery shop and got less than i planned! i dont want to fill my home with food and then feel forced to eat to not waste it all. its hard because just by looking, i'd eat everything, id buy 3-4 times what i bought today but i know i must be more careful so i already wrote down the list for next time and it makes me feel better to have a plan.

at the shop i saw my ex friend. im 90%positive it was her. but i pretended not to see her because our friendship didnt end well 2,5 yrs ago. i was so embarrassed and would have not known what to say. our friendship ended because she abused of my trust and used what i had confided her to hurt me. i was so hurt that even though she tried to reconcile a few times i couldnt. how could i trust her again??? about 1 year after our break up i re-read her last texts where she attacked me and i felt so much anger that i realized we could never go back to being friends again. trust is sacrosanct. i knew she was the type of girl that could and would do that sooner or later (i saw the signs) but decided to ignore them until she would have hurt me. and then it happened and it still hurt even though a part of me was prepared for it. its quite sad. it was a nice friendship until that point.

today through internet i paid my T, tomorrow i'll have to pay another bill, and on tue my dad will come at my flat to help me with some problems with internet and the site where i go to pay bills. there also will be people coming to check something in my house (i have not clear what it is but glad dad can come with me) and then there will be P bday, my online friend's bday too and the blood work and cooking and working and all. i feel so overwhelmed just by thinking about this coming week. but i know step by step i'll make it and if i wont, i have vodka on my side!

i just took a shower, now im going to have dinner, then some more tv and then… sleep before week #3 starts