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Book May 13, 2019 at 12:56 PM
  #1
i cant believe its week 3 again. i cant wait for it to be over again. and it just started!!!

at work this morning went ok, even though i was very sleepy and not happy of being there at all. i super binged on chocolate and this afternoon was easy because our programs were not working so we basically had to take the calls and tell people we had issues with the program and to call again later. it was easier indeed but this way i got a lot more calls and it was quite stressing anyway. only 1 hour before the end of the shift the program started working again and it went ok. im happy when i get to finish working in time. but tomorrow will be hell!

at lunch i got to pay the bill through internet and tomorrow my dad will come to help me with something else.
tonight i really wanted to get drunk and i still want it but im trying to resist.

tomorrow i need to call the doc to get him write me the referral to do the blood work. i'll also have to wish happy bday to P and give him his small present (im worried and embarrassed about it!!!), wish happy bday to my online friend too and wish my friend good luck for a job interview. many things to do and remember to do. i have a list and it helps but im always worried i forget something.

on wed i need to go get the doc's referral, see T, go get gas for my car and then maybe my week will start to get easier. i didnt think it, but im realizing im being anxious and worried all the time when i need to do anything out of routine. my mind stresses me so much! maybe i'll drink a bit now. maybe i deserve it. maybe i need it. maybe i want it….

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Default May 13, 2019 at 03:00 PM
  #2
((((((((((( sinking )))))))))))

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Default May 14, 2019 at 01:41 PM
  #3
Thank you Fuzzy for your hugs and always being here.

Today went ok. work is still playing on the background of my day and its nice not to have so much pressure anymore!

my friend's job interview went well and we hope she'll get hired after 3 weeks of apprenticeship. im a bit jealous because her job will be better than mine, but mine has its advantages too so i must shut up. she deserves a good job finally!!! but now i wont have anything more than she has, things will twist around and i will be the loser in any possible comparison with her. i maybe shouldnt feel or even think these things, but it comes authomatic for me to make comparisons with anyone meaningful in my life (and not).

anyway, this morning i remembered to wish happy bday to my online friend but she hasnt answered yet, instead P was pleased to get my wishes and my little present. at the end of the day we finished our shifts together and i got the courage to ask him for his phone number and give him a ride to the city center. talking with him is nice and he is a nice person but i still feel ambivalent about this new friendship. not sure why… guess im afraid things will evolve and he'll get hurt and disappointed because i cant give men what they need. i already used his phone number to send him a text wishing him a nice party tonight with his family but he hasnt answered yet…. but no panic, i know he must be busy (or i try to convince myself of it)

during lunch break i went home, had lunch and my dad came here too. he helped me with something online, with my tv too and he waited for the operators to come and check something (not sure what). after 3 hours (while i was gone at work) my dad told me they found something wrong and they must come back tomorrow morning, so he'll be here tomorrow morning again. im so thankful he can take care of that for me. i just hope its nothing i'll have to pay for, but accordingly to my dad its not, so i hope he's right.

tonight at home i heard somebody else coming in the empty flat next to mine. im not sure what to think. it just bothers me that there are so many different people coming here to see the flat every night!

im still eating more than i intend to, but im doing better and also trying out some pills to help losing weight. im so NOT happy about my body . but im trying to eat better.

tomorrow after work i'll go get the doc's referral i asked for today on the phone, then see my T and then i'll go get gas. after that, the week should start getting easier, mentally and emotionally.

tonight my mom told me on the phone my bro got to have his job switched to full time. im a bit happy for him, a bit envious of him, and a bit jealous because my mom made a big deal out of it and because she suggested i contact him and congratulate with him. but i dont feel like doing it, so why should i? i'll see him next week. no hurry. i dont know why, (and i must be a monster because of it), but i do not feel like congratulating with him. he never congratulated with me about anything so why anytime its about him i should congratulate with him and he never did it with me?????????? he is a good guy and deserved the full time, but why when its about him its always a big deal and when its about me it never is?

now i'll take my meds, wash dishes and then i'll try and go to sleep. i've had enough for today. emotionally at least. i hope tomorrow will be easier. and no alcohol because i got chocolate and im saving up my vodka for tomorrow night when i'll be able to just relax…

ps. P just answered and he was kind and warm and i love the way he is and the way he smiles. he does and says everything with his heart. i can feel it and i love this about him.

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Default May 14, 2019 at 02:16 PM
  #4
It seems like you're keeping yourself busy, sinking! That's WONDERFUL! Just keep trying your best! I'm sure things will go smoothly tomorrow if you keep it up! Sending many hugs to you, sinking, my altruistic, AWESOME, generous, gentle, kind, sensible, sweet, kind, wise and WONDERFUL friend!
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Default May 14, 2019 at 05:01 PM
  #5
Hi Sinking,

That's such a sweet gesture to remember P's birthday with a gift. Sounds as if he truly appreciated it, too. Such a nice thought.

You've mentioned a couple of times that you didn't think you could give men "what they want". Now I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I'm certainly not going to press the point. I'll only say that even if all you can offer P is your friendship, that still is a priceless gift as long as there is honesty and caring between the 2 of you. I think you are right to take things slowly and let your relationship develop naturally. Soon you may well earn each other's trust.

Much and good luck with the family.
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Default May 15, 2019 at 11:20 AM
  #6
Im drunk now. its the best thing to cope with everything. and wednesdays are the best time to get drunk, so that i have more time to enjoy it.

today went ok at work (work is still in the background), except i was annoyed with P. not because of anything he said or did, but just because of me. because i didnt knok how to deal with the next step i took by asking him for his phone number yesterday. i couldnt look at him and we barely exchanged a few words. its so weird now. i hope tomorrow will be different. my T said its happening because of my BPD and CSA. we talked a bit about it. she said i should blame my abuse but i said i blame myself or p instead. im not feeling any anger or hate for my abuser, i have already dealt with that a long time ago. i also mentioned a few things but just to dely the real issue that was my feelings for P.

in chronological order: my dad told me the operators did their job at my flat and i'll have to pay for it . then i went at the doc to get his referral, and then got to find something to send to my friend for her bday. lastly i went to T.

since i had a list, we talked first about the easier things. like a new thing for me: to stop a stranger to warn him he got a fine when i noticed it and he had not seen it. i would have liked someone to do that for me if i were in his shoes so mustered up my courage and spoke to a stranger.

then i told T about how many things i have/had to face this week outside of routine and how tired i am because of it.

i told her how i really dont know how to answer to jokes. i made her a few examples and the best thing she got to say was to smile and thats all.

i told her how i feel like crying and getting drunk everyday and how i avoid it by binge eating on chocolate but she seemed to think chocolate is better than vodka. im not so sure of that….

i told her i saw my ex friend on saunday and that i HATE seeing acquaitances by chance because if i had wanted to keep in touch i would have, otherwise its just a reminder of what a loser i am. i always lose comparison with everyone, so i prefer not to meet anyone i know by chance.

i also told her about my friend's new job and how i envy her. how comes i envy everyone for everything? imo, things were balanced while she didnt have a job but she had a good relationship. now things will be unbalanced, she will have everithing and i still will have nothing. nothing at all.

i also mentioned my brother's switch to full time and how my mom reacted to it but it was just a vent, she didnt say anything about that.

i mentioned how full of thing to remmeber i had and still have this week and how it stresses me even though i makes lists but its still hard and i couldnt wait to go home and get drunk. i told her about my online friend and that i got to buy her something for her bday, but i'll have to wait until next week to send it to her.

then finally we talked about P, something that i was clearly avoiding and she got that. i told her how i got his phone number yesterday and how it went (gave him a ride), and why i like him… the way he smiles and talks…. but also that this morning i was feeling akward around him, almost annoyed at him and i could barely look at him and we barely spoke to eachother. she brought up CSA (and my abuser's bday is this week and she doesnt like it that we're still in touch even if only y emails) and we talked some more about it. she said its still affecting me deeply with every man i get to know. i said i have already dealt with that crap and that its not a problem anymore but i had to admit that the relationship with that abuse has and is still conditioning all my relationships with men.

i'll say it here Mopey, because its what we talked about mostly during the session… i feel im only a huge disappointment to men because i hate kissing, i could well do without sex and i dont want to sleep (SLEEP) with another person in the same room. who would want someone like me? with these limitations, faults and so strong boundaries??? i'll either end up hurting them or they will hurt me some way or another. friendship is ok, but i have my doubts friendship between man and woman could be just that, for both parts.

in the end i told her why i cried so much at the Home annversary which was because i would have wanted to kill myself that last night so that i would have died in my Home. but i morally couldnt do that for 2 reasons: 1. i didnt want my parents to feel guilty (because they decided to move away) and 2. because i didnt want my parents to hate my Home because its exactly the opposite: i still want them to love it even if they chose to change it. the only detail i didnt reveal abut the Home anniversary's ritual is the music i play on repeat. its like a serial killer sign. i want to keep it for myself.

all in all the session went well. i had many things to talk about, mostly to get them out and try to start fresh tomorrow morning even thiugh im not sleeping well lately.

after T i went to get gas, i got drunk and came here, i cooked for tomorrow, i borrowed the phone charger to a neighbor and now im going to get a nice shower. afterwards i'll have dinner and then hopefully i'll get to have a good night sleep. i cant wait for the week to be over. only 2 days at work… maybe i can do it… after all...

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Unhappy May 15, 2019 at 01:52 PM
  #7
The alcohol effect is almost over. im depressed. i feel like crying. i feel like quitting. my neighbors (?) are still here bothering me. what are they doing here until 9pm if they're not living here yet? im so bothered by them i feel like crying i want to kill them i hate them i hate life i want out. i do not want to wake up tomorrow.

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Default May 15, 2019 at 02:10 PM
  #8
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, sinking! Please hang in there. It WILL get better! You're handling everything so marvellously and wonderfully! Please NEVER give up! You're accomplishing PLENTY of WONDERFUL THINGS even though you may not realize that! Just try to relax right now, ok? Take a nap, perhaps read a book if you want to! Anything to distract your mind at least before you go to bed! Just take GREAT care of yourself, ok, sinking, my friend? We ALL care about you and we ALL love you here and you know that! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Just stay safe, ok, sinking, my friend? I'm sure tomorrow will be a GREAT day! Just keep trying your best like you're already WONDERFULLY doing, sinking! That's all we humans can do after all and it's ALWAYS more than enough! Sending many hugs to you, sinking, my AWESOME, caring, dear, kind, sweet, wise and WONDERFUL friend!
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Heart May 15, 2019 at 02:51 PM
  #9
Good morning (or evening!) dear Sinking. One of the challenges I have when posting with you or with Mickey is to figure out the time difference. I’m aware there is a 9 hour difference between where you are and where I am, but I think the software on the forum tweaks this difference so that it shows up on my iPhone as my local time. So for example at a time you tell me you’re getting drunk, it looks like the middle of the morning to me, and since you work I think that’s highly unlikely! For example, right now my iPhone tells me it’s 12:40 pm on Wednesday and I think it’s probably something like 9:40 pm where you are. Is that about right?

Well anyway, there was so much in your post that touched me and that I want to respond to, but I really need to get on my desktop computer to do that, as I am sitting up in bed with my iPhone right now (I’m not feeling well) and as you can imagine it is really tedious trying to pick out a long post one letter at a time with my stylus!

So - more later. In the meantime, rest well.
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Default May 16, 2019 at 06:59 AM
  #10
Thank you Mickey and Mopey for your constant support. it means very much to me.

Yes Mopey, it must be a bit confusing. 9 hours of difference is quite a lot. i know that when i come on the site and im not logged in it shows (probably) USA central or east time, while when i log in, it shows italian time (i chose it from the settings if i remember well).

anyway, i couldnt wait until tonight to write here because im too excited about one thing: my girl coworker could let me try smoking weed with her this saturday. its one of the items on my "bucket list". i know it may sound silly but i never found anyone to ask for it or when i did, it never led to anything. i wouldnt know where to go to ask for it so if my coworker is willing to let me try i'll very gladly welcome it. im a bit scared too. i dont know if my meds could interfere with it in any way, so id be glad if for the first time, i'll get to try it while not alone.

in the first place on the bucket list i still have "getting a broken bone". Others more "normal" are: travels in specific places. i have already travelled a lot but there are still some places id like to visit like Paris, Egypt, Australia, Russia, China, Japan and Aztech and other ancient culture places, plus getting to see the polar lights. also, id like to go visit my friends, one in Turkey and the other in USA (but that scares me more than a normal travel because people just plainly scare me). luckily i've already done the USA coast to coast and it was the most beautiful travel and experince ever!
as for having a bf, getting married and having kids, im not sure id really want that…. but all of this is plan B.... if i dont get to quit my way at my conditions... which is still and will always be plan A.

more later, and Mopey, im curious to read your thoughts about my last post if you still feel like writing about it...

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Default May 16, 2019 at 01:38 PM
  #11
So, luckily the rest of the day at work went ok. time went by so slowly and i was very tired and bored but as anything in the world, it passed. it did. as always lately, work still plays as a background in my mind. i dont really know where my mind wanders but working this way is so much easier. even though at some point i really would have wanted to get drunk or take pills. i was really really tempted.

with P it went ok. right now its like im torn between wanting to get to know him better (and afraid of disappointments on both sides) and wanting more distance between us, even if the "closeness" is only in my mind. maybe tomorrow we'll go out for lunch together. P, my girl colleague (E, who offered me the weed) and me. maybe. im not sure because i really like having 2 hours of lunch break alone. where i dont have to talk with anyone or listen to anyone. i dont know, i guess i'll decide tomorrow.

as for saturday and weed, im still a bit hesitant. i want it very much but it would change my routine. i'll have to see and talk with E and im not so sure i want that. i hope she'll still invite me tomorrow, and then i'll have to decide what to do. i wish i could talk about this with my T. i know its small stuff, but its big for me.

today the new neighbors (?) are less loud than yesterday even though i saw a kid coming at the flat with the other 3 persons. (another kid next to my bedroom??? !). i hope they'll continue being quiet and will leave like yesterday at 9.30pm or sooner. i was very tense yesterday night while i was in bed waiting for them to finally leave and stop talking so loudly. i was hoping for very quiet new neighbors but i doubt this will happen

… mmmh… im doing better with food and chocolate but only because i have run out of it and im too lazy (or willingly lazy) to go get my chocolate. im also doing better with the tick bite and the other issues.

tomorrow is my abuser's bday. i'll email him my wishes hoping to get an answer so that i know he's still alive and doing well enough to be able to answer to emails. i wouldnt want to see him in person (fear of seeing him older and of his judgement on my look/life/etc.), but im glad if we keep in touch every now and then. he always remembers my bday and sends me wishes. i hope he's ok and will answer me.

tomorrow is also my last day at work for the week. my friend will be taking an exam to end the course she attended to and then we'll meet at night. i cant wait for tomorrow night. finally free. even though i should look around and see if i can find anything to get to my parents for their wedding anniversary on sunday and for my brother's bday on wednesday (but i have more time for that). we'll see. now i just hope for a good night sleep.

thanks anyone for reading

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Default May 16, 2019 at 03:20 PM
  #12
Hi Sinking: Just a quick post to let you know that I am having trouble with the new forum software. It continually kicks me out and did not record a post I made this morning at all. So if you don't hear from me in awhile it's probably because I'm having technical problems. I'm going to try to communicate this on the technical forum....

Till then ((((HUGS))))
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Default May 17, 2019 at 07:01 AM
  #13
Thank you Mopey for letting me know, it was kind of you to not let me wonder if i did or say someting wrong that may have pushed you away. i had just written my answer but it got deleted . i hope you'll get to fix your problems with PC soon.

so yestreday night it was hard since the dog that lives 2 floors above mine started barking since i went to bed and until 12 am. it was stressing but i was also a bit concerned that he may be trying to ask for help for his human friend, but i couldnt move a muscle so i let that go. i dont know anyone in my condo anyway.

today at work was hard. i was tired, sleepy, bored and i could cope, so i went back to old habits and took a handful of pills that made me feel as if i were drunk but i werent, and it helped a bit.

My colleague E didnt show up so im a bit upset because we probably wont meet tomorrow to smoke weed. i hope sooner or later we'll make it. we should also have gone to lunch out together with P but since our lunch breaks werent at the same time, we gave that up. if im not wrong it seemed to me to see he was a bit disappointed about it. but i didnt care much because i do prefer coming home with nobody around. nobody to talk to or to listen to.

this morning i remembered to wish my abuser a happy bday and i hope he'll answer. i also remmebered to wish good luck to my friend for her exam and then tonight we're going to meet for dinner and meanwhile i hope to find a small gift for my parents' anniversary on sunday. but what i reall want and hope for is that working will pass quikly and smoothly and that tonight arrives soon.

back to Home anniversary and why i didnt kill ,myself that night, i must recognize that 1 event was worth living a bit longer. i had sex. its not something i enjoy much and i almost never feel like doing it but at least i didnt die not knowing what it was about. all the rest is insignificant even though getting a job and a home add value to my life, its not a reason to live and not a reason good enough for having lived through these years. or live further.

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Default May 17, 2019 at 12:36 PM
  #14
Hello again, Dear Sinking.

I read over your messages from Week #3 and they make me feel so much....

I hope I can get this reply typed and sent across before the System kicks me out again (!)

First off - about the weed. I think you're right to be concerned about whether or not it might react with any of your medications. Pharmacists tend to be the most knowledgeable about these things, if you can ask one, or you might search the Net as well. There's lots of medical info out there as you probably know.

My love, I'm concerned that you would want to have a broken bone. I've had one (some!) and believe me you do not want that. I'm also concerned about how much you want to hurt yourself, even kill yourself. Whatever it is that has happened to you, it was not your fault. It does NOT mean that you are a miserable, worthless, LOSER. It means that whomever abused you is a miserable, worthless, LOSER.

I think I like your therapist's approach. I agree with your therapist that it is probably not the most wonderful thing for you to keep in contact with your abuser. However, of course I understand that this is totally your life, your business. Still it concerns me.

As to relationships, that has been a slow and painful learning process for me as well. What I'd want to say to you is that good, healthy, enduring relationships have to be based on truth and trustworthiness, whether it is with P or with anyone else. They have to be based on honesty and two-way caring communication. This is even true of sex, as I've found out! All of it is learning, compromising, caring.

I'll sign off now because I have to go have lunch - just saying I hope your new neighbors don't turn out to be too bad. Neighbors --Jeez!!!!!

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Default May 18, 2019 at 01:34 PM
  #15
Thank you Mopey, i really appreciate what you have written here.

yesterday's dozen pills made me sleep until 3.30pm today and spent the rest of the day in bed watching tv series but i wasnt even that much interested in what i was watching at the moment. i only felt like going back to sleep but i had to appear normal for my parents.

my coworker E called me but my phone was tuned off and when i called her back it was too late, she was having guests. maybe we can try again tomorrow or next week. im just bothered that i must waste half day of my weekends while i could do it alone, but as i saif, for the first time i'd be glad to have someone with me.

as for honestly i dont think i can be honest with anyone except my Ts or here on PC.

cant wait to go back to bed...

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Default May 19, 2019 at 12:18 PM
  #16
today was the same as yesterday except i woke up earlier to wish my parents happy anniversary but then the rest of the day was spent in bed alone with my tv series. again i wasnt much interested in them. i just felt very sleepy. the two cats were together in their home and i was happy for them being in company and E called but didnt invite me over just used me to get P's number (which i didnt give it to her) and to let her know what time she starts working tomorrow (schedules are on the internet but somehow she couldnt have access ???). i felt like i had to justfy me for lying in bed all weekend and i didnt like it. if she wants to give me weed another day thats fine but it doesnt mean we are friends.

i only got up tonight to take a shower, go get my meds and since my parents fridge isnt working i'll have to go get grocery shop tomorrow during lunch time . i'll miss my fridge. he too has a soul. i took a couple of pics but it was all disassembled already!

i still feel like im a bit drunk. the small fridays' OD still has its grip on me. I DONT WANT TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW. im just barely realizing im alive, go figure if i want to go back to work tomorrow!!! Thankfully this week should be easier than the past one, or i hope. even though on sunday we'll go out to celebrate parents anniversary, brothers' bday and maybe go get my new kitchen table. i just want to SLEEEEEEEEP.

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