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Bompilsf
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Member Since: May 2019
Location: Netherlands
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3 yr Member
Arrow May 17, 2019 at 11:37 AM
  #1
My friend, 50, is clearly having a hard time.

To personalize the situation:

I met him, and he's a great guy. Have been friends for a long while, but I've seen him fall. Hes 20 years older then me so its hard sometimes thats why Im here.

Hes the guy thats nice when sober but apparently has so many insecurities or issues with his mind that the moment theres money, he wants beer.

His wife left him 10 years ago, he had gotten a lot of addictions. I dont know his whole path, but..

To sum him up in a few sentences

- great guy to me.
- when theres money, theres beer, and when theres beer, he becomes a huge troublemaker and he basically one big ball of negativity, talks insanely loud and is looking for fights.
- claims to want to stop but ends up in the same cycle of beer cocaine and oxazepam.
- every single word he says is negative. Either complaining about the country, children, money, people and how they are ALL bad, commercials, government, immigrants and every single thing that could possibly be complained about. The problem is when theres beer involved this contributes to extremely pissed of behavior to the world..
- his mind seems to work that way that in any situation its the other persons fault. That way he can be free of any guilt. Its never the beer or his way of thinking, or that he gets agressive from alcohol. Theres always a way to go around this. So most of the times when he speaks he is blaming the world for every little thing thats wrong in his life. It doesnt matter what person, everyone has contributes in his own way so thwt when the end of the day is there, he can say it was his fault and he did this and she did that. In fact its like that all day.
- seems to think every action of people exists of games, bad intensions, or is about money or attention. To the most obsessed way possible. You couldnt go anywhere with him without him getting annoyed by people. It looks more like huge social anxiety sometimes. He tries to cover with beer but thats the point negativity turns to agression

This can be annoying as he is pretty respectful to me seeing i spent a lot of time with him, but he has moods to me aswell when his crazy way of thinking and his distrust turn to me, probably cant blame him, pretty dope it rarely happens anyway but it can be very annoying.

Steps ive taken:
- trying to get him off beer. He will try and fall back, blame me for it because i kept saying it. And go at it again.
- never answerring to his negative thinking and changing the object to something good without letting him feel i dont take him serious. He never learnt from it though. He seems to try more for me then him. Two days with other people and hes hardcore pessimistic.
- learning him to relax. Goes well. But as soon as we leave the door. Its all gone.
- trying to get fitness to be his new outlet. He does it for a few days. Until he has money for beer.
- when hes with me hes very happy inside. But somehow he starts feeling uncomfy after a while and goes back to his old ways.
- i tried to get him ti go therapy but #1. Its not his fault but the peoples. And #2. Therapists are manipulative pathologic people that only care about money.

U see he has wired himself in completely next to impossible to help

Thats why I know he ISNT showing his true colors outside because once the stress leaves him (hes pretty much always with me except weekend were really close) he is getting great. But once he leaves the couch to go outside, or has to make phone calls regarding money, or cleaning of the house, its like life comes crushing in his face and he turns around, from the great guy, into a crazy guy that borders psychosis, too proud to see any fault in himself. I dont know how to help no more.

I have times i feel like my god men get out of my life. But this person is in pain. The problem is, his pride (or self defence), probably the last leg he could stand on to survive, is he never sees blame in himself. That combined with the fact he could have been my father, and his pride take over time and time again to return to his old ways and restart blaming the world. But he is really out of control, always waiting for a beer, very negative, very capable of agression, rarely enjoys anythingi figure im thr only person he feels okay with cus im very laidback and won his trust so i can get him to relax with me. But when he GOES OUTSIDE. ESPECIALLY with a beer, he turns borderline psychosis or something. Theres no way to get into that brain without his pride getting in the way though. And he probably feels too fragile letting his pride go and rewiring. Also people are, just take a beer dont act like a baby! It goes well for a few days, after which it starts all over with the drinking.

It can start to be hard sometimes but luckily im pretty strong mentally.

Hope anyone recognizes this or has tips.

Thanks!
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Thanks for this!
Skeezyks

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Smile May 18, 2019 at 06:03 PM
  #2
Hello Bompilsf: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry I don't think there is anything I can suggest to you with regard to all of this. We here on PC cannot offer mental health diagnoses. Plus I'm not a mental health professional. The one thing I know is that you can only change yourself. So until the man you've written about here decides he needs help, & seeks it, nothing is going to change. Consequently what is left here, in my opinion, is for you to decide how much you care about this man & how much more of this you are willing to put up with.

Here are links to 5 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that touch upon the subject:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Stop Trying to Change People Who Don't Want to Change | Happily Imperfect

11 Ways to Help a Loved One in Denial

How to Help a High-Functioning Alcoholic in Denial

How to Persuade Your Loved One to Seek Professional Help

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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